Its A New Day

Revision?

2011-05-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

As a sixteen year old and GCSE student, I think that i am entirely entitled to ask the following question: what the hell is up with all of these god damn exams and why the hell do i have to revise for them? I mean, yes better life chances and blah blah blah, but really, does anyone care that the prehistoric man thought that headaches meant that evil spirits were tapped inside your brain? And revision! Why do we have to do exams, like teenagers don't already have enough to worry about!

Okay, maybe that isn't quite fair to say, yes, i probably do need to revise if i really want decent grades, which i do, because lets face it... can you imagine what mother would say if I got anything less that what is expected of me? Can you imagine? Well you don't want to. So here I am, tweeting, blogging and watching Lord of the Rings. Again. Instead of do the well loved revision for my exam on Tuesday. I know its terrible and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am tired. Yes, tired, my only excuse and it just so happens to be pitiful and worthless, so lets face it, I have no excuse at all.

On a lighter note, my English Lit exam should be something I'm looking forward to... I'm not, but I'm supposed to be! Brilliant. Damn man, I am one pessimistic person. Weekends don't seem to be long enough, I just feel drained all the time. How is it that in TV programs, the teenagers have time for all that romance and fighting and partying and all that other bullshit and still have time to revise and do their exams? Do they take uppers to keep them going? How do they find the time? Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic, and i emphasize the word "little" but I am so damn tired. Have you ever had that feeling when all you want to do is just waste a whole day by drinking hot tea, eating chocolate, watching a film and dosing in and out of sleep? Well that's what I want to do, but every time I go to shut my eyes all I see are revision guides!

Why is it that I have to learn all this stuff anyway? You don't see elves going to school for twelve years of their life, and they seem to get by alright. What? Are they born knowing the capital of Peru?

On a real lighter note though, my mother is back from London, baring gifts, doughnuts to be precise. Well, Krispy Kremes if you want to be super accurate. Which, might i add to those that have never tried them, are the nicest doughnuts in the world. All righty then, I will stop my pathetic and quite honestly boring yammering on about my boring life and my boring revision, i should probably, eat my doughnut and just get on with it. And watch Lord of the rings, this half is almost over though, which is a bit of a downer, I will, however, see what is on tv or go to sleep, or maybe i will even read a revision guide! What fun!

I don't suppose that I will be blogging for a while, maybe in the half term if anything super interesting happens. Or anything remotely interesting, because lets face what is super interesting?

Right, i am going to read the hobbit tonight, because I can! Woo hoo!

Let me have a moan.

2011-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so i do intend to start blogging properly again soon, especially because I was talking to my friends dad and he was talking about me becoming a feature writer. I am still interested in being a fiction writer and an editor, its just another possibility. Which is fine, at least I know what business I want to be in, I don't have to decide now. I'm only sixteen at the end of the day, and you know what, why should i have to?

I don't want to totally bore you with a massive moan but I feel that it is time, also, before I can write well i need to vent. It's what I do best. Speaking of venting I did exactly that to my drama teacher a couple of weeks ago, almost started to cry. I didn't mean to but i was stood there, expecting just to have a chat while i waited until i had to go and pick up the brother, and then I felt really sick, I just wanted to sit down, and my eyes started watering. He asked me if I was okay, knew that I wasn't and asked me what was on my mind. That was all it took for my chin to wobble. Ever had that feeling, when you just have to sit in silence for a minute, otherwise you wont be able to hold it in anymore. Well, that was what happened, i ended up pretty much running away, I felt terrible for doing it, but it didn't make me feel any less of an idiot for crying (almost) over revision and exams.

So, I have done two of my seven exams this summer, it makes me feel better to think that i have already done my maths and passed it. I know its only a C and a C is all I need and lets face it, I don't need to know what Pythagoras theorem is. Do i? Nope. Do I did my English paper one yesterday, my ethics paper today and then my English paper two tomorrow, kind of gay that its in the afternoon and is 2 hours long which means that i wont get out of school on time. Gutting really. Oh well, not much I can do about that. I'm not particularly confident on what I have already done either and I'm not at all confident about tomorrow either. Its non-fiction and knowing me I will read the articles really slow and not finish it... again. For me, and yes i am very aware how sad this is, but its quite heart breaking when I don't finish stuff and both of my exams that I've done so far haven't been finished I mean, I knew I would be pushed for time but I always thought that some miracle would occur and it would just happen. I have not yet been so lucky. And you know what my hand doesn't half bloody ache afterwards!

So, wish me luck for tomorrow anyway, lets hope it goes okay at least. These exams cant be good for my blood pressure... After tomorrow I have one English Lit exam and after that, and then its half term. After half term I have History Written Paper, Graphics and then its my History Source Paper.

Trying not to get stressed though... Not working particularly well is it.

Ten Flaws

2011-04-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

My Flaws:
1) I am pessimistic,
I'm a can't(er) a don't(er) and even a wont(er). I don't look on the bright side of situations, I try but, most of the time, I cant be trusted to say something that will lighten the mood so to speak.

2) I am Over Weight,
I don't care what anyone else says. Yes, I have tried to do something about it but I go to school for 6 hours a day, it takes me over 30 minutes to get to or from school. I'm not going to make excuses, I know that if I'm unhappy then I should do something about it but its hard, the eating healthily part really doesn't bother me, it the doing exercise, I try but like I said, It's hard.

3) I am Not Good Looking,
Or, like some stupid drunk prick said today I'm a "munter." I try not to let it bother me, at the end of the day I can't exactly do anything about it, but like everything else, if someone comments on your appearance and you aren't exactly in the best of moods, it's just hurtful. Isn't it?

4) I have low self esteem,
I'm sure you are all more than aware of this, but I put myself down... A lot. There really isn't much more to go into, its just the way I am.

5) I'm selfish and hypocritical,
I think about myself too much and I do and say things I know I shouldn't, like eat cake...

6) I spend too much money,
On clothes, food and everything else I don't need... Just want.

7) I tell myself I'm not good enough for anyone,
And I believe it. I feel fat and ugly all the time, I hate myself for it but it's the way I feel. I want to be made to feel... special. I want to be fussed and cuddled and kissed. I want to be loved. But how can I surely, I have to learn to love even just a little part of myself before I expect to find someone to do the same, or more.

8) I'm Stubborn,
It's often that I will say something and someone else won't agree, whats worse I don't want to back down, I only do because I can't be bothered to argue.

9) I want to know things,
Sometimes that requires nosiness but I don't mean to be its because I care. I want to be able to impress people by knowing important things. I want to be clever.

10) I am unsocial,
I don't know what to say to most people. My friends tell me to talk about what ever comes into my head... But I can't, I go blank, like in an exam or something. I just don't have anything to talk about, and anything that does come into my head would sound totally weired or I don't actually want to talk about to other people. like to think, to have my thoughts to myself. And that is that.

I believe, I trust, I care.
But you don't know because you refuse to listen. I care about you, that isn't the problem, the fact however that you don't realize, that you just don't talk to me. I don't even know what to do anymore. Why can't you just understand? Do i literally have to spell it out to you?! I love you and your acting like you don't care!

I care about you too. Bet you didn't know that, and I bet you don't even notice me. Its so hard trying to connect to you, your sweet and funny and your eyes are beautiful blue. Damn you and your eyes. I guess its getting better, my self control. I haven't dreamed about you for a while now. Not going to see you for another two weeks either. Damn.

Time is doing nothing but moving forward.

2011-03-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

Time seems to be flying on a jet, and yet it feels like so long ago that it was my birthday. How can the weeks be passing so quickly and yet the beginning of the month seems like it was so far away. Everyone always said that time would fly after christmas and that my exams would be looming over me before I know it. Well its before I know it and i know that I need to start revising, I know that its stupid but, starting revision would be admitting that my whole entire way of life is coming to an end. And that I don't like at all. Its horrible to think that everything you know, everything your comfortable with will be gone. Just like that. In one day. Call me a drama queen and maybe you'd be right. I already miss what I'm already loosing, comfort.

You know when you meet someone and you instantly want to get to know them better? The beauty with blue eyes. Well I kind of feel like that at the moment. Mixed feelings and yet butterflies and red cheeks, that's how i feel. I thought it was only a crush but now I'm not so sure... I never really want to say anything because I'm scared it will go away. I can barely find the courage to go and talk to him. I feel like an idiot and I know that I should just enjoy the laughs and the smiles. But how do you know if someone likes you back? I guess you don't, but why did it have to be now? It almost seems too late. He isn't going to my college either and it's very unlikely that i would seem him around much either, it makes me sad that i will miss out on that too. I want a hug now.

Time is just rushing away with itself, but there is no way to stop it or the feelings it takes or leaves. I want life to just slow down, let me savour it. Let me breathe. Let me chill. Let me have enough time to blog at night, to read, to write, to find myself. Why does time have to fly when i just want it to wander. There isn't enough seconds in an hour. Let me spend more time with you. Help me find the time to stay in a moment. Let me have the time to think and dream. And for Christ sake give me the time to complete my bloody coursework.

And every single thought leads me back to you. I know what I want to dream about, the question is will I? And when? What will happen in the future? Will I like it? I guess all i can do is wait and see, and hope and pray that life will be good.

moody monday treats

2011-03-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, its monday again and though i had a pretty good weekend i think, as i am supposed to be writing a CV i am going to blog to you lovely lot instead. No, for a change i wont have a whine or a moan first, i'm going to fill you up with jealousy for the beautiful things i can find! So, here we go!

Lovely Number One:

My Birthday Cake! My friend from play schools mum made me this! She is amazing, I cant thank her enough, it is so beautiful. I swear i could never have any other cake in my life. She is going to have to make me one every year forever!

Number Two:

The cream ones are better but i had TWO whole packets of these last week!

Number Three:

This picture. "made with love" for my birthday.

Number Four:

My love is on my wall and until i find someone to give it too that is where my love shall stay.

Look its deco pelage and everything!

Lovely Number Five:

These Aran knitted jumpers, i love the first one the most because i don't have it! I'm gong to have to look for some more! They are all I want to wear!

Dreamy Number Six:

Now that i have my love i want to experiment with other thing like it. I really like this one with the lights around it. These are the kind of things i would keep forever.

And that is all, i will make sure that i update you with my boring life sooner or later but, as always I'm a little behind with coursework and shouldn't be blogging at all. And on that note, i will love you and leave you. Sleep well... dream sweet dreams.

HUGH JACKMAN!!

2011-03-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Um is it just me or is Mr. Jackman the sexiest man in the world? I swear he is so gorgeous. He gives me goose bumps. Sigh!

Short and sweet.

2011-03-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'll make this short and sweet,

i just cant understand,

why all the other people get to hold your hand.

I want to feel loved by you

to keep away the pain

wait and watch for you out the window pane.

Wow, i'm shit at rhyming,

i really really am,

i think i will give up now,

its not really going well.

I'm supposed to be having a 16th birthday party on Saturday, we were supposed to have a load of party games and stuff, but now i'm not so sure. I was only just told that the person i'm sharing with doesn't think it is such a good idea... through my friend. Am i really that scary that he say anything to me? Why does everything have to go through someone else, I think that is what is most... hurtful i suppose, that he didn't have the ... cant think of the right word, i don't know decency maybe just to say it to my face. Yeah he's a lovely guy, but what am i going to do? Eat him? I mean Jesus! How hard is it to just say "Georgie, i'm a little worried people wont do it?" I feel like such an idiot. Thats the only way to put it, i feel like an idiot and it makes me wonder if other people think i am as well. And that hurts too. Maybe i need a good cry. I feel like i do, but i don't want to, there is no point, what will it achieve. So i'm trying to think of something else we can do, but, we have mentioned the cinema but one of my best friends doesn't have any money and i'm supposed to be saving.What am i going to do leave her behind? So i have suggested renting a film. But does anyone reply? No. This whole situation makes me feel like a terrible friend, to him and to everyone else. Its a horrible feeling.

Plus to top it all off i'm going through a phase again. FML! I don't even want this party anymore. I want to just sleep, i cant take it this tension, this stress, and i know its stupid but i cant stop the feelings. I want someone to hold my hand, and kiss me in the rain and comfort me when I'm stressing. I DON'T EVEN WANT A BOYFRIEND. I know that i couldn't deal with one. Not with all this exam pressure and ect. I think i need to calm down now. I'm going to turn off my lap top and read for about 20 minutes and sleep. This is stupid, getting all worked up over a party, i will have to see what happens i guess.

Well, night. xx

High school.

2011-02-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

They say that your school years are the best years of your life. But, i dont think they truly remember the emotion of it all, the stress, the fall outs, the revision, the exam pressure, the friend issues, the lack of confidence in everything you start, the pressure of everything, we need jobs, we need money, we need revision guides and books and things to help us relax. But, i'm a teenager, i have few responsibilities, more than some, less than others, i need a job. But do i really have the time? I can barely cope with the amount of coursework i get let alone a sport or a job at the same time. There is so much stress and you feel that you cant share how you feel because you know that everyone is feeling equally as stressed out as you are and you don't want to lay your worries on them. They already have enough to worry about.

I'm sat here and it is twenty to seven. I had meant to have a whole day doing coursework and ended up getting next to nothing done. My nerves are frayed. I'm supposed to be on my holiday, not doing an English exam, or writing a whole drama log. I'm stressed out and I messed up everyones dinner. I can't cook for shit. oh well, I'm not going to eat it, i have been stuffing my face with kit-kat's all day. And no, I'm not proud of it. So, now i am chewing on my baby blanket and watching the Lion King because i'm too pissed off to do anything else. I tried, honestly i have but i cant do it anymore, maybe i need to get out. Well, I'm going up town tomorrow so i should hopefully feel better. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know, i knew i needed a break but i haven't done anything for the past four days. So, i don't know whats going on.

Maybe its because i will be sixteen on monday and that people begin expecting certain things from you or that you do certain things at that age but, i still haven't been kissed. I know that it everything will be exactly the same but I just want to be a kid again, life was so much easier when your parents did everything for you, dont get me wrong, i do like the independence and the fact that it should be easier for me to get a job, but its what other people think. It's always what other people will think. Maybe that is why i always think so much of myself, because others expect so much. Your teachers expect you to get high grades, your parents expect you to be a good person and your friends expect you to be there for them. Of course i would do all of that anyway, and i enjoy doing my best in school and be there for my friends. Its me.

Excuse me while i sing a long to Hakuna Mattata...

So, i guess i will have to keep chugging along. Hakuna Mattata.And doing what i do best... not that i have figured that out yet. Anyway i need to think of thing to sell on eBay to fund my new obsession... eBaying.

I'm going to get back to writing my new story. I will say no more however as i still have a long way to go!

So peace out,
Georgie.

Quote of the Day.

2011-02-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

Friendship is...

about friends, real friends, that are one in a million.

They feel so familiar, when you go to meet them

for the first time,

and so loyal that you'd trust them

with your greatest

secrets, fears and hopes.

moody monday treats!

2011-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

As it is monday and i was having one of those days where i just couldn't stop daydreaming, stop thinking, i couldn't tell you what about because either i cant remember or i simply wasn't thinking at all, anyhow i was thinking i would do something new, hey i might even make it a feature, not a fixed one because i don't seem to be able to keep those up, i have a brain like a colander (bigger holes), believe it or not. i guess i have been thinking all too much recently at the moment too, i guess because people keep bringing it up or i'm going through another phase boyfriends are, or seem to be, popping up. A lot. Not that i mind, because i know for a clear fact i don't want a boyfriend, i cant even handle my school work and a minor social life, let alone a guy as well. Well, if someone came along that i really liked and whatever, of course i wouldn't hesitate to ... whatever, but im not going to look for something im not looking for, what would be the point.

ANYWAY!! Getting back to the point, here are a couple of things i am really into at the moment!

Lets start with something i know i have shown you before, but bugger it. I still love these jeans, if i could get away with them... and had the money i would buy a pair like THAT.

And yes, i am so sad i just clicked my fingers!!

Old books. I think that for a while now i have been a little obbsessed with books, and as a teenager, its not something i shout about, yeah my friends know i read a lot, i guess it relaxes me to escape into a world that simply doesn't exist. But, old books are a wonder to me. Plus they smell great. I have proof, from my work experience, but that is a whole new kettle of fish.

Alice. There was a program on a couple of well days ago i suppose, but it was a new and modern take of the Alice in Wonderland story. And maybe it was because it had Andrew-Lee Potts in it, i dont know, but i really quite enjoyed it, so im going to see if i can get hold of a copy to watch it again!

Her eyes! I have a thing about eyeliner, but mine comes off so easily there never seems to be any point in me even putting any on. I just think that dark makeup on light eyes is kinda pretty.

Red Lips. Call it weird, i dont mind, but i love read lipstick. I really want to wear it for my prom but i dont think i will be able to. Well, we'll see. I would wear it all the time, but... well i cant be bothered to think up an excuse for this one.

Anyway i am going to bed, before i get distracted by something else pretty. Night!

upsetting thoughts.

2011-01-31T14:12:00.000-08:00

Never been kissed, never been loved.

Uh-oh, i know i shouldn't but i just had a really upsetting thought. What if no one ever loves me? What if i never get kissed? You know i have said before that i get moments where i just feel totally and utterly hopeless and stupidly down. Even though there is no reason to feel so, i just do. I haven't had it this bad in a while but, it hurts this time, deep down, i guess you could say its a fear. Don't think me stupid, or do, i know its irrational and there are a lot worse things to fear. It probably doesn't help that i have a slight obsession with romance.But it hurts a lot more than it usually does, maybe its because i'm thinking too much, maybe its because its my birthday soon, i don't know but, all of a sudden i feel so very alone. I know that i am not, i know i'm not the only single girl nor am i the only one who has never been kissed, but it doesn't stop the worry from forming in my mind. And once it comes it doesn't go away. I'm frightened of never feeling the most powerful emotion in the world. And I'm afraid that i will get too desperate to feel it and make myself feel something that i don't mean. I want this feeling to go away, but it doesn't seem to want to. And i don't know how to rid myself of it. I want to be held.

So for those of you that feel alone in the most crowded places, you are not alone, there are people around you who love you dearly.

Am i an idiot? Probably. Should i shut up now? Yes.

Boys. Sigh.

2011-01-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, i got bored, so here for you is a list of my favorite boys/men, yes they are all amazingly older than me, i dont "fancy" them i just think they are extremely good looking! And most are married, but here we go. Seen's i don't have my own, why cant i look at others?

Okay, here is Mr. Darcy, or most commonly
known as Mathew Macfayden.

Garret Hedlund, was in my mind and then faded,
but he came back with a bang.

Mr. Eric Bana, i think it was the time travelers wife that got me started.
But, he is extremely good looking.

Oh Johnny. What can i say?

Well well look who it is. Andrew Lee Potts. Sigh.

How did i not see him before.

I know very well that its sad. but i dont really care! I'm single and you know, i'm kind of proud of it. And this, is my taste.

Georgie xx

Mr Darcy.

2011-01-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

Every girl in intitaled to a love story. A fantasy. We all wish for one, dont we? And to have a love story we have to find a love. Love? Is there such a thing? We've been told that many times that eventually we will be able to find the loves of our lives. But how? And when? When do we know that we have found the one? Is it a feeling or does someone tell you? And, one of my personal greatest fears, what if, you never find him? Or, what if you miss him and let that pass you by. How many chances do we get with true love? I don't want to settle for something just because i cant get better. Is it selfish to want the real deal? What if, i want what i don't deserve. Does that mean, that i don't get to fall in - stupid, needy, irrational, cant live without the other -love? Is that fair. Or do we get exactly who we deserve... I don't mean to sound ungrateful and selfish, but the fact is, i am. And I want a Mr. Darcy. I want someone who will ask me to dance just so they can look at me close up. I want someone to love me against their better judgement, but love me all the same. I want someone to write me a love letter. I want someone to love me. I know that everyone says that but, in high school, when all you see around you is couples getting off and people talking about sex all the time, it kinda makes you wonder. And yes, i still have days when i do feel quite sorry for myself. No, i don't want to have sex. No i don't want public snogging sessions. I want something else.

As you may have realized, recently i have started reading pride and prejudice, and it has gotten me thinking again, i was surprised actually that i have gone so long without having a massively long rant about it. And i don't really want to now. Even though i kind of just have. I went prom dress shopping with a couple of my friends today, who both tried on dresses they looked beautiful in. And it got me thinking, prom. Its the end of an era. And stood there, looking at two beautiful girls, in big beautiful dresses, well... i welled up, i stared to think about college and how we and my other friends wouldn't see each other so much all the time, different timetables, different buildings. It just makes me sad to think that my whole way of life is ending, and things are going to change. This is the beginning of the end, and its a sad feeling, that i think is going to linger. Its like an emptiness. Wow, I'm not old enough for prom, or college, I'm not old enough to risk loosing the people around me because i wait for them, I'm not ready to loose them because I'm too shy to arrange something. I'm not old enough to be worrying about the fact that i have never done anything in my life. And i don't actually care, i still have my whole life to do something about it. I'm not stupid enough to do something that i will regret later on, I'm not desperate. And I'm fussy. So there. Lets get back to the beautiful Mr. Darcy - well he's beautiful in my head - and love.

Elizabeth is a little silly when she rejects Darcy isn't she? It isn't just me who thinks so... is it? Only to accept him in the end anyway. He loved her. L.O.V.E.D her, thats special. And she grows to love him in a matter of weeks?! Silly girl. But what is it that makes us attracted to someone? Their looks, personality, charm? Is it all three? Or is there no such thing as attraction? Do we fall for someone despite what they look, act and dance like? Is it all looks and personality? Do you have to be "banging" or pretty or beautiful to have someone fall for you? Can you rely on personality anymore? Or has the media ruined it for everyone? We only hate our bodies because we have been told what we have to look like, but why do we have to look like what we're told to look like? We're perfectly happy to rebel against everything else people tell us, so why haven't we rebelled against this ideal body too? I suppose it will just be one other thing that us girls need to deal with, i guess its a good thing we are muti-taskers.

Here, is my Mr. Darcy. Damn his dark flicky (sexy) hair and baby blues... sigh.

Well, as you can see, i set my ideals way to high for the way i look, but hey I'm still little. I'm allowed to dream! And, you know, no one is going to stop me.

Quote of the Day

2011-01-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

Regardless of my having to want to change my lovely blog theme - thing, nothing, as per usual has been done towards changing it. I thought about it and thought about it, then realized that i had more important things to think about, like my english essay, or my maths exam, for example. And as much as i adore my blog, i did need to get my priorities straight. That, is very hard to say. But unfortunately, as much as it pains me to say, school... is... more... important... sort of, i guess that these results sort of determine what my life is going to like, so i might as well try hard. Not that i could resist the urge anyway, i'm too much of a goody-two-shoes to do any different. I wonder sometimes though, why exactly people can just laze around and not do any work and simply distract everyone else? What do they get a kick out of being shouted at? How can they just put what they're learning at risk? I mean, maybe its just me and my "lust for knowledge". Sure, i dont full on concentrate the whole time, thats just hard but why bother to get yourself kicked out of the class and learn sweet F.A?

Anyway, i had my first exam of year 11 on tuesday, maths, two hour long paper. I finished in an hour, and just sat there, shivering with back ache. I have another one in the morning and have decided not to revise because i dont want to stress myself out, she says picking up maths book. Busted, i'm distracting myself. I cant help it! I'm worried, i already know that i got two of the questions wrong on the last paper, so i have decided, that i'm not just going to sit there bored in the morning, im going to check and double check and triple check if i have time, because i really want my C. Which is as high as i can get. I have the chance to do the B grade work to see if i can get one in the summer but, do i want the pressure? Not really, and i will get pressured, because i am incapable of chilling with an exam looming before me, and im happy with a C. I'm more interested in my English grades. Those are the ones I'm interested in. Plus, if i have those lessons to do coursework or revision, that will take some of the pressure off from at home! That way, i can chill and be more pleasant towards the family. Maybe...

Anyway, getting to the point, here is my quote of the day, seems i'm struggling with motivation and feel as though i never succeed ....

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill

Is there a key to success? Or have we all been fooled? I get the feeling that even though we have all been told that all we need to finds the key to success and that once we do all the doors will open for us. But, is there really a key? Surely, if success is supposed to be as satisfying as they say it is, aren't we the keys? Dont we make our own choices? Our own decisions when it comes to our lives? Who says that we phsically need to find the key to success. Don't we just need to find that key two unlock that part of ourselves that will find the thing you can be successful at or in. You are the key to your success!!

2011-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, i'm sorry that i haven't posted in a while, i'm trying to renovate my blog page but i cant decide what exactly i want it to look like... but when i do i will get back to posting! Plus, i'm not quite sure what to write about, i know i should probably get back to my features again but i want to get my maths exam out the way, its next week! AHH! Also i have had a bit of a sad night or i would do a longer on now. But we have had to put one of my cats down today. She has always been in my life, and i know that shes gone so, why haven't i cried? I'm sad, but i think i can understand that she's in a much better place, and died having nice memories, before we had to start doing the extreme, shutting her out at night and stuff. Its hard because we put out a litter tray, but she wouldn't use it. Why couldn't she just use it? She would still be here if she was...

I love you Bubbles. I miss you.

Rain

2010-12-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

Rain, pittering on my window, on my skin, strolling down my nose and dropping onto my lips. Rain drenching my hair, splashing my jumper and down my spine making me shiver. Sat in the warm, laptop werring and my big headphones plonked on your head listening to some good music. Teddy, sleepy eyes, clean room, pasta, muffins. And yet, the rain is falling. And I like it, the sound soothes me after a long day of shopping and tiding.Sat with a bowl of pasta and a bottle of water. No it isn't a cup of tea and chocolate, but it was what i fancied. When it rains I sigh, huff, curse it, jump into bed and try to pretend that i don't have to go to school. So why, when i don't have to go anywhere and its dark outside do i enjoy it, what makes sunshine so much better than rain? Rain is cold, the sun is hot. Who decided that we are supposed love the sun so much more? What was it exactly that ran did to deserve the hatred. If it didn't rain, we would have no water. And if we had no fresh water we would die. It's strange that a thing that could so easily ruin your day or symbolize sadness, tears also bring relaxation and calm. Thats what is on most of the calming c.d's you can get isn't it? Rain. Why don't we "sing in the rain"?

Is it like that with everything? We love it, but only in certain conditions... I love rain but only if i don't have to go out in it. Is that how it is? Does it have to be that way or is it just down to attitude and optimism? And if thats the case, can we apply it to other things too. Like conditional love. I love you but only if you wear make up? it seems to me that if the sentence has a but in it, there is all ways a down side to what the person is about to say. Is that fair? No. It is not. And to make it worse. We never see the but coming. For a small word, it sure does have a big impact.

So as i sit here, listening to the rain patter on my window sill, blabbing about something that really only just popped into my head. And being desperate to write a blog, i wonder, does the weather really effect our moods? Or, is it just an excuse for us to blame our bad moods on? Which leads me to wonder... Why do we need an excuse to have a bad mood once in a while? We, as women especially, need to have a cob on. It's essential to our genes. Therefore, so are men. They get grouchy too. But. Do we really need to find excuses? If we don't have a valid reason to be angry or upset or in a silly pointless mood, that gets more than you upset. Then surely it is time to get our acts together and be happy. I want to be, but sometimes, i just get... lonely leading to sadness leading to annoyance. It's not the weather, its me.

Let the rain fall, let the sound wash through me and let it help me drift off to sleep as i lay in bed. Let it wash away the sadness in the world. Let it wash the sadness away from the hearts of my friends. And for the love of God! Let's start singing in the rain!

Catch up!

2010-12-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

Having started many posts and then later deleting them, i was starting to get a little sad. Had i lost my flow, and if so how long would it last? Its been gone for ages, i struggled even to write my english essay so when i realized that my flow had disappeared from fiction too! Maybe i had been just preoccupied with coursework and revision or just being too damn tired. However, in the past week i have read two books! Yeah, i know i haven't really been able to go anywhere because of the snow, but its still quite bad that i haven't been able to do coursework. I just cant focus. So i began to re-write my story, which by the way i wont be posting, firstly because i want to get it published, and second because it would take me years to post the thing. So at first i wanted to write it, alternating between characters perspective, i read a book like it before, called North Child? Or something like that. Anyway i really liked it so i tried it my self, it worked quite well but i realized that maybe it would be better for me to write it third, that way i could zoom into one person more easily rather than having to change chapters, its annoying though, im so used to writing in first person so i keep doing accidentally... oops.

Well thats a start. Again, i changed my career path, i figured being a journalist would be interesting but having read my most recent book i figured that the job could be kind of dangerous, and not only that i wouldn't know how to write about death and pain. I would get to emotional involved connecting it to myself somehow, trying to understand what exactly the victim was going through, and i wouldn't gossip about celebrities, so i let it go. Still wanting to be an author i figured as i was reading and noticing slight mistakes, i could be the one to correct them, and get to read these brilliant books for money. Being paid for something that i love doing. Plus i could pretty much choose how i do it, therefore, i would still have time to write my own material. Simple.

Plus i applied for college yesterday, its weird it feels like only yesterday i was getting nervous of high school, i know that life is a journey but you don't expect to fly though it, life should at least be strolled though, sometimes you need to be somewhere for that little bit longer. Still, college has been applied for so they should get back to me! Scary stuff.

So, whats been going on? Not a lot, having finished school for Christmas i went to see my dad, who was ill with the flew thing that i had a couple of weeks ago, which now my mum has too, i feel bad but I'm not the only one who could have given it to them at the end of the day. Then i went down to my lovely friends bless her, the four of us crazy people danced ate and just plain simply made fools of ourselves. I had a good night and i needed it it was the last time before Christmas i would probably see them again. I was supposed to see one of them again on Monday but because of the snow, lovely Exeter was at a stand still. So looks like i will be travelling up there tomorrow! With little brother in tow, as my sister isn't coming home now until tomorrow, fair enough though the snow is really thick. Well i really need to go up tomorrow so hopefully, we will be in luck and the weather will be permitting, other wise Christmas presents will be late this year... so annoying, but at least i know exactly what i need. I'm going to be writing a list, my i feel like santa!

I don't feel as excited as i normally do though. Maybe its because i know what I'm getting this year, but i cant help that i suppose. I wanted what i wanted. Maybe i will tomorrow, i might get up early and download some christmas music to pump my legs to when walking. Not that i will be able to walk that fast but, never mind!

Quote of the Day!

2010-12-21T11:59:00.000-08:00

I think that this quote pretty much speaks for itself. I love it and i think that its so true, humans make mistakes because they're born too, i sure as hell have made my fair share and i think deep down you know you have too, no one is perfect. No you probably haven't made as many as you think you have, because some mistakes are made for good reason, with better outcomes. Marilyn Monroe was right, we have the bad things to remind us exactly what we love! Treasure them. Your beautiful. Appreciate yourself, others already do.

Peace out, Georgie. xx

Quote of the Day!!

2010-12-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

God has given you one face, and you make yourself another

- William Shakespeare

Quote of the Day!

2010-12-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same.

- Elbert Hubbard

Daily Quote / Quote of my Day

2010-12-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

Im really sorry, i knew i would be bad at this :/ I'm terrible i know ... I cant promise that I'm going to be able to post a quote every single day at this rte, and you got to give me some sympathy, i am in year 11 after all, I'm sorry that i haven't done a proper post for such a long time either. I just don't know what exactly to write about ... I will think about it when I'm not trying to get rid of this bug thing i have at the moment.... Cough, cold, headaches, hot flushes, the list goes on. Its doing my head in.

Anyway it wont be a daily quote but a quote of the day sort of thing, when i have one or if i remember / have time to post one.

So here's today's

Life is like a piano,

what you get out of it depends on how you play it,

Right now, your not playing it too well

I've had this picture forever and been totally in love with it from first glance, and i always wanted to accompany it with a blog, but i never really wrote one to go with it very well. I bet i will write one that would fit it perfectly now, that is if i ever write one again. Sad times.

Everyone has days when they think that they aren't playing their piano too well, or someone isn't playing it too you or a friend well at all, we all have our days and its sad when someone has to go through a rough patch. Sometimes people go though too many patches, and as a friend of those people its hard to watch, you want to step in and just pull them out and take it all for them, but, you cant, they need to deal with it themselves and the majority would rather you didn't, would you want them to do the same to you? Besides because of the way that life pans out, you'll get your own amount of mess later on that you'll have to act as a cleaner for. I hate seeing my friends sad, but i know that all i can do is be there for them, its hard when you want to talk to the hurter, give them a piece of your mind, but as i have learned from experience, the only thing you can do for them is be happy and support them, but they need to sort out their problems for themselves. I know that it sounds harsh, but its true, as sad and frustrating as that may be, there isn't anything you can do to change it.

I wish that i could help you, my best friend get through what you hide, but i can't. Its a sad fact of life that can't be changed. I wish i could pull you back and take it all for you, save you from the tears that have streamed and stained your cheeks. I wish i could save you from pain. I wish that i could take it all away, i know that i haven't been the best that i could ever be. And I'm sorry for that. I'm here now, and i hope that helps or at least counts for something. I will always be here, i love you, and i hope you know that now if you had missed all those signs before.

I think that counts as half a blog... hmm, think i just got a bit carried away then. Oopsies.

Anyhow, for the next one,

Peace out ,, Georgie. xx

Daily quote - trial

2010-12-01T13:59:00.000-08:00

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

- Confucius

A beauty quote, kind of a shame really thats its true, but i guess that those that do see the beauty are special and worth being close with.

Daily quote - trial

2010-11-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

We're still on trial and im still behind in my work hence why a long list of rant hasn't been posted... Here is todays.

"Take Your Own Advice Before Offering It To Others"

By Georgie Radford

Daily quote - trial

2010-11-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

Im thinking of doing a new feature, as i have been forgetting to do "styling sunday" because i have had other things on my mind unfortunately what with coursework and so on and i'm thinking, i like quotes and i think it would cheer me up a little, obviously i wont be able to post every single day because i may not be at home or whatever, so this is an official on trial feature.

So, i follow this blog THREE.SIX.TWO, its a picture blog and they posted this picture

It got me thinking though, it is so true... its a little harder to apply it in life, but if you do, God will it be worth it ! The plus side is you would be happier pursuing something than just finding a reason not to do it. If you really want it then go for it, dont put it off.

I am going to work on a blog a bit later on, i really want to do it now but i have drama coursework to finish, bummer,

Peace out, Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!!

2010-11-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

Friday night, another come dine with me night!

I accidently forgot to take pictures of the food, whops i forgot my camera...

Anyway, i will blog in detail about what is going on in my lovely life later on. Feel free to read it, and well if not, too bad for me... or not, whatever.

Shoes = New look

Tights = Sainsbury's

Skirt = Primark

sweater? = Next

vest top = Primark

Saturday, the chill out day...

Jeans = Matalan

Belt = Market stall

Tank top = H&M

Hoody = Ebay

Sunday, went to see my mummy's friend, and i felt like wearing tights...

Tights = TKMax

Shorts = River Island

Shirt Dress = New look

Belt = New Look

Tank Top = H&M

Thats all for today folks, type to you soon...

Peace out, Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!!

2010-11-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

Hello! Sorry. I'm rubbish, but i have some bad news. I dont have any photos of my charming self this weekend, as i have had so much on my mind at the moment and i just popped on to blogger to se what was going on in the world, and mentally swore remembering what a retard i have been, so lwts talk about what things i could kill for at the moment shall we, its still style, right ?

mod cloth ... are you that surprised ?

I have got to say i have a tad obsession with skirts and black tights at the moment.

Army Boots, amazing but expensive, damn it

Ripped jeans!! i love them but i dont know if they'd suit me, and i dont want to do it to some of mine in case it doesnt... hmmm

Biker jacket, what can i say??

Anyway thats all for today, make it up to you next week, promise,

Peace out, Georgie xx

Stairs

2010-11-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm climbing stairs, they are uneven and tricky. Some times, I'll trip and stumble, sometimes the next step will easy. Like life. Sometimes, you will find that climbing the stairs is as easy as climbing the stairs in you house, and other times your climbing the impossible stair that is rough, uneven, steep and slippery, you could slip off at any moment and have to start again, or someone could appear and pull you up that last little bit, sometimes they will appear again and again, and you will learn to love them. Other times, they look like there about to help you, but they're the ones that end up pushing you down.

Sometimes, you can get pushed down so many times that you just want to sit down and wait for someone to pick you up and just carry up, because you have simply given up, you don't want to have to pick yourself up anymore, you've lost hope. You think you know the out come of the next step, and it hurts. Or, so you think. The point is that you cant just give up on your life, you have to keep going, or you might be stuck on a hard step for longer than you were supposed to be in the first place. You have to keep going for things to get better. Because sometimes there will be a little bit of flat to get to the next flight. No, it wont be easy to get to the top of them, but once you do, gee'z will the view be worth it. Maybe, you will want to get higher, so another flight of stairs will come, but don't worry with a little help you make it.

Your never quite sure who you should trust, as at any moment they could put out a hand and push you down. And sometimes, you'll be the one helping someone else up their next step, so most likely, they'll be back to help you. People come and go, some stay for longer, and some vanish without a word. You cant wish them back. No matter what you wish on, how you wish for it, nor can the strength of your wish, not if they don't want too...

I know that stairs are a strange way to put it, but i guess, i'm the daughter of a stair maker, the metaphor seems solid.

It's a draining process, but it's a process, and it makes you grateful for the areas of flat, and it you think about it that way, think at least your not going downhill.

Anyway a short and complicated blog for you :)

Peace out, Georgie xx

Come dine with me :) x

2010-11-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

Pose!

Here are a load of pictures for you from my come dine with me last Friday. Sorry that it has taken me so long, and i should be getting back to average blogging soon, but i was having so much fun writing that story, i dont know what it is about writing that just sort of, sets me free from everything and seems to sort of, let me create characters that i would just fall on my face for!

Anyway, here are some pictures for you!

Matt!

Georgia! <3

Alby aka My baby

Us!

Me!

Bubbles!

Cray Shannon <3

Weirdo, still love her!

TIN!

CUSTARD!!!

We were trying to get action shots as we were whipping each other with wet tea towels, hehe.

We didnt get any but, he is Matts backside for ya!

George got whipped and slapped really hard, ended up on my kitchen floor ... twice.

Um, you know i dont actually want to talk about it...

Anyway,

Peace out, Georgie xx

Short story - my dream - part two of part three - FINAL

2010-11-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

From me - Again, beware this section does contain disturbing and sexual images, sorry if it offends you, as it wasn't created for this purpose. I simply wrote it. This is my final piece, if it does offend you please let me know and I will remove the posts. But i hope you enjoy it.

Two months later I lay on my bed, hand-in-hand with Coop'. Our relationship wasn't anything new anymore, new scandals had been and gone, and no one noticed us - except Joe. He hated me for hogging his son. I had asked Coop' so many times to spend more time with his father - Coop' insisted that it was more jealousy than loneliness that spawned Joe's new found hatred. So I steered clear.

"Coop'?" I asked, putting my chin on his chest, I rose and fell with it.

"Mmm?" he replied not opening his eyes.

"Why does your Pa hate me really?" he rose, leaning on his elbows for balance. He huffed, exasperated by the question that was always on my mind. "I just want to know the truth."

"Because he know we have, what he and my mother wanted... Love Ci'" He said when I only stared.

"Oh,"

"What?" he asked a slight smirk in his voice.

"Nothing." I said and I lay my head back down to listen to his heartbeat. We lay there for a while peacefully listening to the deep voice of my uncle on he phone on the floor below, the scraping of chairs the wind bashing against the window.

"I hate that." he says. I say, his most common word, hate, can't he find something to love?

"What? What do you hate?" I asked, moodily and sounding very uninterested. He was just about to say when my hormones kicked in, i got up and looked at him as though he had just told me that he had kissed another girl. "What do you hate this time? Because it seems to me that you hate pretty much god damn everything! You hate your dad for the way he's acting towards me, you hate your mum for leaving you, you hate Jason for beating me up, you hate Zoe for getting him to, you hate drugs, you hate cats, you hate the fact that you got a C in your last test, for all I know you could hate my style, my -" I kept going, Coop' stood, I was making him angry, I could see it in his face, his body language, he was so pissed off. But I couldn't stop, he put his hand over my mouth hard, it hurt.

"Want to know something, I hate it when your like this!" he wasn't shouting, it was beyond that - he whispered, quickly and angrily - it frightened me more than the shouting would have. "I love you Cira, but every god damn day you find something new to pick at, I have been waiting for you for so long, and it feels like everything I say pisses you off. I can't do anything right when it comes to you damn it. We are supposed to be in love. And I love you. Don't you love me back? Because surely if you did you wouldn't be doing this to us, yeah I understand that I can piss you off - but this much isn't possible, and if it is, what the fuck are we doing together?" A single tear slid down his cheek, and one strolled after the other on mine.

"I'm sorry," I cried, it was the first time he had told me he loved me. "I love you. I don't know why I'm like this, I know it's bitchy. But.. I don't - " The words were tumbling out almost as fast as the tears, we held each other. "I love you Cooper Haynes. Always have, always will." I whispered. We kissed, and when our breathing became heavy, he began to kiss my jaw, my neck where he nibbled and then kissed to sooth, his teeth grazed my ear - sending a shiver, ripple through my spine. Together we sank back onto my bed where, I pulled his t-shirt over his head, and explored the muscles in his back, the feel of his ribs beneath my touch, we sat on our knees, in each others embrace. I began to kiss his chest. Love ran through me like fire as he slowly drew my t-shirt over my head. We kissed again, skin meeting skin. He felt and teased with kisses and bites, and love. His hands cupped my breasts, and I gasped. "Oh God." I whispered, but he "Shh"ed me. We fell backwards my head on my pillow and Coop' straddled on top. He kissed my belly and ran his tongue over my belly button piercing. I moaned as he flipped the button of me jeans and pulled them to my knees - running his hands up and down the inside of my thighs. He muffled my groan of pleasure with a kiss, and I kicked off the rest of my jeans. Rolling over so that I was on top, I kissed his mouth, his chest, and the space just above his belt buckle, and just as I was loosening the notch there was a loud bang down stairs. My uncle was still in the house, and I was in my underwear with Coop' lying beneath me. He had heard it too, it that second he flipped me back so that again I was underneath him. I wanted more, but not now, we couldn't and he knew that as much as I did. He, in fact was already passing me my jeans, the right way out, so I could slip them on easily. And the same with my t-shirt, his was already on and he was walking out the door. I wanted him to come back, I wanted to get it over with, get the pain I had prepared for. I know that love didn't equal sex, but, I'm so ready, I walked into my bathroom and splashed water over my face. It's coolness cleared my head, it was right for us to stop, we couldn't do "it" when my uncle was in the house. I just wanted Cooper to be a part of me, forever. He would forever be my first and that was always going to be that way. I stood there, looking at my dripping face until Coop' came in to find me, he kissed the base of my neck and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Your Uncle has made dinner." he whispered I nodded, and slipped easily out of his reach. I couldn't get to close again. I coiled my hair into a bun and wandered down the stairs - Coop' close behind.

We sat at the table in silence, my uncle doing everything possible to get one of us to talk more than to just answer the question. I felt like crap, I wanted to curl into Cooper’s arms and sleep, maybe even have a bit of a cry. Stupid hormones.

"Hey baby girl, what is it?" he nabbed me whilst I was doing the dishes, "What happened upstairs, Cira? Did you two fall out?" He guessed, "I heard shouting but I thought you sorted it out. Did - did some - " he huffed "Did something happen? … Upstairs." The blood rushed to my cheeks. 
"What?! NO!" I almost screamed, "I would never do that!" I turned and took a deep breath. "We were just talking, yeah, we fell out." I felt drained already, and I knew that he would talk to the boys too.

I stomped heavily up the stairs so he wouldn't follow me up, but I knew that he would look in when he went up to bed.

I fell into my room and slammed onto my bed. I hadn't been lying there long when my phone buzzed. 

"Hello?" I asked sleepily. There was a giggle on the other line.
"Hey sleepy, Cooper with you?" it was Shannon.
"Well hello gorgeous." I laughed,

"Why, hello yourself. Are you alone or not?"

"Yeah I'm alone, what’s up?" I sat up so the covers didn’t muffle my voice.

"Well, I was sat with Olivia, and we were talking as we do and we were wondering if you would come to the cinema with us?"

"Low on money?" I hinted the smile tinting my voice. 
"Maybe..."

"Sure I'll speak to my Uncle. Jamie too?" 
"Yep, I spoke to her already... Did you want Coop' to come?" 
"Um, nah. Just us girls." There was a silence.
"Um, You sure?" 
"Yeah! I can be with out him for more than hour you know." I laughed.  
"That’s hard to believe,” she laughed on the other end.

"So, what’s really up honey, you seem down." she paused, and then launched into her thoughts I lay on my back and we just talked. I must have talked to her for hours. It wasn't until after i had said good-bye that I realized how much I missed my girlie's. That shouldn't have happened. My uncle knocked on my door, just as I stood up. He smiled awkwardly; I guessed he had hoped that I would already be asleep. I smiled back.

"I was just talking to Shannon. We were wondering if you could possibly get us some ticket to 'Life as we know it' for next week?"

"Well, its a pretty busy showing Ci'" He scratched his neck uncomfortable, he was loosing money and there we a few of us that wanted to go.

"Oh, we were going to pay you back!" I reassured him.

"Well, I can get you a discount, but I can’t get you any free tickets next week, sorry baby."

"That's great thank you so much, I owe you Da’" I gave him a big hug, i knew he was uncomfortable going through the Cooper and I phase so, I decided to cut him some slack.

"So how many do you want?"

"Umm, four please? We decided to have a girlie day" 

"Okay, no problem." he smiled

"Night Pa, love you." I said as he turned to leave.

"Love you to Cira, more than I can say." I smiled, and he closed the door slowly.

"Cira!" I heard my name being called from behind me as I walked through the town hand in hand with Coop'. I knew the voice, belong to Shannon, so I stopped. She was with Olivia, the pair were inseparable.  "Well hello my prize winning lettuce, how are you?" I laughed at Olivia's comment.

"I'm good, yourself?" I replied

"Amazing as per usual." She grinned, "We still up for later?"

"Always" I smiled, waving good bye they left us and we kept walking, I put Coop's arm around my waist and hugged him, I was feeling low and would rather we were somewhere were i could just hold on to him and not let go. He hugged me back.

"Let me take you out for dinner, we never do that." He said against my hair. I looked up at him and smiled. 

"Cooper, does this mean i have to wear a dress?" 

"I would love to see you in a dress." He smiled, 

"I don't do dresses," 

"But, you have gorgeous legs, besides, it would be uncomfortable for you to turn up in jeans." the left corner of his mouth rose in a teasing smile.

"Damn you win." He kissed me sweetly and we kept walking 

"So I'll pick you up at 8?" "Sure... I'm so cold." He stopped walking and he let go, I shivered as I watched him slide off his black biker jacket, I had always loved that jacket. When he passed it to me, my eyes went wide and I shook my head.

"No! You'll get cold!"

He looked at me exasperated, "Then keep me warm." I put it on; the coat was still warm from his body. I snuggled into it and put my arms back around him. "Warm enough?" I asked quietly,

"With you? Always" he kissed my head.

Later, when I was saying good-bye, waiting outside of the cinema for the girls that I was supposed to be spending the day with. They had told me I was allowed to see Cooper, as they would be stealing me away next weekend. As it was Jamie's birthday and she had booked a spa weekend for the four of us. I was amazingly excited and had been working my ass off for the past four months so that I could afford the treatments, she would pay for the room, the service, we would pay for the treatments. Money didn't grow trees.

We kissed, to the sound of the city and a whistle from the other side of the road. Alex ran over to us grabbing Cooper out of my arms and giving him a manly smack on the back hug. It made me laugh.

“Hey? Where’s mine?” I said, slightly opening my arms, for his hug. With a sparkle in his eye, he pushed my shoulder.
“I don’t like you, go away!”

“Hey!” Cooper said, punching him in the stomach, “What’s not to like?” Alex laughed,
“She stole my bitch.” I laughed, and he turned to squish me. “So, what are you guys up to?”
“We’re saying bye” Coop’ smiled at me
“Eww.” Alex grimaced; he was still a child at heart. Despite him, or to spite him Coop’ pulled me into his body roughly with one arm, and made me lean backwards, like in the movies. The kiss was hot, leaving me breathless. When he stood me back up Liv’, Jay and Shannon were stood watching. I smiled guiltily, and Alex was dragging Cooper away down the road, he winked at me and waved mouthing the words “I love you.” My heart rolled and I sighed, I could never get tired of him.

“C’mon lover girl, you need to get the tickets.” Shannon dragged me up the steps and into the lobby; Uncle Patrick was working the desk, phew. We got in the queue and waited.

“Hey Pap.” I smiled, “Have you got them?”

“Yes. Just give me a fiver.”

“Woo, thank you.” I grinned, and turned to walk away. Then he came out of his booth calling my name, being the boss, he wore a suit.

“Cira, we’re staying at the hotel tonight.”

“What! NO!” my jaw dropped, I hated staying at the hotel, it wasn’t home, and I was supposed to be going out with Cooper.

“Don’t make a scene Cira.” He said in his firm but quiet voice. I stared angrily at him.
“I’m seventeen, I’m going home.”

“I am still in charge of you, until your eighteen, your in my care, would you have done this to your parents? You’re staying at the hotel.” I turned around quickly, and began to walk away, stopping, about three paces away from him, I turned my head and said; “You are my parent.” Then I ran to the screening, just in time for the show.

I was pissed off. How dare he involve them? He had no right to do that; I couldn't focus on the film. I stood and walked out. I could feel people’s eyes on the back of my head - their sighs as I made them move to get out. When I reached the lobby, I could see my uncle, so I walked back to his office. I sat with his head in his hands and his glasses perched on the end of his nose. I noticed the grey flecks that contrasted with his black hair. "You’re missing the film." he said with out looking up.

"I'm going home to pick up my pajama's, want anything? Oh wait, you brought everything you needed, you had already decided. Well see you then." I said, my tone angry and spiteful. I turned, my hand already on the doorknob. I wasn't ready to forgive him yet. "Cira, come here." He was on his feet, and as much ready for a fight as I was.
"What?"

"Why did you come in here? Do you want to fight? Because if you do, then lets fight!"

"You had no right to involve my parents so that you got your way, as usual!" my voice raised - yes, I wanted a fight. "Why would you do that?"

"Because, you want the house to yourself with Cooper, you have changed since you started going out with him, and not in a good way. I see those looks, you give him." His voice was louder too.

"No I haven't, what is so bloody different about me?" 

"You want sex!"

"And?! All girls my age want to have sex with the person they love, and no Patrick, its not lust, I love him so much! You wouldn't understand, what that’s like. And you use my parent’s death to your own advantages because you know that it works! You ask me what they would think but I don't know because I don't remember because they're dead! I hate you!" I had never, in all the arguments with my uncle had said that I hated him. Because it wasn't true, I loved my uncle. He had done everything and more for me. He looked down at his shoes and a tear dropped onto mine. I opened my mouth to apologize but nothing came out, then his arms were around him. I sobbed in anger and regret. I regretted everything that I had said. "I'm sorry Pa, so sorry." I cried.

"Me too, my baby, me too."

"Okay," I sniffed, "I do actually need to go home and get some clothes." I sniffed and pushed him away.

"Cira, I will make it up to you, I promise. I just have this dinner tonight and I don't want to go by myself. Would you come with your old man, make him look good?"

"I can introduce you as that."

"Kay, bye." I left.

Four hours later I was stood in a black cocktail dress and heels, arm in arm with my Pa. We attended a boring dinner with investors and other old men in overly large dinner jackets and fancy cuff links. Talking about the stock market and whether or not Pa's boys would be taking over the business or whether he was going to sell it. The only one who didn't talk was Joe, Pa's head of whatever it was.

"Well, why can't it come to me?" I asked, sipping 7UP as a group of us stood in front of a large open fire in what the hotel called the "Great Hall".

"Because dear, you are a female,” replied a pompous man with a ridiculous looking molecule.

"What has that got to do with anything?" I asked, my annoyance at his sexist attitude showing through.

"You dear, do not have the proper education nor the sense to run a business this large."

"Excuse me buddy, but I got all A's and above in my GCSE's and I'm on target to get A's in my A-levels, we don't live in prehistoric ages when females weren't allowed to learn fuck-all. Do me a favor... fuck off back to your own century." I span around and walked out the room, hearing applause from spectators - walking up the stairs I smiled, seeing men and women clapping - arms in the air. The guy was nowhere to be seen. But I couldn't smile; I knew that I had probably just gotten Pa in trouble. Hey, the douche deserved it.

After unexpected congratulations from Pa when he came up to say that I didn't have to come back down, I ran a bath. I rarely took baths, showers were easier, and to be honest, more relaxing. But hell, why not, I had had quite a bad day and a long one at that. The white bath had huge clawed feet. I poured bubbles into it. I coiled my hair high on top of my head and undressed. I sank into the bath and looked around the room. The bath stood opposite the dark wood door, there was a toilet and a sink, in which I lay in front, then behind me there was a Japanese style painted wooden screen with a chair behind it. I closed my eyes and drank in the atmosphere of the bath. They were relaxing. Showers were just easier. Everything seemed so peaceful, then there was a cloth over my mouth, with a strong hand holding it there, the cloth muffled my screams, I was kicking slapping the water, as the chemical over the cloth sank into my blood steam; soon, I lost control of my body and I couldn't make my legs kick or my arms claw. My body wouldn't - couldn't move. As I began to droop into the water, and just as it hit my eyes someone grabbed my hair and pulled me out and onto the floor. My eyes closed as the pain knocked me out.

When I woke I sighed, I must have fallen asleep, I went to turn my head to see the time. But I couldn't move and my fingers wouldn't react. Then, I heard someone's voice - deep and familiar.

"Cira? Hello sleeping beauty." Joe came into my view. He had pulled the chair from behind the screen and sat backwards on it facing me. I panicked, I was naked, and Joe was here, I wanted to move, cover myself, and run. He sneered at me, at the fear in my eyes.

"So, Cira, you and my son, hey? Has he had it in him yet?" he laughed. My heart was beating fast, I didn't understand. What was he going to do? And, why? He still wore a suit, and kept taking swigs from a large bottle of Jack Daniels, straight whiskey, he was drunk. But that didn't make it any better, it made it worse, he could do worse to me because he wasn't thinking clearly. "Has he, touched you yet Cira?" he said getting off the chair and kicking it across the room, it skidded and fell. He knelt down next to me and began trailing his index finger down my belly. "So soft," he murmured, to himself? Memorized by my skin. "Sad that you can't stop me from doing this..." his finger tailed from my belly and up to my breast, I could feel his touch, but had no control over the reactions of my body. I would have shivered. He trailed his fingers up and down my torso, as tears escaped my eyes. As he did, he talked to me; I was a whore, like Cooper’s mother, who was going to ruin Cooper’s life, like she did his, with a baby. But Cooper wouldn’t have it in him; he was a pussy, who wouldn’t fight. He smiled at me, like he would if he was sane. He had gotten bored of this exercise; he began to kiss the areas he had touched. I wanted to buck, to scream, to kick and scrape. I wanted to get him off me. I was helpless. No one could help me because I couldn't scream, and worse, I couldn't help myself. "Has he got inside you yet, whore?" he whispered in my ear, teeth bared. He straddled me, and slapped my face, then grabbing my chin roughly he kissed my mouth, biting at my lips and my neck, my boobs.

"Has he done this?" he asked biting his lip. He shoved his fingers inside of me, so roughly that I saw black spots; then again as he did, he hit me. Tears still fell, now in pain rather than fear – he was going to rape me, and the murderous look in his eyes told me he didn’t intend to let me tell anyone. He thrust his fingers again - my body, however, didn't react. I heard a shout, and his hand was wrenched away. And for the second time in two years I heard the sound of bone crunching bone and again I couldn't see who my savior was, until my head flopped to the side, Cooper knelt over his father furiously batting him with his fists, tears streamed down his cheeks as he cried "How could you? I thought you were getting better." I wanted to cry out, get him to stop. He would regret beating his father, for me. When he was sure his father wasn't going to get up for a while he stopped and looked over at me, "Cira?" I didn't answer, "Cira?" his voice got louder, "CIRA!" he was shouting, grabbing my shoulders and shaking, he got a towel and wrapped it around me. Holding me in his arms, and it dawned on me; he thought I was dead. He kissed me, no response. Again, he tried, no response, putting two fingers on my wrist he found my pulse and looked confused. Then, he saw the rag, and knew. His tears hit my cheeks, adding to my own. He rocked me "Don't leave me Cira, ever, I love you, please stay with me" and praying for forgiveness, from me, and God. He started, shouting, - names - people down stairs, just screaming for help. I was being loaded into an ambulance, when everything went black.

I woke to the steady beating of a machine, when I opened my eyes everything was a blur. I closed them again. The hospital? It smelt like one. And there was too much light.

When I woke for the second time I was in my room, had it all been just a horrible dream? Then I felt the bandages on the hands holding mine, and Cooper's face, eyes red and fresh tears streaming.

"Hi." I tried to smile. He put a hand on my face. "You saved my life."

He shook his head "I saved your virginity."

"And my life… Do you hate me?" my voice was rough, but he laughed wiping his face.

"I love you. Do you hate me?"

"No, I love you. What did you do?"

"My - Joe drugged and was going to rape you Ci'. I think that gives you cause to hate me."

"Why? What I do?"

"Remind him of my mom, and not fall in love with him."

"I didn't mean too."

"I know baby,” he said stroking my hair and battered face. We sat together, staring into each other’s faces.

“What – What happened after?” I whispered

“He’s in hospital, the police want to interview him, and you’re going to have to make a statement too.” He looked down at our hands.

“I’m so sorry Cooper.” I said biting my lip, realizing that it was swollen I let go.

“Don’t be. He is the one that should be sorry, you did nothing wrong Cira.”

We sat, staring at each other, trying to believe I was still breathing.

"How did you find me?" I asked after a while.

"You forgot about our date, so I came here, expecting to find you waiting, and when no one came to the door, I rang your answer machine. Your uncle said that you were staying at the hotel; I went down there to give you some abuse. If I had gotten there any later... I would never have forgiven myself" I put my finger over his lips and shushed.

"You asked me to do something in the bathroom." I said - my finger was still on his lip's some he only looked confused "You asked me to never leave you, so, if you promise me, then I will promise you."

"Cira, I'm never going to leave you, ever. I only plan on saying this to one person, I love you."

I smiled up at him, love seeping further into my heart and he leaned down to kiss me as the door burst open - the boys and my uncle poured in like milk. I supposed I was really quite lucky.

They sat on my bed and we ate ice cream, they were the story of my life, but hey - I couldn’t complain.

* From me - I hoped you like the story, I definitely did writing it. As for what happens next, let me know what you think... Do they stay together forever?

Let me know your thoughts on it, I'd love to hear them*

Short story - my dream - part one of part three

2010-11-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

From me - I'm sorry, this is going to have to be posted in two parts, as the amount is way to much the other half should be on in a couple of days. And sorry for the massive gaps, I don't know thats happening... Okay, here we go, enjoy!!

Two more years past. We left School-began College. In our second year, everything changed. No we never drifted again, yes, I did get my first kiss, and no it wasn't from Coop' to my utter disappointment. We didn't go out, but I always loved him more than anyone else I had ever had feelings for. My feelings for Coop' never changed. Unfortunately for those other boys though, it wasn't just brotherly love. I was always and always would be in love with Cooper Hayes.

There was a knock on my door. Now that the boys had moved out, there was only one person it could be.

"Come in?" I called; picking up some papers from my midnight writing session and threw them into the wire basket I used as a bin. My uncle popped his head around the door,

"The boys and girls are coming around for dinner today, want to invite Coop' round?"

"Um, yeah sure, thanks." I grinned straightening. He nodded and then shut my door again. Walking over to my big double bed I picked up my mobile from my nightstand. Falling face first onto my pillows and messy duvet I scrolled my phone for Coopers number. I gave up and just dialed it, and lay it on the side of my face.

Someone coughed as they picked up. "Hello, this is Coop's phone?" it was his dad.

"Ah. Hey Joe. It's Cira. Is Coop' there?"

Joe-known in my eyes for creepiness, yes I loved Coop' but I hated going over to his place, I always felt like his dad watched me, it made my spine tingle-cleared his thought "He's just in the shower right know, shall I get him to call you back?"

"Um, yes please, that would be great thanks very much. See you later." then I hung up. I had to control the images of Coop in the shower that sprung willingly into my head. I scrunched up my face and trying to force them back down again. I was just about to have him over for dinner; I could hardly speak to him when these images were --

"Hello?" I said as my phone started singing to me.

"Hey, you rang?"

"I did indeed," I smirked hearing his door shut. I found myself biting down hard on my lip.

"Well? What’s on your mind?" he asked, after a pause on my end. I was in fantasy world again, a world where Coop' and I were, well-not on the phone. "Hey? Ci' you still there?" Coop's low voice brought me back to the room.

"Yeah, sorry zoned out. Um the boys are coming up for this after noon for dinner. Pat wanted to know if you wanted to come up?"

"Yeah sure that sounds great thanks, tell him thanks, I’ll be up in about an hour. That good with you?"

"Yeah that’s fine, see you in a bit." Smiling I hung up and threw down my phone-pulling off my t-shirt as I ran into my en-suit bathroom and turned the shower on high. I showered quickly and dressed in jeans and a clean shirt before blow-drying my mad curly hair. By the time I had finished flicking some mascara on Cooper's Jeep pulled into the drive.

"Hey!" he laughed-catching me in his arms as I ran to him.

"Hey back" I grinned up at him, he had grown again, and I hadn't.

It was kind of gutting really having your best friend shoot up when you stay the same height that you were in year 8.

"So, what's for dinner?" he asked putting his arm around my shoulders and grinning down at me. As it always did-my heart fluttered.

"Ummm... Pat, what’s for dinner again?" i asked running in to the kitchen

"Roast Ci' its Sunday."

"Oh yeah, thanks." I grinned grabbing Coop's hand and pulling him out for a walk with me, yeah, it was snowing outside but who cared?

We wondered towards the woods talking as normal, laughing, teasing, fighting in the snow. Then his phone went off, buzzing. I sat down on a fallen tree and looked up at the bald tree branches, did the trees feel the cold? I was cold, freezing I shivered so Coop' rubbed my arm absentmindedly as he reached-smiling slightly- into his back pocket for his phone. He pulled back a fraction when he read the text, and chuckled.

"What’s funny?" I asked smiling, I wanted to pout and sulk, what was so god damn funny?

"Hmm?" he asked not even looking up at me as he replied, tapping keys quickly "Oh, nothing."

I stood up quickly-refusing to listen to the nagging in my head telling me to find out who caused the laugh and how. Would he rather be with someone else? I began to walk back towards the house-probably too fast for my own good, snow crunching loudly under my heavy footsteps. Why did I bother to invite him over? This happened every time.

"What did I do?" I heard him call after me-I kept walking. "Hey!" he was running to catch up now, he grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him. His expression confused - a little wary.

"Why are you here, Cooper? Wouldn't you rather be somewhere else?" my eyes narrowed - his widened-shocked at my expression and interrogation.

"It was a text!" his voice raised slightly in defense.

"Oh go play with your hoe." I shoved at him and ran,

"What the fuck?" I heard him shout after me. I just ran, tears were running down my face but I couldn't feel them. I couldn't feel the cold air rushing through my hair. My heart was breaking. I was in sight of the house; grabbing my elbow he spun me around. "What the hell is wrong with you today?" he shouted.

"Get off me" I squirmed.

"Stop it." he said through his teeth reaching for my other elbow to hold me steady.

"Go away, you hate me! Why are you here?" I sobbed repeating my earlier words. I squirmed enough for him to let me go, he was shocked. I walked this time wiping my face "Cira!" he shouted, I heard the anger in his voice, he was closer behind me than I thought -I was reaching the house now. Spinning around I asked "What? What the fuck do you want you sleazy narrow-minded insensitive-" Cooper pushed me hard against the wall, I felt the cold stone through my hoodie, the push winded me. I didn't want to let him see; I just glared back at him. His face red with anger he yelled "Shut up!” Then suddenly shocking me as his lips pressed against mine and pushed my head back against the wall, as he forced my own open, his warm breath filling me up, then there was something new, his tongue, quick and hot. I could have groaned, it was finally happening, and it was as good as I had always expected it to be. His body was pressing hard against mine, crushing the breath from my lungs against the wall, but I didn’t feel the pain, my heart was thumping erratically. Then he was grabbing my leg trying to hoist me up onto his hips, I let him. We fell to the cold snowy ground. That was when we stopped, as I realized that anyone of the men or women inside would have been able to see us. I stood slowly watching as he rose to his feet-whispering apologies into my hair, "But I've been wanting to do that for a very long time."

"Then why didn't you? I've been waiting for that for longer than you have."

He laughed, "I find that hard to believe." he said backing away

"Try me." I rolled my eyes

"13."

"Damn it!" I almost stomped my foot "15." I admitted, he grinned.

"But, I hadn't wanted it to be like that."

"Well, it wasn't how I had pictured it either." I shrugged. Then he leaned down, and placing his bottom lip almost perfectly in between mine, he kissed me again. And that was our first, first kiss. We stood there, for a while, just holding each other. My heart wanted to explode - beating so fast. I wanted to cry with happiness.

"Hey, what is it baby?" Coop' lifted my chin, I frowned in confusion, "Why are you crying?" he asked kissing the tears, that I didn't know existed away. I was crying? My chin wobbled like it did when I cried - rare still. "Was it that bad? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have." he held me again, crying pleas of forgiveness. I reached to put both my hands on his cheeks, "Stop being sorry all the time," I laughed, but got caught on a sob. "Thank you for it! These are tears of relief, not sadness or anger." I grabbed handfuls of his hair; I stood there trying to believe that it had finally happened. I was finally free from this feeling of worry that had me wondering if Coop and I could ever be. Now we were. Weren't we?

"Cira! Dinner! Jesus!" John came out of the house shouting for us to get the hell inside and out of the bloody cold. We walked, but I didn't try to hold his hand and lace his fingers with my own. He did it himself. My heart bumped and skidded in my chest. His hands were warm and large; rough kind of from the work he did on the farms in summer.

When we sat at the table, my uncle wouldn't have the pair of us sat together. He'd seen, he didn't say so, but he had, I knew he had. And we both know what that meant. But I wouldn't get it until everyone was gone, I would pray that they would stay for a long time.

"Are you going to eat or just think all night?" John whispered in my ear, I looked up at him frowning and then looking down at my plate I realised I had barely eaten.

We stood there, for a while, just holding each other. My heart wanted to explode - beating so fast. I wanted to cry with happiness.

"Are you going to eat or just think all night?" John whispered in my ear, I looked up at him frowning and then looking down at my plate I realized I had barely eaten. I scooped up a couple of mouthfuls to show that I was fine, and that nothing was going on, but I felt sick eating, and I didn’t understand why. I should feel amazing – not sick. I stood mouthful of sweet corn and ran to the bathroom. I spat out the food and sat on the floor-head in hands- elbows on the toilet lid. Gerry came in and sat on the floor next to me rubbing my back.

“What the fuck baby, you were fine a second ago?”

I shrugged causing my body to shake with a shudder.

I wretched. Gerry flinched but kept rubbing my back and saying, “okay,” every time I urged. While I barfed I cried. Can you blame me? When I looked up Gerry’s eyes were red too. I was shivering. Gerry wiped my face with a warm flannel and hugged me lightly, as I held on he picked me up and carried me up the stairs, my head lay on his chest and I listened to his heart beat. The sound I would forever love. I was laid gently on my bed and my shoes were taken off, someone kissed my head and placed my duvet over me.

I slept. Not waking until someone came in and kissed my head - my cheek - my hair. I opened my eyes. The curtains had been drawn and the light was dimming outside, I had slept a while, I guessed. I focused on the person stroking my hair. It was Cooper. I sighed, “Sorry.” I thought about sitting up, but didn’t want to risk it. “Don’t be, how are you feeling?” he asked, keeping his voice low and soft. “Okay, just a little drained, I haven’t been sleeping well.” He nodded, “You have to go.” I said, trying to smile sympathetically. He nodded, “sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I put a hand on his cheek and scooted to put a cheek on the other one, his were warm; mine were cold, “Your cold.” He whispered, he picked up a hat that lay carelessly on my floor and put it on me, he touched my cheek then left biting his lip as he closed the door. I heard his engine rumble and his tires roll over the snow- then I fell back into dreamless sleep.

“Cira? Sweetie, can you hear me?” I mumbled in reply. “Ci’ sorry to wake you, but you need to eat or drink, you’ve slept over fourteen hours.” I groaned, and shook my head meekly. “C’mon, honey, please?” I opened my eyes to see my uncle staring back at me, in a suit, ready for work. I needed to call college; I couldn’t go in like this. “I called them already, and Coop too, he said he hoped that you felt better soon.” My Uncle said, I swear he read my mind. He made me eat toast and a pint of water to rehydrate and then left for work, telling me that Gerry would be by to check on me on his lunch hour. I didn’t stay awake long enough to find out.

Two days later I was up and alive again, must have been a bug I had picked up from school. I picked up the get well soon cards from random people and tossed them in the bin, all except Cooper’s which read,

To my beautiful baby,

I hope you feel better soon,

Give me a call when you do,

Love you,

Cooper. Xx

It made me smile, so I put it in a shoebox along with all the other cards and notes that I had horded from Coop. I did exactly what he asked, and called him, neither of us had class until later in the day so we could do something, I was going crazy, I needed to get out of the house. And he was the perfect ticket out.

“Hello, gorgeous.” I heard his smile before I saw it. I was sat on the crumbling wall of the hillside castle. I turned to be faced with his smiling face. He kissed me sweetly, I felt my self-sink into him – I couldn’t help myself, he was so… gravitating. “Hey back.” I said - my eyes still closed. He laughed and put his arm around my waist as we wondered though the random boulders scattered in what would a have been, I guessed a ballroom or something.
“Ok, I’ve got a question.” I said as we lay on the snow-covered wall,
“Shoot,” he said turning to face me; he put an arm over me so that we were embracing rather than lying side by side.
“Do you wish your dad hadn’t moved you and your mum to Ireland? The truth.”

“Yes.” His answer hurt, I know that it probably would have, but I couldn’t help the pain that the word brought, I bit my lip. “Why?” I almost whispered it
“Because then mom wouldn’t have died. But then, I would never have met you if he hadn’t.”

I nodded, but didn’t look at him, his eyes were boring into my head, but I couldn’t look at him, even if I wanted to. It was a cover up; we both knew that.
“Look at me Cira.” I shook my head. My eyes stung so I squeezed them shut to stop the tears, I was crying more and more as I got older, surely it should have been the other way round. “Cira, you know how close I was with my mum, but if her dying means that I never meet you, then so be it, you’re my everything Cira, I don’t ever want to let you go.” He tipped up my chin to that I would be looking at him... if my eyes were open, and because they weren’t I didn’t see it coming. His lips pressed to mine, at first carefully, but I didn’t react, so he got stronger, forcing my lips open, his hot breath filled my lungs. It shocked me, the power of it - the burning passion. His tongue was in my mouth, and mine in his before I knew it. He had rolled onto his back pulling me with him I was sat on top of him. I could feel him, and I wanted this – he was the right one. There was a feeling at the pit of my stomach praying for it. His hands were on my hips, grinding against his. They went higher up my body, under my t-shirt where I felt their roughness tickle my ribs. They reached the wire in my bra; he stroked the skin with his thumbs underneath it, i could feel his temptation to slip underneath it - I moaned in anticipation. Then he stopped. And I remembered where we were. I pulled away, only to hear the crunching of gravel; people were walking up the pathway leading to us. I got off of him and sat on another wall just in time for the old couple to walk into view and walk over to the other side of the castle. Then I stood, glancing over at him I whispered, “Don’t do that again.” My voice wouldn’t have been audible without the echo of the still standing walls, so he’d heard. Then I began to walk quickly down the hill back to my bike. I had class soon, and I was desperate for a shower. By the time he had got there my leather jacket was done up and my helmet was on, I lipped the key and the engine rumbled, I saw his look. Like the first time I saw him his hair flopped in his face and his eyes, were sad, my heart thumped, but I was still embarrassed at the way I had reacted, so I released the clutch and flew.

By the time I got home and after I had showered, there was five answer machine messages, guess who from - “Cira, if your home, please pick up, I’m sorry. Coop’.”

“Pick up Cira, I know your there, I’m sorry, you know I am. Please.”

“Cira! What do you want me to do? Huh? Because I’m fresh out of ideas to please you.” His voice was getting angrier.
“Pick the fuck up Cira. We need to talk.”

The last one made me wince; I hadn’t heard him that pissed before. I rubbed my hair with the towel and changed. I was going to be late for college at this rate. Was there really any point in me going in? Grabbing my keys and pulling up my hair I yanked the door open. My helmet sat on my bike. But so did Coop’. He looked up at me and I walked over to him. He stood. I ran into his arm. “Hey,” he said, “my girlfriends being a bitch.”

“That’s because she’s scared, have some respect.”
“Why though, I’m not scary?”
“No, but she doesn’t want to mess up, she’s been waiting for you for a while.”
"Then god I should be scared too. Jesus! I'm sorry." He hugged me tighter and kissed my neck nuzzling my hair - stroking his hands down my spine.

There was a loud beep behind us and we let go. It was John.  
"Shouldn't you two be in college?" Yeah, we should have. I could almost hear the smirk, even though it didn't show on his face "Come on, if your quick, I'll give you a lift."

"I'm going to skip today." I called out, "I still feel funny." I didn't move my eyes from Cooper. He squeezed me saying, "Me too, maybe caught something." he leaned closer and put his lips over mine.
"It is true, you guys may have been transferring germs in your new found interest." I felt Coop's lips curve against mine. I couldn't help it though - I pulled away. Scooping up snow, I cupped it into a ball and aimed - smacking John directly in the mouth. He gasped and bent down. Anticipating his move, I moved my self behind Cooper. But John had good aim; it hit Coop in the chest. Right where my face would have been if I hadn't moved. We fought in the snow - all of us against each other, until Pa came home – ordering us inside before we all came down with cold. I ran up to my room, and turned on the shower nice and hot. Turning to see Coop’ stood in my bathroom dripping wet - his hair sticking up sexily in every direction.

“What?” I giggled, slightly uncomfortable. I seemed to ache for him – desiring to be wrapped warm in those arms – STOP! How was I able to be this obsessed?
“Can I get some of that?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Some of what?” I asked, teasingly - easing myself into his body. He smiled down at me; we kissed, his hands gripping my backside. I tangled my fingers in his hair. Every moment was so, hot with him - he hoisted me higher. There was a burning feeling in my belly, then a knock at my door and a deep voice, clearing their throat.
“C’mon, Coop’ you can use Gerry’s bathroom while dad dries your clothes.” John said from the doorway. Leaving the room Coop’s sent me a grin and a wink.
Under the hot beat of the shower I thought about the day with Coop’, it had been such a long one. I never wanted it to end. I had no idea, did I?

Styling Sunday!!

2010-10-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

Yay! We're on time! So, as you know, or not... That I wasn't feeling all myself last week, but to be honest, I think I'm cured! Its amazing what a few days can do to you. I'm so grateful for this half term. Plus it has been really good! I haven't had to look after my little brother at all either! Which has meant that I could do whatever I wanted! Woo! So I indeed have spent my whole week with friends!

On Friday I did like a come dine with me type thing, which I will blog about later on, i have lots of lovely pictures for you guys. But I had a really good night! Found out some sad things, but hopefully I will be there for her like she has for me.

Okay, enough blab, here we go for Monday, my only day home alone!!

I got hanged after... not long :) i got cold, but couldn't find the picture :)

Jumper dress = New Look

Belt = umm?

Tights = Sainsbury's

It was raining on Tuesday and I woke up late, when i got back, it didn't seem worth it to take a picture by the time I got back, so... onward to Wednesday!

First shot!

Second Shot!

I kinda liked this outfit, It was comfy and i felt really.... Well feminine.

Tights = Sainsbury's

Skirt = Primark

Vest = ..... ?

Cardigan = New Look

Woke up later again on thursday, and shoved on what was on the floor, turned out I was wearing a massive hoody all day anyway :)

Friday Morn!

I was cleaning, WOO!!

Jeans = New Look

T-shirt = Dad's from Australia

And then on friday night for my party, I'm so cool!

First Shot

And Second

You cant see them but i was wearing black tights from the faithful Sainsbury's... again

Dress = Asos

T-shirt = Primark

Saturday, a long day, I went for a pretty and comfy combo

Tights = ... cant you guess? Sainsbury's

Skirt = Primark

Tank = New Look

Cardigan = New Look

Today = Coursework day, I really should get doing some, its half two already, or is it half 1? I really don't know, why do clocks have to go back?!

Jeans = Matalain

Top = Primark

Cardigan = H&M

Thanks for reading :), will blog some more after my English Coursework is done :D

Peace out Georgie xx

P.S HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Styling Sunday!!

2010-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, yeah, I changed the name of my feature, I'm so indecisive, but with this i can be! But i am on time, for a change! And i have lots of pictures for you this weekend! But before i let to take a sneak peak, let me chat, you can skip it if you want, but it helps to write things down.

You have no idea how wicked sweet it feels to know that i don't have to go to school tomorrow. I feel all this pressure lifted knowing that i don't have to remember anything of a week, i know its not that long and the pressure will come back, but well, never mind. But on Friday after school i hugged my friend and wanted to cry, he was meant to be walking home with his "girlfriend-to-be" but he walked me to my brothers school instead where my mum was waiting, i felt so bad but he said, and rightly so, i needed someone, and right now, he was going to be that someone. When i saw my mum she basically said i looked like shit, which was also rightly so. But I'm feeling kinda better today. I just need a break.

Anyway, here is fro my Friday night, wanting to not look like crap!

First Shot

Second shot

Tights = Sainsbury's

Dress = hand-me-down or H&M maybe...

Tank = Matalain

On the Saturday spent with father to come home again, in time to baby sit!

First Shot

Second Shot

Jeans = New Look

Shirt = H&M

T-shirt = NEW YORK

Of to church for the christening, if you think i look ridged its because i was, i hate going to religious meets, i don't know what to believe in God. Is a big religious, ethical issue. Don't i sound clever!

Anyway. First Shot for Sunday,

Second Shot!

Tights = sister

Dress = New look, major sale find!

Jacket = New Look (not leather)

And after the christening as I was/am freezing!

Jeans = Matalain

Tank = New Look

Cardigan = New Look

And here's just an add on, look at the "beautiful" face !!

Peace out Georgie xx

Happy Autumn!

Theres a difference

2010-10-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

There is one most common difference between people and that is themselves everyone is different, no matter how similar, in looks, personality. Whatever. I know it doesn't make sense. But then neither does everyday of our lives. Or so it seems.
Theres a difference between unhappiness and sadness. Isn't there? Not one you can explain, but there is something that makes you say one rather than the other. Surely then that means there is a difference. No, its not obvious, and its probably not as complicated as i'm trying to make it, but why have two words that mean the same thing? Is there a point?

Is there a difference between love and hate? No, you have to love someone to wake up and hate them, else you would be indifferent, why would you care if you didn't? So, you have to love to hate. Right? Then, if thats true, how do you make that feeling go away, be it love, or hate, can you just pile it all away, like unwanted clothes, or toys and put it in storage. Let the dust of age settle, but then one day, surely the dust would be disturbed, and so would the emotion, then you have to go through the whole process again.
So what do you do? How do you set it free? It wont fly away, its like a leech and wants to suck that love away, and keep all the hate inside you.

Alone. What is it to be alone? Is it just a feeling of not having everything in its place inside you, or is it actually being by yourself? Or is it both? I had a day at school today where we were supposed to be doing work that we hadn't finished yet. I wasn't with anyone that i knew, and it bothered me that, it effected me, how much work i did. Then i came, home, i had a headache and i was in a bad mood, and the night just got crappy, and i lay on my bed, not wanting to eat because it was lamb, and i don't eat lamb, and because i wanted to cry, and i still do, but it wont come out, and i keep praying that the lump in my throat can be swallowed, but its not having it. Then my mum came up and i could have cried to her, but i know that she hates it when i cry. And i felt so terrible because i told her that i felt alone, and that sometimes i didn't feel like part of the family. And now i realizing that i am the only one left. My sister is gone, moved out and i haven't spoken to her for about a month properly, and i miss her very much. My little brother is 7 and I'm going to be 16 in February. I'm the only Radford in our house. I'm lonely. And i don't like it. I don't know who to talk to. And because Lauren, your not here, i need you the most. Oh dear... here comes the chin wobble. I hadn't really realized how much i missed you, i guess i hadn't thought about it until now. Who do you talk to when your feeling low? I don't want to talk to my friends because i know that they already have enough on their plate with out me adding to the mash, and i don't want to talk to my mum because i know she gets upset when i do, and i don't want that. Should i talk to a teacher? Thats not me though. Why would i talk to someone i barely know about my problems?

I'm not having any epiphany's no sparks of realizations of what to do. Damn it. No idea's. I need fresh air. I'm going to the beach next, week, and i know what your thinking, yeah, its bloody cold. But i love the sea, and i cant go up to the woods, so the beach it be.

Advice, i was talking to a friend the other day, telling her not to let people treat her like crap, because they do, and she goes on and lets them. Like she likes it or something, and then she said that she had been saying the same thing to someone else, and then i thought. How often do people give advice they wouldn't follow? I couldn't think of anything for example, but i would hate to take advice i know the person giving it doesn't, or wouldn't follow.

What would you do? Who would you talk too? Who do you trust?

Every one is different, that i know. Theres a difference. But which do you choose?

Peace out Georgie xx

So, tired.

2010-10-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

As the lion king clearly states, "its the circle of life" everyone has their place, and their place must be stuck too, or like with Mufasa's death, bad things happen. But anyway, what has that got to do with anything?
I guess the point i was trying to get to was that, people are born into a family and how they raise you, ultimately determines how you act, what you believe is right and wrong, etcetera. Some people better themselves and others, really don't. But i was thinking, as you do, and i wondered, what will i become? Will i better myself? And if i do, in what way? But the future is along time.

I'm a little down, to be perfectly honest at the moment, and i'm not quite sure why. I don't know whether it's just because I'm a baby and i cant deal with the everyday things or whether its because I'm just tiered, not something a good nights sleep will cure either. But I don't want to talk about it to anyone, I don't want people to think that i'm trying to get attention, so, i'm just going to try to act as normal as possible, I don't want or need people to do whatever. So, i will just keep fighting, staying unnoticed is pretty much priority. And i know how that sounds, not good, its just i know that lots of people are going through worse and dealing so much better. Which is actually really annoying.

I feel like i have so much to do, and no time to do it in. I guess that next week will help though, breaks normally do, i guess. Plus, i have a private study day tomorrow, so hopefully i will get the majority of my work done. So i don't have too much for the holiday. I think that even though i have been working my ass off for the last couple of day's, i have been thinking too much, i cant sleep because my mind is still whirring like a machine. Once i'm asleep, yeah i'm fine but, it takes me about two hours to get to sleep, which means i'm only getting like 6 hours of sleep, not enough, not for me anyway. I wish I could deal with things better, i want to be able to just be all fine. I don't want to seem like i want or need attention, and yeah i know i already said that. It's just true.

Some quotes from me to you :

- Sometimes the best things in the world are the ones that you cant have, and you only appreciate what you have when its gone. its the vicious circle of life that cant be escaped. You live and live and do the same things, but do you ever realize that some things that you are doing, you wont ever do again? and maybe, just maybe you should love whats there and stop waiting for the next thing around the corner

- Life is like a merry-go-round you spin and you spin, things happen but you keep spinning. then you will see a blur, a person? That person will take you off the roundabout show you something new, and then they will plonk you back and you have to spin around till the next person comes along. And eventually you'll find that person that doesn't want to put you back and thats the person that matters.

Life doesn't just begin and then end, you have those bits in the middle that make your life what it is, and i cant complain. Can i?

Maybe i will feel fine after the holiday, like people have said it has been a very long half term and things should begin to get better now that my dramas over which i still need to post on, oops a little bit late now, i don't know, i just need to focus.

But hey wont bore you anymore with my moaning.

Hope everything is cool with you guys.

Peace out, Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!

2010-10-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

And we are on time! For once.

So this weekend I thought I was doing loads, turns out that, that busy time is next weekend which makes it all the more busy because I'm supposed to be at my dads. Never mind, I'm sure it will be fine.
So all I have planned is meeting my friend so she can get her nose pierced! Scary huh? I don't eve have the guts to get my belly-button done! But, hopefully i will be able to drag my mum up town so i can just get it done! Ahh! Scary.

I'm still not totally organised at the moment, and my mind is a little jumbled, I don't know whether that's because I'm not stress material, or whether its because I'm just freaking lazy. Which will probably be the one. Thing is i know that i need to do the work I just put it off and put it off until i can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing anyway. Which is really retarded, but just the way i role. It must change.
Plus, I have this day coming up and i have to focus on raising my grades in it, pretty much everyone has their day planned out for them, except-or so it feels-me. I know that its not. But i don't know what to do, I only have a minimum of 100 minutes on a computer, which means i can only spend that long doing science, because i do coursework only, i need computer access, its annoying and gay. But what can you do, it means that i will spend most of the day revising for maths. All in good fun!

Anyway, quite my jibber-jabber!

Here is a little slice of Saturday for you!!

Necklace = handmade by someone's daughter

Shirt = H&M

Tank = New Look

Belt = Primark

Skirt = Primark

Tights = Sainsburys?

Shoes = New Look

And Today ... I was ill.

I didn't get up until one and i haven't showered or even changed, i know I'm massively and i don't care! If you could have you wouldn't, so I'm not going to show you what i look like, because to be perfectly honest, i look like shit!

But anyway. I'm not going to try to find some nice clothes to make myself feel depressive about, but I'm just going to say that next week i will have extra pictures for you as there is some special occasions coming up, sorry for being an absolute fail of a blogger, I'll make it up to you ... someday.

Peace out, Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!

2010-10-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

I don't really have any pictures for you this week I have been at my dads all weekend and he doesn't have a full length mirror, so i couldn't get any done for you, i have a few on my step dads camera, (mine is broked) and i cant find his lead. Damn!! So i think I'm going to just have to leave you with a picture of some things i want from mod cloth, that i still cant afford. One, because it's too expensive and i don't have a job (got to admit that i haven't tried all that hard) Two, because its Christmas soon, and three because I'm saving for a Macbook !!!

How cute is that?!

I know its kinda weird, but i love it !!!!

plus with these immense shoes would be awesome :D

I am aware that I havent blogged properly in a while so i will soon, i just need to sort myself out a bit, again :)

p.s it 10 pm 10/10/10!!! ahhh, make a wish!!!

Peace out, Georgie xx

p.p.s I'm sorry its late.... again, sorry, i actually thought that i posted this... obviously not : / xxx

Styling Sunday!... late :(

2010-10-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ok i know I'm rubbish. I'm real sorry, Sunday night just went in a blur, and no, i did nothing. Then it got to like 10 pm and i was just in bed, reading, not wanting to move. Then on Monday night my blog wasn't uploading images. Please forgive me :(

anyway the outfits aren't at all interesting having been doing nothing this weekend, so enjoy.

For the Saturday :)

First shot

Legging's = Primark

high waist skirt = H&M

T-Shirt = Primark

Sleeveless Cardigan = H&M

And on the Sunday,

Joggers = Primark

Vest = ummm.... maybe somewhere?

Shirt = Primark Men's

My comfy clothes due to plans of nothing :)

Dear Modcloth,

Why do you torture me with your amazing style, make me fall in love with all of your dresses, shoes, tops and bottoms and then tell me that the prices are way beyond my price range. Do you enjoy my pain, how could you do this to me. Why dont you want me to look amazing?

Peace out, Georgie xx

Time

2010-10-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

"Don't fight the river."

Tonight I had a pretty random conversation with my step dad and as when we do have in depth conversations, he was pissed. But we were talking, well he was, i was talking but he wasn't listening. Anyway, we got to talking about me wanting to travel the world, and i was thinking, that by the time i leave college people are going to be going to university and it will be a lot harder to get a job without a degree. Therefore i must assume that I am going to need a degree to get into the writing trade, especially with the amount of competition in the trade anyway. Damn it, why did i have to get myself involved with the competitive trade.
This thought led on to me thinking about traveling. How the hell am i supposed to be able to afford to go to Uni and travel. I need to be able to get a good job.

Which leads me back to my first point, i need to do good. With gcse's, a levels, and if i go to uni getting a good degree.

Life is about choices, and making those choices is hard. And there are many of them. Do i start saving to travel now, or do i work harder closer to the time? Do i work my ass off for the next couple of years, or do i take out a loan? When do i travel? After Uni? Before? During? I'm so confused i cant think.
So, i have decided, just to not think. I have got enough on my mind at the moment than to worry about what i am going to be doing in 4 to 5 years time.
Let me just get through this this year first, then maybe i will start thinking about other things. I'm going to get a job, or try when i reach 16 anyway, should be a lot easier.

Anyway, i'm thinking about where i actually want to go, because I'm not going to be able to cross every square mile of this planet as much as i would like to, i don't see it happening somehow.

I want to;
- ride over the great wall of China on a motor bike.
- shop in New York
- watch gashias dance in japan
- see the beauty of Ireland
- eat coconut in the Caribbean,
- party all night in Ibiza
- walk over New Zealand's mountains and volcanoes,
- stand and watch as Kangaroos jump around in Australia
...
I know that is not much as yet, but i plan to add to this list. I'm going to stop now, because i'm going to watch the end of this lovely and action packed film and chill. Because tomorrow, i need to write up my drama coursework. All in good fun.

Peace out, Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!!

2010-09-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, i remembered, ok so, i have had drama rehearsals all weekend, but strangely it hasn't been hell. The performance is on Tuesday, I'm real nervous, my dad is coming, and i really want to impress him, but today was our last chance, and i messed up, :/ i came on late all the time, i never do that. Which is pretty gutting. But hey I'm sure I'll be fine.
Anyway, here we go.

Saturday morning :)

On my way to school, it was comfortable and easy to change out of since i had to change into costume, once i got there.

Black t-shirt = Primark

Shirt = Primark - men's section.

Jeans = New Look

So i got home on Saturday night and just felt really manly, so i decided to get changed into my new skirt, and yes i even shaved my leggys for this picture. Your soo lucky.

White shirt = H&M

White vest = H&M

Skirt = Primark sale!!! £1

Sunday before and after drama rehearsals.

White shirt = H&M

Black t-shirt = Primark

Belt = Primark

Skirt = Primark

Tights = umm????

Sorry if this seems a little rushed, and if it doesn't well, that's ok then :)

Peace out, Georgie xx

P.S i will try to get a picture of my man looks for next Sunday :)

Short Story - my dream - part two

2010-09-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

We were friends from that day forward, only to get closer the next.

We moved through primary school together. And began high school. We had our first fall out during year 10.

I will still shy, I wouldn't let myself get close to others; sure, I had made other friends that was what life was about. Making friends, learning new things, growing older. I had never had a boyfriend, it never occurred to me why, but I didn't. And I didn't want one either. I knew that Coop had had many girls, and would have many more, but it wasn't until we were fifteen that it had gotten in the way of our friendship. The girl he was dating was called Zoe; she had come over from Canada. "Her accent was sexy" or so I was told. By more than Coop. The pair connected instantly, before she new him at all. I guessed it was his looks. Even then he was handsome. His shaggy blonde hair still flicked and his green eyes still sparkled. His looks were all that mattered. To them anyway.

I waved goodbye to Shannon as she walked down her street and began to head for home. I put my headphones in and turned up Puddle of Mudd as loud as I could stand. I walked quickly, but I would still be walking for about half an hour, everyone was working though, so I had to walk. I hadn't got through the second song before a big shining black discovery pulled up just in front of the road I was about to cross. The window was wound down and my uncle was lent over the passenger seat.

"Need a ride baby?" he grinned, I grinned back and opened the door. "How was your day?" he asked pulling away. Since it hadn’t been a good one, I shrugged, he new what that meant. "That bad huh?" I shrugged again and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Don't worry baby, I know your worried about Cooper being surrounded by all these girls, but you'll always be friends, nothing can break your bond. Its a damn strong one you got." I looked at him. "Yeah, I can read you like a book." I sighed.

"I know I should listen to you, but its hard, sometimes I just feel so ignored. It's upsetting. Plus his new girlfriends a bitch."

"Is that so? How do you know that?"

"She talks about me behind me back." I stated

"Bitch." he agreed turning on to the long dirt drive that led to our house. "Does Cooper know?"

"Probably." I felt my uncles eyes on my face, but I didn't look back at him, I didn't want to see the sympathy in his eyes that I knew would be there, or the comforting smile he would send me. I wasn't in the mood for it. We reached the big stone house to see both Gerry's and John's car parked outside. I opened the door and hopped out, throwing my bag over of my shoulder. My uncle grabbed my hand as I began to walk up the steps onto the porch.

"Baby, I know this has got you down at the moment, and I know that having only guys to talk to at home doesn't really help, but the boys and I, will always be here for you. Right?" I hugged him, it was my way of saying thank you, and he had known that. Then the door opened and Gerry's deep voice broke the calm silence.

"Everything ok?" he asked, we said nothing, and I simply let go of my uncle and went into his arms. "Hey to you to. You ok baby?" I nodded against his chest. I knew that my uncle would give him the look saying, "Cooper." They could think what they wanted. I was not in love with Cooper Hayes.

"Hey, what's going on out here?" John asked, "Is it my turn yet?" he asked smirking as I looked up. I gave him a long hug. I was the baby, and always will be. John was already 20, and Gerry 23. They looked after me. It was there "job." too. What kind of big brothers would they be if they didn’t? Then I grabbed my bag from the floor and ran upstairs to change.

"You know, we could do something about your little problem if you just said the word baby." Gerry said as I cleared the plates from dinner.
“What problem is that Gerr’?” I asked putting the plates one by one in the dishwasher.
“Your boy problem baby.” He said, I heard the tension in his voice he didn’t want to upset me but what he said, hurt.

I sighed and my hand hovered over the last plate “Shut – up you doob!” John whispered urgently punching his brother in the arm. I picked up the last plate and straightened.

“I don’t have a problem with boys Gerry, they have the problem with me.”

“I don’t see what they have the problem with? Do you Da’?” he asked, my uncle stood, looked me in the eyes, lifted up a piece of my hair, dropped it again, and looked in my ear. “Nothing wrong here.” He stated.

I shook my head and saying “I have to study” left the large kitchen diner.

I didn't study; I didn't even open my books. Sure, I sat down and looked at the covers for a while, but couldn't concentrate. I was so tired, not just physically, but mentally too. And Cooper's green eyes kept boring into my mind. Damn it! Why did I have to be in love my best friend? I stood; at least I had made progress I thought as I sat on my window seat. I had never been able to admit it before. I wouldn't let myself cry, that wasn't my way, and I would just sulk, and stew. I would not cry over a boy, even if I had loved that boy since I had first seen his mopped blonde hair hanging from his head. There was a knock on my door, I didn't answer, but my uncle came in anyway. He said nothing, only sat behind me and pulled me into his arms, like he had when I was young. He kissed my head, and I cried in his arms. "Why?" I cried

"Because baby" he had no other answer and said only that why was the question I would be asking forever and would rarely find the answer too.

"Thank you pa'" I whispered, I had never called him that before. In answer he pressed his cheek against my head, and I heard him sniff, he was crying too. We sat together crying until I straightened, that was enough, no more silly tears. They wouldn't help me.

"Feeling better Cira?" he asked, it was odd him calling me by my real name instead of baby, I was just so used to it. It felt kind of, nice, but strange at the same time.

"No," I admitted, crying always made me feel worse; there was no way to hide from tears.

I couldn't sleep that night and was ready for school at 7 am. At 8 John knocked on my door asking me if I was ready to go, since I was I nodded and stood, and we walked down to his car. Gerry stood in my way as I reached the front door though. I sighed and looked up into his deep blue eyes. "Yes?" I asked impatiently, don't be too hard on him I told myself, it wasn't his fault, normally you wouldn't have minded. I sighed again "What’s up Gerry?" I smiled,

"I'm real sorry I upset you last night Ci', you know I didn't mean too, don't ya?"

"Course I do, baby." I winked and then squeezed past.

I sat in John's car as I watched him stare angrily at Gerry. Then he slid into the silver Audi and turned the key to start it. "Not long till you can learn to drive now," he said turning the car around.

I shrugged, "What Gerry do?"

"Be Gerry." he shrugged back; I jumped around in my seat as we drove over the bumpy dirt road. I didn't think I would get a better answer than that, if he wanted to tell me what was bugging him then he would, in his own time, i didn't see the point in pushing him for it. Because, in our family, your thoughts were all you had that was your own.

I looked out of the window and up at the old ruins of a once mighty castle and again thought what it would have been like to live there, and why it was now crumbled to the ground.

"You're our Princess Cira." John put his hand at the base of my neck, his hands were hard and rough, a mans hands, rather than those of some of the boys in school, hands that had never done any work but writing, hands that hadn't felt the weight of a tool for more than a second.

"Are you working at the forge today?" I asked still looking out my window.

"Yep." I heard the smile on his face, and knew that he loved it there.

"Good." we came off the big road about a mile left until school, I needed air, all of a sudden I thought I was going to suffocate, "stop." I wheezed.

"Baby?" John’s hand was back on my neck, but he couldn't take his eyes off the road for more than a second, he didn't stop.

"Stop the car!" I gasped, he pulled over and I wrenched open the door. I was doubled over, trying to catch my breath. I gasping in the cold air Johns door slammed. His face was inches away from mine, his lips were moving, but I couldn't hear. I felt myself frowning, then running footsteps, then John shouting my name, and another voice. Who was it? Then everything went black.

"Ci', hey, can you hear me sweetie, open your eyes honey, come on, do it for me?" the voice spoke to me, "Coop'?" my voice was hoarse, I was on the floor, or, my legs were, but my body was cradled in someone’s arms who's? I didn't know; my eyes hadn't opened enough yet. When they did they were met with Coop's sparkling green ones, but where was..."John?"

"I'm right here baby." he was holding my hand and squeezed it. Then there was a screech of tires, and my uncle’s voice, shouting my name. I looked up at John, knowing full well that he had called him.

"You should have known better." I shook my head and slowly tried to sit up.

"Baby, are you ok? Oh, my sweet darling, what happened?" he murmured, stroking my hair, my face, my arms. Cooper's hand was still on the small of my back, for support? I thought about answering my uncle, but honestly, I didn't know what to say. I was lost for any answer, the last thing I remember was feeling like I was going to suffocate and wondering why. "What happened?" My uncle snapped at John

"I-I don't know, she said she needed air and when I stopped she got out and collapsed." He sounded afraid, thinking that it was his fault I assumed.

"Don't snap at John, he didn't do anything." I said hugging uncle Pat, his arms came around me and he pressed his lips to my head, I breathed deeply, his scent calming me.

"If it wasn't for Cooper here, I don't know what i'd've done."

That was when my uncle looked up and noticed Cooper sitting behind me, stabling me on the cold concrete. There, having been asked, Coop' explained that he had just left his house to begin for school when he heard someone shouting, it wasn't until he got closer that he realized it was John, shouting my name, after that he just ran and began, soothingly, talking to me to try to bring me back.

"Cira."

"Patrick." I replied to my uncle’s sharp tone,

"You just passed out, you are not going to school."

I sighed, bored of the same conversation, again. "Dad, listen, I have just started half way through year 10, my GCSE's start in minimum two months, I can't miss a day just because of a little incident, I’m fine now aren't I? If John hadn't called you, you would never have known." he huffed, he knew I was right.

"Fine, but if you feel the slightest bit funny, I want you to call me and I will take you home, understood?"

"Yes sir." I replied.

"We'll give you a lift, both of you, your running a bit behind." he said, steering both Cooper and I over to the four by four, John had already gone, pushing him into his car not wanting him to be late for work, since he loved it so much, he left me no choice. With my uncles crazily dangerous driving we reached school just as the bell rang for first period.

"What's going on Cira?"

"With what?" I asked innocently at Cooper's angry tone.

“Don’t play with me Cira, you can’t brush me off like you did your Uncle.” Saying this he grabbed my arm, and I felt a large lump climb into my throat and a heavy rock drop in my belly. My eyes stung.

"I didn’t brush him off, but you seem to be able to brush me off pretty easy, get in touch when Coop’ comes back.” I walked away. I felt his eyes on my back, long after I had turned a corner. I wanted to scream in pain as my heart beat in my head. My stomach had dropped.

I went through almost the whole day without seeing him again, and i felt my happiness drain away, after school i saw him again, with Zoe. We didn't talk for the rest of that week, I saw him looking at me as I walked past sometimes and sometimes I would look right back, but it wasn't until the Friday after that we spoke again.

Zoe threw things at the back of my head all through our English lesson, bits of paper flew out of my thick dark curly hair as I flipped around to glare at her, to which she giggled. I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue. I couldn't take her anymore! She was going to drive me insane! She did it again, "What Zoe? What do you want?" I asked angrily, she blinked 'blankly' at me. "Nothing, why?" I wanted to snap and snarl, but I couldn't. I knew that she would tell Coop' and however angry I was with him, I couldn't sink to her level and give her an excuse to bitch about me.

It wasn't until after school that the names came. "Hey Cira-N where did you get the scar?" she shouted across the field, "Just ignore her sweet." Shannon smiled at me, passing me the pen she had borrowed for last lesson.

"Hey what’s that? The knife you used to make that scar?" her voice was getting closer, but I just kept walking. Then I saw stars as someone yanked my hair. I screamed in pain, then my back hit the wall, a large guy in the year above was holding me there, I knew he was a stoner, I could smell the weed on his breath, he was high. And he was strong. "Stay away from Cooper, he is mine, am I making myself clear?" Zoe snarled from behind him, and the large guy grabbed my hair, and tugged it again, I bit my lip, not wanting it to tremble with the pain. "AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?" she shouted and the guy backhanded my face. I eeked, but I wouldn't give them the pleasure of tears. My lip was bleeding, but he hit me again. Then I heard a shout, and the crack of knuckles, I couldn't see, my vision had gone black, I sunk to the floor, and I heard the shouting again "Get away from her Zoe, I swear to god if I ever see you touch her again..." then everything was black.

Green was flashing past me and I could her low voices, the rumble of a car engine.

Then there was a bluey green, photo frames hung on the walls with pictures of me and Cooper, John, Gerry and I, my uncle. I was in my room tucked into my bed, how had I got here? I blinked a few times, trying to get my eyes to focus. Something squeezed my hand. I looked over, there in my desk chair sat Cooper, his eyes were red and sad. "Oh God Cira, I’m so sorry." his chin trembled; I sat and cradled his head as he cried. "I always promised to look after you but I didn't if I hadn't... with Zoe... none of this would of happened. I'm so sorry,” he cried. I said nothing, only sat there rocking him. And all I could think was that he was here, and it was him that had saved me. Standing up he sat on my bed and cradled me. We sat there for a long time until my uncle knocked on the door and came in with his ill pancakes; ones he would always make if one of us was bed confined, but didn’t have a stomach bug. I hugged him tightly and apologized for scaring him. He kissed my head and told me not to apologize. Then he left us, saying he had to pick up Gerry, he had left him at the cinema to pick Coop' and I up. When he went I hugged Coop' and a tear fell landing with a plod, on his t-shirt. "Hey," he soothed, wiping the tear that had popped up to replace the one that just fell, away. "What is it?" I sniffed, "Nothing," I sobbed "I guess I'm just still in shock." he nodded, and pulled me down to the bed again. I wasn't still in shock, I was just hopelessly falling in love with him, each time I thought I had stopped falling, I would find that actually, I hadn't and their was still further to fall. And him being here, had just made this pain worse, but the pain was worth the comfort.

************

And that is part two finished, finally, im sorry it has taken soo long :(, i'll make it up to you by getting part three done as soon as i can. xxxx

Bring it to your attention.

2010-09-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life you will find yourself face to face with a certain situation that will make you, scared, angry or upset, or maybe a combination of the three. It will come when you least expect it and you will react without thinking, you won't focus on anything but the situation. You will make decisions without considering what the consequence might be, and you wont think about how the situation effected you until the other person involved is in safe hands. I haven't been that afraid for as long long as i can remember.

Shock is something that i don't remember the feeling of, and i am sat there with you in my arms, not knowing what to do but hold you and not knowing what else to say, telling you that I've got you. I was so afraid, but all i could think was to get you out of that room whilst your tears fell on my arm.
For the rest of the day i was worrying, wondering where you were if you ok, of course you were but you cant help but worry.

Its strange, that were talking about people collapsing on other people just that morning, ironic or what. This isn't going to be a long blog because there isn't that much to say only that, friends often say that they would catch you when you fall but they never really figure it literally so when they do its really kind of scary. i never thought that anything like that would happen to.

I didn't want you to know but someone already blurted it out. I didn't want to cry, but if i did i didn't want anyone to see, i am embarrassed that she saw. But you smiled and you said sorry, how are you so strong ? I don't understand, why cant i be that strong?

I'm glad that you went to the doctors, it will help.

Jesus, what a day.

And for some reason, love you all the more, how is that possible, that i could love you any more, crazy

Anyway!

Peace out Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!!

2010-09-19T03:31:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm getting myself back in gear and i figured that includes blogging again and spending at least 30 minutes on something I've promised. So Sunday style is back! YAY!
That also means that i have to finish my dream, that may take a little while longer, because of this stupid drama performance that is going to have me have a nervous breakdown. Only a little over a week, by the time i finish blabbing i will have to be there. Yes, on a Sunday!!!!

Ok for the first outfit!

First shot

Cardigan = new look

vest = ??

Jeans = matalan

bag = ripcurl

shoes = converse/schuh

First shot

Cardigan = H&M

T-shirt = Primark

Jeans = Matalan

Necklace = hand-me-down

Outfits i wish i had = Modcloth

Hope you enjoyed, off to drama rehearsal now *sigh*

Peace out Georgie xx

Moving too fast

2010-09-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm sorry to those that are waiting for my story but it still isn't done yet. Things are just moving so fast, but slowly at the same time. I seem to never have enough time. And I'm changing and i hate who I'm becoming, i don't even know who it is, i haven't laughed for ages, and i hate that. I love laughing, but nothings funny anymore. Not like it used to be. And that makes me sad.

School

Last week dragged, i had no time and it was only my first week back at school, it doesn't put a high on things if your first week is like that, my planner is full of coursework due dates, homework, rehearsals, and yeah, i knew that i was going to have to work my ass off but i didn't expect to be so quickly. I also found out that i am now doing my math gcse in January now instead of July, but its everything in one exam, so we have three months to go over everything, I'm sure i will be ok, i just need to get my head down. If not i can always retake it in July, but that will just be the algebra and not everything else too.
Then we have the drama, i have got a big play at in two weeks! only! Ahh! I'm really excited, but nervous too, one of the reasons being we have a lot of big personalities in our class and some of them don't know how to shut the hell up. Which means none of us can concentrate, our teacher, the actors or the people just trying to watch. Yes, i talk, yes i get restless, but come on! Have some respect, honestly.
I don't know maybe I'm just over complicating things, but i just feel like im not going to last the year. I don't know how people juggle so many things, school, school work, work, friends, boyfriends, sports. And yes there are some people who do, i know a few. Maybe i just need to get back into routine, i don't know. Hopefully things will cool down a bit and i will be able to breathe again, Because right now I'm struggling to catch my breath.

One more step and im falling off the mountain
One more pill who cares nobodys counting
They told me to sing it to the birds
Sing it to the birds
Noones listening

People

Bad

So I'm a little bit pissed off, and i don't think I'm grudging but, i am still pissed off about it, and now i feel bloody uncomfortable. Basically, the other day i got ditched, i walk to and from school with three girls from school, one of them is one of my best friend and i love her to pieces, the other two are her best friends, two of the many, which i have no problem with by the way, to be honest i wish i had so many, but my three are good enough for me. But anyway on Friday's Shannon has netball and normally i walk with one of the girls because the other does her course at a different school. But because our time tables have changed she now walks on a Friday, but guess what "they forgot me" its a good thing i talk to other people because i would have been a billy all the way home. And to be honest, it hurt me, and it hurt more when one of them lied to my friend. I thought they were fine with me, but now i realize i was wrong, i know its stupid and i will probably forget about it soon, and maybe its playing on my mind because i'm not feeling myself but, i don't know, i'm going to shut up now because, yeah, its stupid.

Lauren

So, you have finally gone, and i didn't get your room, its still yours, and i stole your cardigan, what? your not going to miss it, you left lots here, all your pictures and your clock, by the way what did you do to it?! its mangled! Yeah, i know your not reading this which is why im going to say i miss you, very much, and i'm sorry we didn't stay for longer to settle you in. I'm sorry i used to shout at you, i'm sorry that we weren't as close as i wanted, but know that i would have told you anything, and i still would, i hope you know that i never have or will tell your secrets. I went in to your room the other day and lay on your bed, i wanted to cry. I love you so much! And i never told you that. Wow! i make it sound like you died! I know that your only an hour away, so i will be down soon, and you can show me around properly. And im going to change the subject so i don't cry. Moving on.

Time is flying, and i dint know where it is going, i feel like its slipping through my fingers, but that is all sad thinking, my time as a little has ended and that is pretty gutting. But now is the time for the good memories, laughing, prom, this year needs to be treasured and made the most of, and my cat is trying to sit on my keyboard so i best give him some loving.

Sorry for my moan but i feel better for it now. That i have actually had the time to do it makes me feel a lot better. Will be sorting myself out soon and i will be bringing back sunday style too, i just need to prioritize and my priority is my grade, unfortunately for those of you who enjoy listening to m moans!

Peace out Georgie xx

Sorry!

2010-09-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm sorry i haven't posted a blog in ages, i am going to write a proper one soon, i promise, and i will finish my story... eventually, and i forgot to do my feature yesterday too, I'm so bummed out i don't know whats wrong, but i don't really have time to be writing this blog because I'm neck deep in drama coursework, this month isn't going to be filled with blogs because there simply isn't enough hours in the day. So i promise i will write a blog soon and sort myself out.... I will! I swear! Soon, i think.

Ok so, as soon as possible! Hey I'm only human.

Peace out Georgie xx

Styling Sunday!!

2010-09-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i know i said i may do a feature called "Saturday style" well i figured that i wasn't wearing enough outfits to not include Sunday, plus i forgot to do it last night. Silly me.

Ok so here a couple of outfits i have been wearing lately.

First shot of first out fit.

Second shot.

Glasses = Primark

Tank top = New look

Shorts = hand-me-downs

Shoes = New look

i didnt like this outfit so much, so you only get one shot

Top = O'neil

Tank = H&M

Shorts = Primark

What i wore today, i kinda like it. Woke up really late and decided to dress nice.

Didn't bother with hair and make up though.

T-shirt, tank and skirt = matalan

necklace = little shop in plymouth

belt = new look

Still working on the second part of my dream, not too long i hope x

Peace out Georgie.

Short Story - my dream - part one

2010-09-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so occasionally i have these dreams and sometimes they're just sort of really weird. But i have a thing about writing them down. I am currently writing one that is becoming like massive, or hopefully. :P but here is my most recent, may have to do it in a couple of parts, because knowing me, i might blab. I'm still playing around with the name so... its just called my dream at the moment. If you have any opinions let me know :)

P.S not for those under the age of 15, as contains, bad language and some "brusque" scenes... yes, my dreams are often strange.

Short story – dream

When I was 8 years old I was sent to live with my uncle. I was young, orphaned and alone. He was a widower with two teenage sons – Gerry and John, lots of money and a big cinema to his name.

My parents died in a car accident 2 years earlier. It was my fault they died, I was in the back seat and was talking, I should have stayed quiet maybe they would still be here if I had. I loved them so much. I had gotten away with a black eye and a deep cut on my left arm. They didn't get away at all.

Before I was shipped off to my uncles I had been living with my grandparents, then my grandfather had a stroke. Plus, I reminded them too much of my father. And for that, they hated me. I was a bad luck charm. My parents had died in my presence and if they weren't careful I would get them killed too. My uncle however, disagreed. To him I was just a little girl who had lost her parents and needed some love. My father’s brother took me in. His sons loved me like a sister and he loved me like his own. I belonged.

When I grew up I never saw anyone else in my family, my grandparents never wanted to see me, and my uncles and aunts didn’t like my uncle’s success. So, my uncle and his sons were all I had, and my friends. And Cooper. He was my best friend. Coop and I had first met when I began schooling just outside Dublin. Back when I first moved in with my uncle.

******

I stood at the door clutching John's hand and angling myself behind him. I felt safe there. John, five years older than me, the younger of my two new brothers, knelt down beside me, "Come on Ci' you gotta go in some time." as he said this, he gave me a one armed hug, pressing his face into my dark curly hair, almost as if he didn’t want me to go in as much as I didn’t. I shook my head as I played with my new blue plaid skirt. "Cira!" he raised his eyebrows at me, and his voice rose, as if to tell me to behave. "No!" I complained, swallowing tears. "Don’t make me John, please,” I cried "I'm scared,” I added in a whisper

"Cira, don’t do this to me baby," the back of his index finger stroked my cheek as a warm tear trickled, "You need to go. So do I, I cant be late for school, do you want me to get into trouble with Da'?" I shook my head. And hugged him so tightly, when I was so small, I felt like I might have squeezed the life out of him. He hugged me back, and I heard a warm voice above us.

"Hi. You must be Cira." I looked up, keeping my ear to John’s chest; I could hear his steady strong heart pumping. The sound kept me calm. I nodded. John stood but kept hold of my small hand. "Are you Mr. O'Connor?" She asked in a confused tone. Why I didn’t know at the time, but john seemed to, which was grand.

"One of them." John replied.

"Ah, are you Mr. Patrick O'Connor?"

"Nope. That’s my Pa, but this is Cira, yep."

"Ah, I see, well welcome to our class Cira, my name is Mrs. Yates, I'm your new teacher." She smiled and her honey hair swished to see where a loud bang from across the class came from. "Cooper Hayes, come here." A boy with blonde shaggy hair that flicked around his face dropped his head and dragged his feet.

"Yeah Ma'am?"

"What is that mess over there?"

"I dunno, not mine." he shrugged

"Don't you lie to me. Sorry Cira, this is Cooper, say hi Cooper."

"Hi Miss Cira."

"Say hi back baby" John said squeezing my hand when I just stared,

"Hi." I said. John leaned down to my level again, "I gotta go baby or I’m goin' to be late, see you later, I’ll pick you up at half three, k?"

"K." I said giving him one last hug. Then he left, walking backwards down the nearly empty corridor; I stayed out there alone for a long time after he was out of sight.

"Um, are you going t’ come in today, are thought you were in our class,” the boy asked me. I looked at him, as if, I suppose, he were an alien. "There ain't no need to be shy, I'm human, and I don’t bite... Hard." he added as he winked at me. I frowned.

"What does that mean?" I asked, winking back at him to show him what I meant.

"My daddy said it was a sign of trust." he replied, indicating that we went back into the classroom.

"Why is your voice funny?" I asked as we walked through the door

"Why is your voice funny?"

"No its not everyone else has the same voice as me, ‘cept you?"

He laughed, "Its coz I'm from Dakota, I'm like a cowboy. Well was." He hung his head. He missed his home.

"I miss home too." I said, placing my hand on his arm. It was the first contact I had made, since my parents had died, with someone that wasn't in my family.

"You don't come from around here?"

"Na, well... a little further away, but still Ireland."

"Oh, yeah. Why did you move?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't wanted." He nodded, as though he understood

"My dad moved on business, my ma missed him too much to stay behind, they like the scenery here too. Stupid fields."

"I don't think you should hate them before you know 'em." I commented, he didn't reply.

"How did you get that scar?" he asked pointing to the scar on my underside of my left forearm. I looked at it. But didn't reply. "You don't have to tell me if you don't wanna." when I was ready, I would tell.

The day flew and soon John was back. He got to the door, but I didn't notice. He leaned against the door with his hands in his pockets smiling.

Cooper tapped me on the shoulder and my dark hair bounced as I looked up. "Your cousin is over there." he grinned. I looked and ran into John’s arms. He laughed as he spun me in a circle, "Looks like you had a good day baby,” he said hugging me still. I nodded. "Good, knew you would, say bye then and we'll get home." Coop stood staring at me, sadness in his eyes.

"Bye Miss Cira." he smiled

"Good bye Cooper."

"Will you be in school tomorrow?" he asked just as I turned to leave, I smiled and nodded and he grinned back and his green eyes sparkled.

We were friends from that day forward, only to get closer the next.

Choices

2010-09-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Every day, we make choices. Choices are something we are given every single day. What we want to wear, where we want to go, who we want to spend it with. But sometimes, don't you just want to ignore the choices, just not make them? I kind of wish that we could just pass over those choices, those tough decisions. But, the choices we want to make, we aren't in control of. Who we fall for, who we fall out with, what we want to do with our lives. Because lets face it, do we really decide what we do with ourselves? Not totally. Not really. I don't mean to say this in a bad way but, in our early years, a lot of decisions are based on our parents. We're friends with people that they would find acceptable. We do the things that they think are ok to do. Because lets face it, if your parents don't agree with something then you grow up not thinking its a good or sensible thing to do.

"In demand i make my mind up in deciding not to care

Stop giving me choices

Stop giving me choices"

The Hoosiers new song. Sometimes you just need choices to go away.

When you fall in love i don't believe that people choose who they fall in love with, i think that it just happens. Maybe?

Man, i don't know what i am talking about.

I guess what I'm thinking is that recently about choices. I went back to school today after the summer for prefect day and i was thinking about what i'm good at and, i don't know. I'm not good at anything. How can i choose what to do in college if I'm not good at anything? How can i choose what career to pursue if i don't know what i'm good at, what i enjoy? I'm not making excuses, i just don't want to waste my own time.You know? I don't want to go to college and take things that aren't going to help me later on in life. I'm so confused!

Theres so many choices to make in such a small amount of time. AHH!!

--ate tea watered plants --

Choice. It's a big big part of our lives. The little ones and the big. And with out them we wouldn't be anywhere. So i guess life is better with them.

Sorry for freaking out a little, i dont know why im posting this but still.

Peace out, Georgiee xx

Falling for fall

2010-08-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, i don't know about you, but i love autumn! There's something about it, maybe its the colours, maybe not. I like the feeling of starting to wrap up warm, and hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet. Mind you, a lot of the fall is spent at school. Which sucks. But still, what we can get, we take. So here's a few gorgeous pictures i found. I wish i lived somewhere that didn't rain so much.

I wish i was better at photography, better yet, i wish my camera wasn't broke, i need a job! But, that isn't what this blog is about. I don't have an eye for it. not like my sister.

Look! Wouldn't it be amazing to live there. Right next to the woods. *Sigh* i don't want to wish my life away. But i have so many plans for my future. All contradicting each other, but hey why not!

I've been thinking recently that i want to be a florist, sure, I'll change my mind tomorrow. But i love flowers, so I'm thinking I'm going to put myself in charge of my mums flowers, see if i can keep them alive, maybe even grow some of my own, you never know.

So there you go, i know there not amazing. Who cares though? So, my next blog is just going to be a lad of blah :). a good catch up, but that will come when i can be bothered to write it.

P.S I have also decided that, I'm going to start doing a "Saturday Style" and you can let me know what you think of my attempts to look good :)

Peace out <3

Well, Shit!

2010-08-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ok i think this s going to have to be a moaning blog, or maybe something with a bit of everything. I haven't quite decided yet. Well we'll soon see.

Ok, so I'm trying to start making more of an effort on my appearance as according to my friend, i am a plain Jane. Gutted. But i know, i think that's why I'm feeling a bit looser ish. Yes! I do love shopping, but, i don't have the money, not if i want to save for next summer in time to get me my well deserved, well i think, Mac book. I know that that is like a year away but its a lot of money and i know this is bad, but i don't have the confidence to get a job. I mean, where do i start looking? Plus, I'm in the shit, i spent £30 ponds in New Look the other day on two tops and i still know that there are two more that i want "/. Yeah, i really like them but, i kinda regret getting them. And, they aren't even that colourful! I really want to look nice, its like my friend keeps saying, i have such a crazy personality and i should let that show through my clothes. Should. I don't know, maybe I'm scared or something. Of coming out of my comfort zone or something "/. Could be anything. So I need clothes. To get clothes, i need money. to get money, i need a job. To get a job i need confidence. To get confidence, god knows! So, I'm trying to find shops on the internet i can order from, that way i can avoid the stress of town and still look with my mummy. Mummy's opinion still counts, even if it is wrong.

And i have this fat bit of English coursework that I'm really struggling with, its really hard. Maybe its because its the summer holidays and i am very unmotivated at the moment, and to be perfectly honest, i cant actually remember how to write anymore. I really need to get it done! GR! Why does everything seem so hard?

And, my sister is leaving in two weeks. And its like shit! She might not ever live at home again. I cant believe she is going, its so unreal. Im going to miss her so much! Even if she does nag ;) but what are sisters for? Sometimes it sinks in, then its like, nah, she's not going anywhere. But she is. And its big. I never really realised she was going, yes, as you get older your brothers, sisters move out. But. It doesn't seem real. Change happens, its a fact of life. But still, aware of this fact but not taking it in, we just wonder through life and then something like this happens, thing is she isn't just moving down the road, and I'm not just going to be able to see her whenever i want. She's going to be an hours drive away. This doesn't feel right.
She has always been there, i know we don't talk that much but... she's my sister and i love her so much. Oh dear I'm welling up... Thing is i don't tell her. In fact i don't think i ever have. But i do. I know its soppy, and we don't do soppy. Im making it sound like she's going to another country. Bad times. I wish we spoke more, but like with everyone else. I don't know what to say...

And i have to go, and stop blabbing on, but hey... if you cant whine on blogger, where can you!?

Inspiration. Motivation. Desperation. Destination.

2010-08-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

Yes. Ok, i know its as cheesy as cheddar, but it came to me in the middle of the night that those four aspects are what a lot of us run our lives by. Aren't they? We think of something "Inspiration", We find the "motivation" to carry out our dreams, we may fail a few times but if we want it bad enough our "Desperation" will fade, then after all of the hard work and as long as you keep trying you will reach your "Destination". And that is the sweetest victory, to reach a goal out of sheer determination and, faith. Wouldn't that be the greatest feeling? I couldn't think of any other. To get somewhere or do something and think "yeah, i did that" and surely your heart could explode.

We start at the place where most things do, at the start. Inspiration. A big thing. I often find myself struggling to find it, even for the smallest things, what shall i write my next blog about? What shall i wear tomorrow? What do i want to see before die? Everything we do is inspired by something else. What do you want to be when you get old? Where do you want to be in ten years? A question i have heard many times? But that isn't what i think that inspiration is about. Isn't it more important to think about tomorrow and the next day before we think about ten years in the future? Isn't the NOW more important? Isn't that why its the present? Because that now really is a gift. Different people get inspiration from different places. They see a beautiful sight. A certain sound. Smell. Voice? They may find it from a piece of text. They find it in the world they live in. Or maybe from the stars. Personally, i don't know. I wish i could but its just something i haven't found yet. Mind you, i haven't lived long enough to know quite yet. I've been in school for ten of my fifteen years. That hasn't given me much time to explore. Or have i been wasting the time i have been given? I don't know, i wonder now, will i ever? Inspiration is all around us. You just have to see and listen, sometimes only looking and hearing just isn't good enough.

Now, here is, where i believe, we reach the hardest part of out journey. Finding the motivation to get up get out there and discover. Isn't it easier to just not bother? To just say, oh never mind, maybe tomorrow? You would think so, wouldn't you? But then, you denying yourself, and that isn't fair, now is it? Especially if it involves someone else, how selfish to deny yourself and someone else. Im not having a go, don't get me wrong, i do it all the time, and i am ashamed. I just don't know where to find the motivation. I mean, what is it? Where does it come from? And how do i get hold of some? Maybe its just a me thing. Hmm, well if it is, i hope that i grow out of it, i think that its partly will power too, which i have none of. I think that's bad, maybe i should put some of my stubbornness into those and maybe it will help, everyone knows i have enough to share. I need a job. So why haven't i got out there and given my details out yet? They aren't going to come and find me! To go out there and meet new people, i love my friends, more than any of them could ever imagine, but it couldn't hurt to find that special someone? Could it? Looking harder may help me to see better. Its time for me to decide what I'm going to do myself. I need to find time to find myself. Find my place of motivation.

Desperation. If the journey is started, sometimes it doesn't turn out quite to plan. In fact, rarely do things in life turn out exactly turn out how we want them too, but that doesn't mean that we have to just give up and move on to the challenge. Will you ever finish that one? I don't understand how someone can begin a journey, have the end in their sight just to give up because something doesn't quite work out how they wanted it too. Sometimes all you need to do is add on one simple factor. You wouldn't eat half a slice of cake and then chuck the rest away because you got bored of it! Why do the same to something that has cause more effort and hard work. Why just waste that time. Sometimes a slight twist can make things seem better and then all that work would be worth it again. If you fail you need to get back up again. Peeling your self up off of that road could be your turning point. Picking yourself up and brushing away the road dust could be that last stage. Where you see the glimpse of that shiny city over the hill. You shouldn't wait for the traffic behind you to take over, so see if your ok. Relying on yourself is the way it needs to be, its your dream, no one will carry you there. You need to do it. Else you wouldn't feel half the satisfaction you would if you did all the work your self.

Destination. You reach your place. They thing that you shed tears over. And that feeling. Wow. Your journey is done. The pain finished. All parts completed. Breathe in the air you deserve. Feel that blow over. Move on. But never forget. You completed a challenge. Take it with you wherever you go. Take the memory with you and use it. You accomplished something you worked for. And for not giving up. You deserve the world.

It may be a mad one, but its yours.

Cherish it. Love it. Use it.

4 Bottom Pictures from Elle Art I

A picture i found that i liked

2010-08-18T14:29:00.001-07:00

oh. too be rich!

2010-08-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

The other day i was sat in the sun with my daddy, just enjoying the rays. Well actually it was a few months ago, but anyway. So he got out this book and it was AMAZING!!!!

So i thought i would show you some pretty nice pictures of what was in that book, just so you can be as jealous as i was and am :)

P.S some of the following pictures may not be in the book below :)

ok so here is the front cover, of you ever see it i suggest the you look at it because its well worth taking a look at it :D

ok, so i think this one is a little extreme, but hey, if you could afford it...

would you build a castle in the trees ?

so here is another one, i know it looks different, but they are the same,

the pictures have been taken from different angles.

i really like the fact that it has two separate parts:)

Ok, so here is one that i really like!

It looks so big and elegant :)

Best till last!

This beautiful sphere is and actual restaurant in New Zealand!

Isnt that amazing?

Imagine how much it would cost to eat there!

But anyway, i know that this is a proper boring blog, but i wanted you to see some of the amazing things that money can get you!

Yes it can buy you all of those, but it cant buy you the best things in life.

Will write another blog soon, and dont worry it will be better :)

peace out

Georgie <3

No Inspiration

2010-08-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

I think that everyone reaches certain stages in there lives where they feel like everything is messed up. I think I've hit one of those points.
And before someone reading this thinks it. No, i am not depressed. I am fine. I just feel. . . i don't quite know. Like something isn't right. Nothings the same as it was and everything is changing around me. Its like, things are just slipping away and i cant hold onto them anymore. Memories and feelings and ideas. Motivation and i don't know, maybe even the fact that love is possible.
But, i'm not going to make this yet another blog about whether love is out there somewhere or not. Because frankly at this stage in my life, the love that comes with passion and in my case goes to and comes from a boy, that kind of love, it doesn't matter. I'm 15 years old for Christ sake. Who gives a shit if i don't have a boyfriend or have never been kissed, i have my whole life ahead of me for that. At the end of the day if there is anyone out there low enough to care and think stupid things then, there narrow sightedness is blinding.
Anyway, this isn't what this blog is about, recently i have been feeling really . . . out of my depth i think is a good way to put it. Like i'm floundering in an ocean that i wasn't ready for. I'm not quite sure what brought it on. But, the more i think about the options available and the decisions i have made, the more that i feel less proud of my achievements. My talents. My qualities. I'm not going to simply sit here and say that i'm no one and i have nothing and that things like world war two was all my fault because i don't. I'm not. And it wasn't.
I feel like i cant tell anyone though, i don't know who to tell. I don't know how to explain, i think its just best to weight it out :T maybe that way eventually this feeling will just go away. I don't want to weigh anyone down by it. I had a good friend, she was going though a really hard time. And, i'm would like to say that i felt like i helped her. And then i had to go away for a week. And now, i want to ask if things are getting better, but i don't know how to ask, how to word it without upsetting her. i don't want to hurt her, shes had enough hurt to last a lifetime. Now, i feel like we have drifted, why cant we have a constant four hour conversation again? We both could talk for england so how have we run out of things to talk about ? It just makes me sad. I've done this all my life. Taken an interest in something and then just let it fade out. The only hobby I've held is reading. And more recently writing, but even that isn't a constant thing. I'm afraid that others would feel that my work, that I've poured so much love into, was, basically worth burning. That would hurt. I have no reason to keep writing. But i want to. I have to finish, but i don't want to waste my time. I will finish, if not for any other than myself. I would want to read it.
I have no motivation. I really want to loose weight and i know that that means i need to stop eating so much and start doing more exercise. I still want to join a martial arts group, i need my mum to help me. But, its hard, i'm not yet 16 but i will be in 6 months. so is there any point in joining a junior group for so little time? or should i just wait. 6 months will fly by for what i have got ahead. Year 11. I'm nervous. But why? no one is going anywhere, its just another year. Isn't it? But, its our last. Ever of real school, this time next year i'll be getting ready for college. Jesus. College.
I have a guitar. Why don't i know how to play it? Why haven't i used the dvd i was given to help me teach myself?
I want to learn Gaelic. Why haven't i yet? What am i waiting for, life wont pass any slower.
I have a english essay due in my first lesson back. Why haven't i started yet?
Why do i have so little motivation to do what needs to be done? I need to just get off my ass and do it. I need to stop fannying around trying to make excuses.
How am i going to manage in college without anyone nagging me, but myself, to do the work. I need to kick it up a gear. Sort my self out. But i need to find the motivation. Where has it gone ? Did i ever have any in the first place? I dont know.

But here is my little whine, hopefully my next blog will be about how i have actually have got some motivation to do things that matter. And found some inspiration to do something good and impressive with what i have. Hopefully, i will discover myself again <3 All we can do is hope and try.

Life at the moment.

2010-07-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like i haven't posted in a while as i haven't really had any inspirational ideas to write about. And usually i'd write about love or pain but today i think going to spice it up a little, by just having a nice big chat! I mean yes things have happened, and i have had a lot of things to write about, but i just couldn't find anything interesting to talk about, and then i realized that i didn't really think i needed to. So, here it goes.

So a couple of weeks ago I was grabbed around the throat by some high maniac! But hey it happens to the best of us. However, this made me think and decide that im going to take up self defence. I mean why not i could do it. Right? I cant be that hard to get into, its a hobby and everyone has one. But then there is so many different forms of martial arts, i mean theres:

Kung-fu / karate - where sharp blows are targeted to weak points in the body
jujitsu - uses throws holds and blows for protection
judo - similar to wrestling
ect

Personally i think i will take up jujitsu, because i am told that it would suit me best. Plus i don't like the idea of wrestling some one near a park bench, and I'm not graceful enough for kung-fu, so jujitsu it is :) and it looks kind of fun :P, i did find this one place quite close but its for 16 years and over, so i would have to wait until February, or i find somewhere else, but i just don't know where to look.

So, now its the summer holidays and one week in, I'm feeling quite good. I have done something pretty much everyday. Sunday, i went out with my friends, one who is going on holiday for THREE WEEKS!! I'm going to miss her so much, so last Thursday we went to see Shrek four! Which was really good a lot better than number three, which wasn't really very good to be honest. So we all had a really good night and then on Sunday we went down to the park and took some pictures and brought ice cream and had a really good day :) i miss her already, even though its only been a few days i know that I'm still not going to see her for agesss. :(
Monday, i didn't go out until three but i still had a good time :P, i met my friend, who i haven't really been close to for ages! but i really love her, she is so nice and caring and lovely! So we took a walk down to the park and had an awesome nice talk, and to be honest a nice bitch :) . Now don't judge me, everyone needs one once in a while. But we were talking about to certain people that have hurt more than one person in there quest for "love" :) And she is going through a really hard time at the moment and I'm really feeling for her because she really doesn't deserve it. So i'm just trying to be there for her. And i'm really enjoying it. Theres a really nice feeling that just pangs when someone tells you that they are grateful to you. It just makes me smile. So I hope that things get better for her soon and i hope that we still stay close when she doesn't need me anymore.
Tuesday, i didn't go out until 6 :O but it didn't matter, i went out with a load of friends, one has got me worried. People keep asking me if i like him. But i don't, i swear i don't. But when people ask me if i like someone, i gets me thinking.. Do i like him? But either way, if i did nothing could happen. Hes my best friends ex. Oh dear. The thing is, i don't often like like people in that way. So when people ask me i think too much, mind you it did happen recently with someone else, who i have known literally forever. Someone asked me if i liked him and i was like "lol no!" and my mind was like, "ummmm do i ?" So yeah a bit of a big dilemma, but no i don't think i do, i think that its just that i'm just getting to know him and just realising how nice he is :). So yeah i went out with a loads of peoples and we watched a film. It was a really good night.
Wednesday, we went to the beach :D and i got a ta-aaa-n :D i love being tan, it makes me feel just really quite more confident. For some retarded reason :), so there was loads of us! I went with one of my really close friends, but i swear i didn't talk to her like all day! I'm kind of worried, that i'm loosing them, i'm sure that i'm just being paranoid, but its really weird, i will talk to them, and we will have to arrange to meet up, which should be good, mind you i am going on holiday camping to Cornwall, which i'm looking forward to but dreading at the same time. I mean, i'm going with a friend and we have been friends for a long time, but, something has happened and i cant quite put my finger on it but i'm worried that we are going to fall out, or something i am going to say will upset her, i feel like i don't know her anymore, and maybe this holiday will be a good thing, a chance for us to get to know each other again, maybe. Hopefully it will help. I guess. I guess i could just escape into a book or something, but which one to take :/ hmmmmm.....

Today, well wasn't today a fun day, tiding my mothers house for her. For Free. I'm such a nice daughter. I might ask for money :P.

Ok Well im sure you have now given up reading this because it is very long and boring so yeah! I'm just trying to remember everything i have done in the summer, because its like my last summer holiday in high school and i don't want to waste it.

This blog is now going to come to a very abrupt end and im going to say. Good bye :) xx

a relationship.

2010-06-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

A relationship.
Definition : A connection or a relation to someone. A bond.

There are many relationships around us everyday. They don't have to be sexual or romantic. But they can be, that is why when we hear the word our brains think "boy/girlfriend." But that isn't what a relationship is about, you have a relationship with the people you live with, whether it is a bond of blood or marriage, you are in a relation-ship with them. You are related. You love them, of course you do even though it doesn't feel like it all the time, but you don't always tell them, most of them already know, just by the way you act towards them. Some peoples parents break up. Mine did. It happens. All that means is that they fall out of love. Not that there relation to each other is over. Its you. They are still related to each other, because of you. And that is a good thing.
Then there are your friends the ones that you can live without. Well i couldn't live without mine, and if you have read my previous blogs then you'll know that i love them with all my heart and no boy, whoever that may turn out to be, could ever replace them. They can be a pain in the ass at times but i still love them, whether that is a bad thing or not i don't know. I have a friend, i know that she is having a bit of a bad time at the moment, not that she would tell me, but i can tell. Im not sure what to do, I'm not that social, even with my friends, and sometimes i just don't know what to say. I want her to talk to her but i know that she doesn't want to talk about it, but at the same time i know that if she wanted to talk me about it then, surely, she would have spoken to me already. I don't know, all i can do is be right here when she needs me.
Have you ever had a friend that you have loved to pieces for too long to remember but then they change and you don't want to let them go but, this new trait is just too hard to look past? What do you do when your friend changes from the girl you loved into the girl you hate? And god, i don't want to let her go but she's already fading away, slipping through my fingers, is it just now, is she just going through a rough patch? i just don't know. What do i do? Do i just let it go, or do i try to say something?
Then you have the romantic connections. The hardest kind of relationship that a humans put ourselves through. Or, so i've heard. Everyone says that love is the greatest feeling, but i cant help but wonder, when all the pain comes afterwards, is that amazing feeling really worth it? I'm sure that it is but really, think about it, what is the thing that most girls cry over, isn't it boys? Or is that just me? I have never been in love and i am convinced i never will. But, i'm only 15 and i'm hoping that i have many years of life and love ahead. But, is there such a thing. Are we just mistaking other feelings for love? Lust? Friendship? Great fulness? And how do you know when you have fallen? Is love just a powerful feeling of something else or is it what it is? Love. Do some people have it right when they never say the words "i love you" ? is that such a bad thing? Love just confuses everything. Doesnt it? Or is love really that feeling that doesn't allow you to let go of certain people in your life? The feeling that stops you from sleeping at night. The feeling that if you ever loose them then you will never be close to another person ever again. I guess i will never know until i fall in love.

Cakes

2010-06-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

This is a blog for my Shannon :D i hope it cheers her up :D she deserves all of the below.... in her face :D i love you Shannon Cutting! xx

Cakes.

Cake is a part of everyday life, it is an everyday word and, if not used carefully can cause extreme pain, for someone who has a big craving for cake.

Cake has become a part of tradition, we have birthday cakes and wedding cake and christening cake and what the hell cake. At the end of the day come home to cake. But dont eat to much or you'll end up like him -->

That is Shannon on a good day, she likes to dress up as a pirate :P.

Im afraid she may very well have to kill to get this chocolate cake. Hey a girl needs her chocolate cake!

Damn it! If only these were real :(

If you dont know shannon you wont know that she is in love with cookies and therefore the cookie monster and she had an immense (below)

Hmm i wonder if she knows about this "/ oh dear, what have i done ?

And here are the cupcakes that i made to day, which she is blackmailing me into give her ;)

If you can find your favourite let me know :)

For you shannon i love you.