No Inspiration

I think that everyone reaches certain stages in there lives where they feel like everything is messed up. I think I've hit one of those points.
And before someone reading this thinks it. No, i am not depressed. I am fine. I just feel. . . i don't quite know. Like something isn't right. Nothings the same as it was and everything is changing around me. Its like, things are just slipping away and i cant hold onto them anymore. Memories and feelings and ideas. Motivation and i don't know, maybe even the fact that love is possible. 
But, i'm not going to make this yet another blog about whether love is out there somewhere or not. Because frankly at this stage in my life, the love that comes with passion and in my case goes to and comes from a boy, that kind of love, it doesn't matter. I'm 15 years old for Christ sake. Who gives a shit if i don't have a boyfriend or have never been kissed, i have my whole life ahead of me for that. At the end of the day if there is anyone out there low enough to care and think stupid things then, there narrow sightedness is blinding. 
Anyway, this isn't what this blog is about, recently i have been feeling really . . . out of my depth i think is a good way to put it. Like i'm floundering in an ocean that i wasn't ready for. I'm not quite sure what brought it on. But, the more i think about the options available and the decisions i have made, the more that i feel less proud of my achievements. My talents. My qualities. I'm not going to simply sit here and say that i'm no one and i have nothing and that things like world war two was all my fault because i don't. I'm not. And it wasn't. 
I feel like i cant tell anyone though, i don't know who to tell. I don't know how to explain, i think its just best to weight it out :T maybe that way eventually this feeling will just go away. I don't want to weigh anyone down by it. I had a good friend, she was going though a really hard time. And, i'm would like to say that i felt like i helped her. And then i had to go away for a week. And now, i want to ask if things are getting better, but i don't know how to ask, how to word it without upsetting her. i don't want to hurt her, shes had enough hurt to last a lifetime. Now, i feel like we have drifted, why cant we have a constant four hour conversation again? We both could talk for england so how have we run out of things to talk about ? It just makes me sad. I've done this all my life. Taken an interest in something and then just let it fade out. The only hobby I've held is reading. And more recently writing, but even that isn't a constant thing. I'm afraid that others would feel that my work, that I've poured so much love into, was, basically worth burning. That would hurt. I have no reason to keep writing. But i want to. I have to finish, but i don't want to waste my time. I will finish, if not for any other than myself. I would want to read it. 
I have no motivation. I really want to loose weight and i know that that means i need to stop eating so much and start doing more exercise. I still want to join a martial arts group, i need my mum to help me. But, its hard, i'm not yet 16 but i will be in 6 months. so is there any point in joining a junior group for so little time? or should i just wait. 6 months will fly by for what i have got ahead.  Year 11. I'm nervous. But why? no one is going anywhere, its just another year. Isn't it? But, its our last. Ever of real school, this time next year i'll be getting ready for college. Jesus. College. 
I have a guitar. Why don't i know how to play it? Why haven't i used the dvd i was given to help me teach myself? 
I want to learn Gaelic. Why haven't i yet? What am i waiting for, life wont pass any slower. 
I have a english essay due in my first lesson back. Why haven't i started yet? 
Why do i have so little motivation to do what needs to be done? I need to just get off my ass and do it. I need to stop fannying around trying to make excuses. 
How am i going to manage in college without anyone nagging me, but myself, to do the work. I need to kick it up a gear. Sort my self out. But i need to find the motivation. Where has it gone ? Did i ever have any in the first place? I dont know. 


But here is my little whine, hopefully my next blog will be about how i have actually have got some motivation to do things that matter. And found some inspiration to do something good and impressive with what i have. Hopefully, i will discover myself again <3 All we can do is hope and try.