Mr Darcy.

Every girl in intitaled to a love story. A fantasy. We all wish for one, dont we? And to have a love story we have to find a love. Love? Is there such a thing? We've been told that many times that eventually we will be able to find the loves of our lives. But how? And when? When do we know that we have found the one? Is it a feeling or does someone tell you? And, one of my personal greatest fears, what if, you never find him? Or, what if you miss him and let that pass you by. How many chances do we get with true love? I don't want to settle for something just because i cant get better. Is it selfish to want the real deal? What if, i want what i don't deserve. Does that mean, that i don't get to fall in - stupid, needy, irrational, cant live without the other -love? Is that fair. Or do we get exactly who we deserve... I don't mean to sound ungrateful and selfish, but the fact is, i am. And I want a Mr. Darcy. I want someone who will ask me to dance just so they can look at me close up. I want someone to love me against their better judgement, but love me all the same. I want someone to write me a love letter. I want someone to love me. I know that everyone says that but, in high school, when all you see around you is couples getting off and people talking about sex all the time, it kinda makes you wonder. And yes, i still have days when i do feel quite sorry for myself. No, i don't want to have sex. No i don't want public snogging sessions. I want something else.

As you may have realized, recently i have started reading pride and prejudice, and it has gotten me thinking again, i was surprised actually that i have gone so long without having a massively long rant about it. And i don't really want to now. Even though i kind of just have. I went prom dress shopping with a couple of my friends today, who both tried on dresses they looked beautiful in. And it got me thinking, prom. Its the end of an era. And stood there, looking at two beautiful girls, in big beautiful dresses, well... i welled up, i stared to think about college and how we and my other friends wouldn't see each other so much all the time, different timetables, different buildings. It just makes me sad to think that my whole way of life is ending, and things are going to change. This is the beginning of the end, and its a sad feeling, that i think is going to linger. Its like an emptiness. Wow, I'm not old enough for prom, or college, I'm not old enough to risk loosing the people around me because i wait for them, I'm not ready to loose them because I'm too shy to arrange something. I'm not old enough to be worrying about the fact that i have never done anything in my life. And i don't actually care, i still have my whole life to do something about it. I'm not stupid enough to do something that i will regret later on, I'm not desperate. And I'm fussy. So there. Lets get back to the beautiful Mr. Darcy - well he's beautiful in my head - and love.

Elizabeth is a little silly when she rejects Darcy isn't she? It isn't just me who thinks so... is it?  Only to accept him in the end anyway. He loved her. L.O.V.E.D her, thats special. And she grows to love him in a matter of weeks?! Silly girl. But what is it that makes us attracted to someone? Their looks, personality, charm? Is it all three? Or is there no such thing as attraction? Do we fall for someone despite what they look, act and dance like? Is it all looks and personality? Do you have to be "banging" or pretty or beautiful to have someone fall for you? Can you rely on personality anymore? Or has the media ruined it for everyone? We only hate our bodies because we have been told what we have to look like, but why do we have to look like what we're told to look like? We're perfectly happy to rebel against everything else people tell us, so why haven't we rebelled against this ideal body too? I suppose it will just be one other thing that us girls need to deal with, i guess its a good thing we are muti-taskers.

Here, is my Mr. Darcy. Damn his dark flicky (sexy) hair and baby blues... sigh. 

Well, as you can see, i set my ideals way to high for the way i look, but hey I'm still little. I'm allowed to dream! And, you know, no one is going to stop me. 

Theres a difference

There is one most common difference between people and that is themselves everyone is different, no matter how similar, in looks, personality. Whatever. I know it doesn't make sense. But then neither does everyday of our lives. Or so it seems.
Theres a difference between unhappiness and sadness. Isn't there? Not one you can explain, but there is something that makes you say one rather than the other. Surely then that means there is a difference. No, its not obvious, and its probably not as complicated as i'm trying to make it, but why have two words that mean the same thing? Is there a point?

Is there a difference between love and hate? No, you have to love someone to wake up and hate them, else you would be indifferent, why would you care if you didn't? So, you have to love to hate. Right? Then, if thats true, how do you make that feeling go away, be it love, or hate, can you just pile it all away, like unwanted clothes, or toys and put it in storage. Let the dust of age settle, but then one day, surely the dust would be disturbed, and so would the emotion, then you have to go through the whole process again.
So what do you do? How do you set it free? It wont fly away, its like a leech and wants to suck that love away, and keep all the hate inside you.

Alone. What is it to be alone? Is it just a feeling of not having everything in its place inside you, or is it actually being by yourself? Or is it both? I had a day at school today where we were supposed to be doing work that we hadn't finished yet. I wasn't with anyone that i knew, and it bothered me that, it effected me, how much work i did. Then i came, home, i had a headache and i was in a bad mood, and the night just got crappy, and i lay on my bed, not wanting to eat because it was lamb, and i don't eat lamb, and because i wanted to cry, and i still do, but it wont come out, and i keep praying that the lump in my throat can be swallowed, but its not having it. Then my mum came up and i could have cried to her, but i know that she hates it when i cry. And i felt so terrible because i told her that i felt alone, and that sometimes i didn't feel like part of the family. And now i realizing that i am the only one left. My sister is gone, moved out and i haven't spoken to her for about a month properly, and i miss her very much. My little brother is 7 and I'm going to be 16 in February. I'm the only Radford in our house. I'm lonely. And i don't like it. I don't know who to talk to. And because Lauren, your not here, i need you the most. Oh dear... here comes the chin wobble. I hadn't really realized how much i missed you, i guess i hadn't thought about it until now. Who do you talk to when your feeling low? I don't want to talk to my friends because i know that they already have enough on their plate with out me adding to the mash, and i don't want to talk to my mum because i know she gets upset when i do, and i don't want that. Should i talk to a teacher? Thats not me though. Why would i talk to someone i barely know about my problems?

I'm not having any epiphany's no sparks of realizations of what to do. Damn it. No idea's. I need fresh air. I'm going to the beach next, week, and i know what your thinking, yeah, its bloody cold. But i love the sea, and i cant go up to the woods, so the beach it be.

Advice, i was talking to a friend the other day, telling her not to let people treat her like crap, because they do, and she goes on and lets them. Like she likes it or something, and then she said that she had been saying the same thing to someone else, and then i thought. How often do people give advice they wouldn't follow? I couldn't think of anything for example, but i would hate to take advice i know the person giving it doesn't, or wouldn't follow.

What would you do? Who would you talk too? Who do you trust?

Every one is different, that i know. Theres a difference. But which do you choose?

Peace out Georgie xx