Time is doing nothing but moving forward.

Time seems to be flying on a jet, and yet it feels like so long ago that it was my birthday. How can the weeks be passing so quickly and yet the beginning of the month seems like it was so far away. Everyone always said that time would fly after christmas and that my exams would be looming over me before I know it. Well its before I know it and i know that I need to start revising, I know that its stupid but, starting revision would be admitting that my whole entire way of life is coming to an end. And that I don't like at all. Its horrible to think that everything you know, everything your comfortable with will be gone. Just like that. In one day. Call me a drama queen and maybe you'd be right. I already miss what I'm already loosing, comfort.

You know when you meet someone and you instantly want to get to know them better? The beauty with blue eyes. Well I kind of feel like that at the moment. Mixed feelings and yet butterflies and red cheeks, that's how i feel. I thought it was only a crush but now I'm not so sure... I never really want to say anything because I'm scared it will go away. I can barely find the courage to go and talk to him. I feel like an idiot and I know that I should just enjoy the laughs and the smiles. But how do you know if someone likes you back? I guess you don't, but why did it have to be now? It almost seems too late. He isn't going to my college either and it's very unlikely that i would seem him around much either, it makes me sad that i will miss out on that too. I want a hug now.

Time is just rushing away with itself, but there is no way to stop it or the feelings it takes or leaves. I want life to just slow down, let me savour it. Let me breathe. Let me chill. Let me have enough time to blog at night, to read, to write, to find myself. Why does time have to fly when i just want it to wander. There isn't enough seconds in an hour. Let me spend more time with you. Help me find the time to stay in a moment. Let me have the time to think and dream. And for Christ sake give me the time to complete my bloody coursework.

And every single thought leads me back to you. I know what I want to dream about, the question is will I? And when? What will happen in the future? Will I like it? I guess all i can do is wait and see, and hope and pray that life will be good.

Catch up!

Having started many posts and then later deleting them, i was starting to get a little sad. Had i lost my flow, and if so how long would it last? Its been gone for ages, i struggled even to write my english essay so when i realized that my flow had disappeared from fiction too! Maybe i had been just preoccupied with coursework and revision or just being too damn tired. However, in the past week i have read two books! Yeah, i know i haven't really been able to go anywhere because of the snow, but its still quite bad that i haven't been able to do coursework. I just cant focus. So i began to re-write my story, which by the way i wont be posting, firstly because i want to get it published, and second because it would take me years to post the thing. So at first i wanted to write it, alternating between characters perspective, i read a book like it before, called North Child? Or something like that. Anyway i really liked it so i tried it my self, it worked quite well but i realized that maybe it would be better for me to write it third, that way i could zoom into one person more easily rather than having to change chapters, its annoying though, im so used to writing in first person so i keep doing accidentally... oops.

Well thats a start. Again, i changed my career path, i figured being a journalist would be interesting but having read my most recent book i figured that the job could be kind of dangerous, and not only that i wouldn't know how to write about death and pain. I would get to emotional involved connecting it to myself somehow, trying to understand what exactly the victim was going through, and i wouldn't gossip about celebrities, so i let it go. Still wanting to be an author i figured as i was reading and noticing slight mistakes, i could be the one to correct them, and get to read these brilliant books for money. Being paid for something that i love doing. Plus i could pretty much choose how i do it, therefore, i would still have time to write my own material. Simple.

Plus i applied for college yesterday, its weird it feels like only yesterday i was getting nervous of high school, i know that life is a journey but you don't expect to fly though it, life should at least be strolled though, sometimes you need to be somewhere for that little bit longer. Still, college has been applied for so they should get back to me! Scary stuff.

So, whats been going on? Not a lot, having finished school for Christmas i went to see my dad, who was ill with the flew thing that i had a couple of weeks ago, which now my mum has too, i feel bad but I'm not the only one who could have given it to them at the end of the day. Then i went down to my lovely friends bless her, the four of us crazy people danced ate and just plain simply made fools of ourselves. I had a good night and i needed it it was the last time before Christmas i would probably see them again. I was supposed to see one of them again on Monday but because of the snow, lovely Exeter was at a stand still. So looks like i will be travelling up there tomorrow! With little brother in tow, as my sister isn't coming home now until tomorrow, fair enough though the snow is really thick. Well i really need to go up tomorrow so hopefully, we will be in luck and the weather will be permitting, other wise Christmas presents will be late this year... so annoying, but at least i know exactly what i need. I'm going to be writing a list, my i feel like santa!

I don't feel as excited as i normally do though. Maybe its because i know what I'm getting this year, but i cant help that i suppose. I wanted what i wanted. Maybe i will tomorrow, i might get up early and download some christmas music to pump my legs to when walking. Not that i will be able to walk that fast but, never mind!

Quote of the Day!

I think that this quote pretty much speaks for itself. I love it and i think that its so true, humans make mistakes because they're born too, i sure as hell have made my fair share and i think deep down you know you have too, no one is perfect. No you probably haven't made as many as you think you have, because some mistakes are made for good reason, with better outcomes. Marilyn Monroe was right, we have the bad things to remind us exactly what we love! Treasure them. Your beautiful. Appreciate yourself, others already do.

Peace out, Georgie. xx

Daily Quote / Quote of my Day

Im really sorry, i knew i would be bad at this :/ I'm terrible i know ... I cant promise that I'm going to be able to post a quote every single day at this rte, and you got to give me some sympathy, i am in year 11 after all, I'm sorry that i haven't done a proper post for such a long time either. I just don't know what exactly to write about ... I will think about it when I'm not trying to get rid of this bug thing i have at the moment.... Cough, cold, headaches, hot flushes, the list goes on. Its doing my head in.

Anyway it wont be a daily quote but a quote of the day sort of thing, when i have one or if i remember / have time to post one.

So here's today's

Life is like a piano, 

what you get out of it depends on how you play it, 

Right now, your not playing it too well

I've had this picture forever and been totally in love with it from first glance, and i always wanted to accompany it with a blog, but i never really wrote one to go with it very well. I bet i will write one that would fit it perfectly now, that is if i ever write one again. Sad times.

Everyone has days when they think that they aren't playing their piano too well, or someone isn't playing it too you or a friend well at all, we all have our days and its sad when someone has to go through a rough patch. Sometimes people go though too many patches, and as a friend of those people its hard to watch, you want to step in and just pull them out and take it all for them, but, you cant, they need to deal with it themselves and the majority would rather you didn't, would you want them to do the same to you? Besides because of the way that life pans out, you'll get your own amount of mess later on that you'll have to act as a cleaner for. I hate seeing my friends sad, but i know that all i can do is be there for them, its hard when you want to talk to the hurter, give them a piece of your mind, but as i have learned from experience, the only thing you can do for them is be happy and support them, but they need to sort out their problems for themselves. I know that it sounds harsh, but its true, as sad and frustrating as that may be, there isn't anything you can do to change it.

I wish that i could help you, my best friend get through what you hide, but i can't. Its a sad fact of life that can't be changed. I wish i could pull you back and take it all for you, save you from the tears that have streamed and stained your cheeks. I wish i could save you from pain. I wish that i could take it all away, i know that i haven't been the best that i could ever be. And I'm sorry for that. I'm here now, and i hope that helps or at least counts for something. I will always be here, i love you, and i hope you know that now if you had missed all those signs before.

I think that counts as half a blog... hmm, think i just got a bit carried away then. Oopsies.

Anyhow, for the next one,

Peace out ,, Georgie. xx

Stairs

I'm climbing stairs, they are uneven and tricky. Some times, I'll trip and stumble, sometimes the next step will easy. Like life. Sometimes, you will find that climbing the stairs is as easy as climbing the stairs in you house, and other times your climbing the impossible stair that is rough, uneven, steep and slippery, you could slip off at any moment and have to start again, or someone could appear and pull you up that last little bit, sometimes they will appear again and again, and you will learn to love them. Other times, they look like there about to help you, but they're the ones that end up pushing you down.

Sometimes, you can get pushed down so many times that you just want to sit down and wait for someone to pick you up and just carry up, because you have simply given up, you don't want to have to pick yourself up anymore, you've lost hope. You think you know the out come of the next step, and it hurts. Or, so you think. The point is that you cant just give up on your life, you have to keep going, or you might be stuck on a hard step for longer than you were supposed to be in the first place. You have to keep going for things to get better. Because sometimes there will be a little bit of flat to get to the next flight. No, it wont be easy to get to the top of them, but once you do, gee'z will the view be worth it. Maybe, you will want to get higher, so another flight of stairs will come, but don't worry with a little help you make it.

Your never quite sure who you should trust, as at any moment they could put out a hand and push you down. And sometimes, you'll be the one helping someone else up their next step, so most likely, they'll be back to help you. People come and go, some stay for longer, and some vanish without a word. You cant wish them back. No matter what you wish on, how you wish for it, nor can the strength of your wish, not if they don't want too...

I know that stairs are a strange way to put it, but i guess, i'm the daughter of a stair maker, the metaphor seems solid.

It's a draining process, but it's a process, and it makes you grateful for the areas of flat, and it you think about it that way, think at least your not going downhill.

Anyway a short and complicated blog for you :)

Peace out, Georgie xx

Short story - my dream - part two of part three - FINAL

From me - Again, beware this section does contain disturbing and sexual images, sorry if it offends you, as it wasn't created for this purpose. I simply wrote it. This is my final piece, if it does offend you please let me know and I will remove the posts. But i hope you enjoy it.

Two months later I lay on my bed, hand-in-hand with Coop'. Our relationship wasn't anything new anymore, new scandals had been and gone, and no one noticed us - except Joe. He hated me for hogging his son. I had asked Coop' so many times to spend more time with his father - Coop' insisted that it was more jealousy than loneliness that spawned Joe's new found hatred. So I steered clear.

"Coop'?" I asked, putting my chin on his chest, I rose and fell with it.

"Mmm?" he replied not opening his eyes.

"Why does your Pa hate me really?" he rose, leaning on his elbows for balance. He huffed, exasperated by the question that was always on my mind. "I just want to know the truth."

"Because he know we have, what he and my mother wanted... Love Ci'" He said when I only stared.

"Oh,"

"What?" he asked a slight smirk in his voice.

"Nothing." I said and I lay my head back down to listen to his heartbeat. We lay there for a while peacefully listening to the deep voice of my uncle on he phone on the floor below, the scraping of chairs the wind bashing against the window.

"I hate that." he says. I say, his most common word, hate, can't he find something to love?

"What? What do you hate?" I asked, moodily and sounding very uninterested. He was just about to say when my hormones kicked in, i got up and looked at him as though he had just told me that he had kissed another girl. "What do you hate this time? Because it seems to me that you hate pretty much god damn everything! You hate your dad for the way he's acting towards me, you hate your mum for leaving you, you hate Jason for beating me up, you hate Zoe for getting him to, you hate drugs, you hate cats, you hate the fact that you got a C in your last test, for all I know you could hate my style, my -" I kept going, Coop' stood, I was making him angry, I could see it in his face, his body language, he was so pissed off. But I couldn't stop, he put his hand over my mouth hard, it hurt.

"Want to know something, I hate it when your like this!" he wasn't shouting, it was beyond that - he whispered, quickly and angrily - it frightened me more than the shouting would have. "I love you Cira, but every god damn day you find something new to pick at, I have been waiting for you for so long, and it feels like everything I say pisses you off. I can't do anything right when it comes to you damn it. We are supposed to be in love. And I love you. Don't you love me back? Because surely if you did you wouldn't be doing this to us, yeah I understand that I can piss you off - but this much isn't possible, and if it is, what the fuck are we doing together?" A single tear slid down his cheek, and one strolled after the other on mine.

"I'm sorry," I cried, it was the first time he had told me he loved me. "I love you. I don't know why I'm like this, I know it's bitchy. But.. I don't - " The words were tumbling out almost as fast as the tears, we held each other. "I love you Cooper Haynes. Always have, always will." I whispered. We kissed, and when our breathing became heavy, he began to kiss my jaw, my neck where he nibbled and then kissed to sooth, his teeth grazed my ear - sending a shiver, ripple through my spine. Together we sank back onto my bed where, I pulled his t-shirt over his head, and explored the muscles in his back, the feel of his ribs beneath my touch, we sat on our knees, in each others embrace. I began to kiss his chest. Love ran through me like fire as he slowly drew my t-shirt over my head. We kissed again, skin meeting skin. He felt and teased with kisses and bites, and love. His hands cupped my breasts, and I gasped. "Oh God." I whispered, but he "Shh"ed me. We fell backwards my head on my pillow and Coop' straddled on top. He kissed my belly and ran his tongue over my belly button piercing. I moaned as he flipped the button of me jeans and pulled them to my knees - running his hands up and down the inside of my thighs. He muffled my groan of pleasure with a kiss, and I kicked off the rest of my jeans. Rolling over so that I was on top, I kissed his mouth, his chest, and the space just above his belt buckle, and just as I was loosening the notch there was a loud bang down stairs. My uncle was still in the house, and I was in my underwear with Coop' lying beneath me. He had heard it too, it that second he flipped me back so that again I was underneath him. I wanted more, but not now, we couldn't and he knew that as much as I did. He, in fact was already passing me my jeans, the right way out, so I could slip them on easily. And the same with my t-shirt, his was already on and he was walking out the door. I wanted him to come back, I wanted to get it over with, get the pain I had prepared for. I know that love didn't equal sex, but, I'm so ready, I walked into my bathroom and splashed water over my face. It's coolness cleared my head, it was right for us to stop, we couldn't do "it" when my uncle was in the house. I just wanted Cooper to be a part of me, forever. He would forever be my first and that was always going to be that way. I stood there, looking at my dripping face until Coop' came in to find me, he kissed the base of my neck and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Your Uncle has made dinner." he whispered I nodded, and slipped easily out of his reach. I couldn't get to close again. I coiled my hair into a bun and wandered down the stairs - Coop' close behind. 

We sat at the table in silence, my uncle doing everything possible to get one of us to talk more than to just answer the question. I felt like crap, I wanted to curl into Cooper’s arms and sleep, maybe even have a bit of a cry. Stupid hormones.

"Hey baby girl, what is it?" he nabbed me whilst I was doing the dishes, "What happened upstairs, Cira? Did you two fall out?" He guessed, "I heard shouting but I thought you sorted it out. Did - did some - " he huffed "Did something happen? … Upstairs." The blood rushed to my cheeks.

"What?! NO!" I almost screamed, "I would never do that!" I turned and took a deep breath. "We were just talking, yeah, we fell out." I felt drained already, and I knew that he would talk to the boys too.

I stomped heavily up the stairs so he wouldn't follow me up, but I knew that he would look in when he went up to bed. 

I fell into my room and slammed onto my bed. I hadn't been lying there long when my phone buzzed.


"Hello?" I asked sleepily. There was a giggle on the other line.
"Hey sleepy, Cooper with you?" it was Shannon.
"Well hello gorgeous." I laughed, 

"Why, hello yourself. Are you alone or not?" 

"Yeah I'm alone, what’s up?" I sat up so the covers didn’t muffle my voice.

"Well, I was sat with Olivia, and we were talking as we do and we were wondering if you would come to the cinema with us?"

"Low on money?" I hinted the smile tinting my voice.

"Maybe..."

"Sure I'll speak to my Uncle. Jamie too?"

"Yep, I spoke to her already... Did you want Coop' to come?"

"Um, nah. Just us girls." There was a silence.
"Um, You sure?"

"Yeah! I can be with out him for more than hour you know." I laughed. 

"That’s hard to believe,” she laughed on the other end. 

"So, what’s really up honey, you seem down." she paused, and then launched into her thoughts I lay on my back and we just talked. I must have talked to her for hours. It wasn't until after i had said good-bye that I realized how much I missed my girlie's. That shouldn't have happened. My uncle knocked on my door, just as I stood up. He smiled awkwardly; I guessed he had hoped that I would already be asleep. I smiled back.

"I was just talking to Shannon. We were wondering if you could possibly get us some ticket to 'Life as we know it' for next week?" 

"Well, its a pretty busy showing Ci'" He scratched his neck uncomfortable, he was loosing money and there we a few of us that wanted to go.

"Oh, we were going to pay you back!" I reassured him. 

"Well, I can get you a discount, but I can’t get you any free tickets next week, sorry baby." 

"That's great thank you so much, I owe you Da’" I gave him a big hug, i knew he was uncomfortable going through the Cooper and I phase so, I decided to cut him some slack. 

"So how many do you want?" 

"Umm, four please? We decided to have a girlie day"


"Okay, no problem." he smiled 

"Night Pa, love you." I said as he turned to leave.

"Love you to Cira, more than I can say." I smiled, and he closed the door slowly. 

"Cira!" I heard my name being called from behind me as I walked through the town hand in hand with Coop'. I knew the voice, belong to Shannon, so I stopped. She was with Olivia, the pair were inseparable. 
"Well hello my prize winning lettuce, how are you?" I laughed at Olivia's comment. 

"I'm good, yourself?" I replied 

"Amazing as per usual." She grinned, "We still up for later?" 

"Always" I smiled, waving good bye they left us and we kept walking, I put Coop's arm around my waist and hugged him, I was feeling low and would rather we were somewhere were i could just hold on to him and not let go. He hugged me back.

"Let me take you out for dinner, we never do that." He said against my hair. I looked up at him and smiled.


"Cooper, does this mean i have to wear a dress?"


"I would love to see you in a dress." He smiled,


"I don't do dresses,"


"But, you have gorgeous legs, besides, it would be uncomfortable for you to turn up in jeans." the left corner of his mouth rose in a teasing smile. 

"Damn you win." He kissed me sweetly and we kept walking


"So I'll pick you up at 8?"
"Sure... I'm so cold." He stopped walking and he let go, I shivered as I watched him slide off his black biker jacket, I had always loved that jacket. When he passed it to me, my eyes went wide and I shook my head.

"No! You'll get cold!" 

He looked at me exasperated, "Then keep me warm." I put it on; the coat was still warm from his body. I snuggled into it and put my arms back around him. "Warm enough?" I asked quietly,

"With you? Always" he kissed my head. 

Later, when I was saying good-bye, waiting outside of the cinema for the girls that I was supposed to be spending the day with. They had told me I was allowed to see Cooper, as they would be stealing me away next weekend.  As it was Jamie's birthday and she had booked a spa weekend for the four of us. I was amazingly excited and had been working my ass off for the past four months so that I could afford the treatments, she would pay for the room, the service, we would pay for the treatments. Money didn't grow trees.

We kissed, to the sound of the city and a whistle from the other side of the road. Alex ran over to us grabbing Cooper out of my arms and giving him a manly smack on the back hug. It made me laugh.

“Hey? Where’s mine?” I said, slightly opening my arms, for his hug. With a sparkle in his eye, he pushed my shoulder.
“I don’t like you, go away!”

“Hey!” Cooper said, punching him in the stomach, “What’s not to like?” Alex laughed,
“She stole my bitch.” I laughed, and he turned to squish me. “So, what are you guys up to?”
“We’re saying bye” Coop’ smiled at me
“Eww.” Alex grimaced; he was still a child at heart. Despite him, or to spite him Coop’ pulled me into his body roughly with one arm, and made me lean backwards, like in the movies. The kiss was hot, leaving me breathless. When he stood me back up Liv’, Jay and Shannon were stood watching. I smiled guiltily, and Alex was dragging Cooper away down the road, he winked at me and waved mouthing the words “I love you.” My heart rolled and I sighed, I could never get tired of him.

“C’mon lover girl, you need to get the tickets.” Shannon dragged me up the steps and into the lobby; Uncle Patrick was working the desk, phew. We got in the queue and waited.

“Hey Pap.” I smiled, “Have you got them?”

“Yes. Just give me a fiver.”

“Woo, thank you.” I grinned, and turned to walk away. Then he came out of his booth calling my name, being the boss, he wore a suit.

“Cira, we’re staying at the hotel tonight.”

“What! NO!” my jaw dropped, I hated staying at the hotel, it wasn’t home, and I was supposed to be going out with Cooper.

“Don’t make a scene Cira.” He said in his firm but quiet voice. I stared angrily at him.
“I’m seventeen, I’m going home.”

“I am still in charge of you, until your eighteen, your in my care, would you have done this to your parents? You’re staying at the hotel.” I turned around quickly, and began to walk away, stopping, about three paces away from him, I turned my head and said; “You are my parent.” Then I ran to the screening, just in time for the show.

I was pissed off. How dare he involve them? He had no right to do that; I couldn't focus on the film. I stood and walked out. I could feel people’s eyes on the back of my head - their sighs as I made them move to get out. When I reached the lobby, I could see my uncle, so I walked back to his office. I sat with his head in his hands and his glasses perched on the end of his nose. I noticed the grey flecks that contrasted with his black hair. "You’re missing the film." he said with out looking up.

"I'm going home to pick up my pajama's, want anything? Oh wait, you brought everything you needed, you had already decided. Well see you then." I said, my tone angry and spiteful. I turned, my hand already on the doorknob. I wasn't ready to forgive him yet. "Cira, come here." He was on his feet, and as much ready for a fight as I was.
"What?" 

"Why did you come in here? Do you want to fight? Because if you do, then lets fight!"

"You had no right to involve my parents so that you got your way, as usual!" my voice raised - yes, I wanted a fight. "Why would you do that?" 

"Because, you want the house to yourself with Cooper, you have changed since you started going out with him, and not in a good way. I see those looks, you give him." His voice was louder too.

"No I haven't, what is so bloody different about me?"


"You want sex!" 

"And?! All girls my age want to have sex with the person they love, and no Patrick, its not lust, I love him so much! You wouldn't understand, what that’s like. And you use my parent’s death to your own advantages because you know that it works! You ask me what they would think but I don't know because I don't remember because they're dead! I hate you!" I had never, in all the arguments with my uncle had said that I hated him. Because it wasn't true, I loved my uncle. He had done everything and more for me. He looked down at his shoes and a tear dropped onto mine. I opened my mouth to apologize but nothing came out, then his arms were around him. I sobbed in anger and regret. I regretted everything that I had said. "I'm sorry Pa, so sorry." I cried. 

"Me too, my baby, me too." 

"Okay," I sniffed, "I do actually need to go home and get some clothes." I sniffed and pushed him away. 

"Cira, I will make it up to you, I promise. I just have this dinner tonight and I don't want to go by myself. Would you come with your old man, make him look good?"

"I can introduce you as that." 

"Kay, bye." I left. 

Four hours later I was stood in a black cocktail dress and heels, arm in arm with my Pa. We attended a boring dinner with investors and other old men in overly large dinner jackets and fancy cuff links. Talking about the stock market and whether or not Pa's boys would be taking over the business or whether he was going to sell it. The only one who didn't talk was Joe, Pa's head of whatever it was.

"Well, why can't it come to me?" I asked, sipping 7UP as a group of us stood in front of a large open fire in what the hotel called the "Great Hall". 

"Because dear, you are a female,” replied a pompous man with a ridiculous looking molecule. 

"What has that got to do with anything?" I asked, my annoyance at his sexist attitude showing through. 

"You dear, do not have the proper education nor the sense to run a business this large." 

"Excuse me buddy, but I got all A's and above in my GCSE's and I'm on target to get A's in my A-levels, we don't live in prehistoric ages when females weren't allowed to learn fuck-all. Do me a favor... fuck off back to your own century." I span around and walked out the room, hearing applause from spectators - walking up the stairs I smiled, seeing men and women clapping - arms in the air. The guy was nowhere to be seen. But I couldn't smile; I knew that I had probably just gotten Pa in trouble. Hey, the douche deserved it.  

After unexpected congratulations from Pa when he came up to say that I didn't have to come back down, I ran a bath. I rarely took baths, showers were easier, and to be honest, more relaxing. But hell, why not, I had had quite a bad day and a long one at that. The white bath had huge clawed feet. I poured bubbles into it. I coiled my hair high on top of my head and undressed. I sank into the bath and looked around the room. The bath stood opposite the dark wood door, there was a toilet and a sink, in which I lay in front, then behind me there was a Japanese style painted wooden screen with a chair behind it. I closed my eyes and drank in the atmosphere of the bath. They were relaxing. Showers were just easier. Everything seemed so peaceful, then there was a cloth over my mouth, with a strong hand holding it there, the cloth muffled my screams, I was kicking slapping the water, as the chemical over the cloth sank into my blood steam; soon, I lost control of my body and I couldn't make my legs kick or my arms claw. My body wouldn't - couldn't move. As I began to droop into the water, and just as it hit my eyes someone grabbed my hair and pulled me out and onto the floor. My eyes closed as the pain knocked me out. 

When I woke I sighed, I must have fallen asleep, I went to turn my head to see the time. But I couldn't move and my fingers wouldn't react. Then, I heard someone's voice - deep and familiar. 

"Cira? Hello sleeping beauty." Joe came into my view. He had pulled the chair from behind the screen and sat backwards on it facing me. I panicked, I was naked, and Joe was here, I wanted to move, cover myself, and run. He sneered at me, at the fear in my eyes. 

"So, Cira, you and my son, hey? Has he had it in him yet?" he laughed. My heart was beating fast, I didn't understand. What was he going to do? And, why? He still wore a suit, and kept taking swigs from a large bottle of Jack Daniels, straight whiskey, he was drunk. But that didn't make it any better, it made it worse, he could do worse to me because he wasn't thinking clearly. "Has he, touched you yet Cira?" he said getting off the chair and kicking it across the room, it skidded and fell. He knelt down next to me and began trailing his index finger down my belly. "So soft," he murmured, to himself? Memorized by my skin. "Sad that you can't stop me from doing this..." his finger tailed from my belly and up to my breast, I could feel his touch, but had no control over the reactions of my body. I would have shivered. He trailed his fingers up and down my torso, as tears escaped my eyes. As he did, he talked to me; I was a whore, like Cooper’s mother, who was going to ruin Cooper’s life, like she did his, with a baby. But Cooper wouldn’t have it in him; he was a pussy, who wouldn’t fight. He smiled at me, like he would if he was sane. He had gotten bored of this exercise; he began to kiss the areas he had touched. I wanted to buck, to scream, to kick and scrape. I wanted to get him off me. I was helpless. No one could help me because I couldn't scream, and worse, I couldn't help myself. "Has he got inside you yet, whore?" he whispered in my ear, teeth bared. He straddled me, and slapped my face, then grabbing my chin roughly he kissed my mouth, biting at my lips and my neck, my boobs.

"Has he done this?" he asked biting his lip. He shoved his fingers inside of me, so roughly that I saw black spots; then again as he did, he hit me. Tears still fell, now in pain rather than fear – he was going to rape me, and the murderous look in his eyes told me he didn’t intend to let me tell anyone. He thrust his fingers again - my body, however, didn't react. I heard a shout, and his hand was wrenched away. And for the second time in two years I heard the sound of bone crunching bone and again I couldn't see who my savior was, until my head flopped to the side, Cooper knelt over his father furiously batting him with his fists, tears streamed down his cheeks as he cried "How could you? I thought you were getting better." I wanted to cry out, get him to stop. He would regret beating his father, for me. When he was sure his father wasn't going to get up for a while he stopped and looked over at me, "Cira?" I didn't answer, "Cira?" his voice got louder, "CIRA!" he was shouting, grabbing my shoulders and shaking, he got a towel and wrapped it around me. Holding me in his arms, and it dawned on me; he thought I was dead. He kissed me, no response. Again, he tried, no response, putting two fingers on my wrist he found my pulse and looked confused. Then, he saw the rag, and knew. His tears hit my cheeks, adding to my own. He rocked me "Don't leave me Cira, ever, I love you, please stay with me" and praying for forgiveness, from me, and God. He started, shouting, - names - people down stairs, just screaming for help. I was being loaded into an ambulance, when everything went black.

I woke to the steady beating of a machine, when I opened my eyes everything was a blur. I closed them again. The hospital? It smelt like one. And there was too much light.

When I woke for the second time I was in my room, had it all been just a horrible dream? Then I felt the bandages on the hands holding mine, and Cooper's face, eyes red and fresh tears streaming. 

"Hi." I tried to smile. He put a hand on my face. "You saved my life." 

He shook his head "I saved your virginity." 

"And my life… Do you hate me?" my voice was rough, but he laughed wiping his face. 

"I love you. Do you hate me?" 

"No, I love you. What did you do?"

"My - Joe drugged and was going to rape you Ci'. I think that gives you cause to hate me."

"Why? What I do?"

"Remind him of my mom, and not fall in love with him."

"I didn't mean too."

"I know baby,” he said stroking my hair and battered face. We sat together, staring into each other’s faces.

“What – What happened after?” I whispered

“He’s in hospital, the police want to interview him, and you’re going to have to make a statement too.” He looked down at our hands.

“I’m so sorry Cooper.” I said biting my lip, realizing that it was swollen I let go.

“Don’t be. He is the one that should be sorry, you did nothing wrong Cira.”

We sat, staring at each other, trying to believe I was still breathing.

"How did you find me?" I asked after a while. 

"You forgot about our date, so I came here, expecting to find you waiting, and when no one came to the door, I rang your answer machine. Your uncle said that you were staying at the hotel; I went down there to give you some abuse. If I had gotten there any later... I would never have forgiven myself" I put my finger over his lips and shushed. 

"You asked me to do something in the bathroom." I said - my finger was still on his lip's some he only looked confused "You asked me to never leave you, so, if you promise me, then I will promise you." 

"Cira, I'm never going to leave you, ever. I only plan on saying this to one person, I love you."

I smiled up at him, love seeping further into my heart and he leaned down to kiss me as the door burst open - the boys and my uncle poured in like milk. I supposed I was really quite lucky. 

They sat on my bed and we ate ice cream, they were the story of my life, but hey - I couldn’t complain. 

* From me - I hoped you like the story, I definitely did writing it. As for what happens next, let me know what you think... Do they stay together forever? 

Let me know your thoughts on it, I'd love to hear them*

Theres a difference

There is one most common difference between people and that is themselves everyone is different, no matter how similar, in looks, personality. Whatever. I know it doesn't make sense. But then neither does everyday of our lives. Or so it seems.
Theres a difference between unhappiness and sadness. Isn't there? Not one you can explain, but there is something that makes you say one rather than the other. Surely then that means there is a difference. No, its not obvious, and its probably not as complicated as i'm trying to make it, but why have two words that mean the same thing? Is there a point?

Is there a difference between love and hate? No, you have to love someone to wake up and hate them, else you would be indifferent, why would you care if you didn't? So, you have to love to hate. Right? Then, if thats true, how do you make that feeling go away, be it love, or hate, can you just pile it all away, like unwanted clothes, or toys and put it in storage. Let the dust of age settle, but then one day, surely the dust would be disturbed, and so would the emotion, then you have to go through the whole process again.
So what do you do? How do you set it free? It wont fly away, its like a leech and wants to suck that love away, and keep all the hate inside you.

Alone. What is it to be alone? Is it just a feeling of not having everything in its place inside you, or is it actually being by yourself? Or is it both? I had a day at school today where we were supposed to be doing work that we hadn't finished yet. I wasn't with anyone that i knew, and it bothered me that, it effected me, how much work i did. Then i came, home, i had a headache and i was in a bad mood, and the night just got crappy, and i lay on my bed, not wanting to eat because it was lamb, and i don't eat lamb, and because i wanted to cry, and i still do, but it wont come out, and i keep praying that the lump in my throat can be swallowed, but its not having it. Then my mum came up and i could have cried to her, but i know that she hates it when i cry. And i felt so terrible because i told her that i felt alone, and that sometimes i didn't feel like part of the family. And now i realizing that i am the only one left. My sister is gone, moved out and i haven't spoken to her for about a month properly, and i miss her very much. My little brother is 7 and I'm going to be 16 in February. I'm the only Radford in our house. I'm lonely. And i don't like it. I don't know who to talk to. And because Lauren, your not here, i need you the most. Oh dear... here comes the chin wobble. I hadn't really realized how much i missed you, i guess i hadn't thought about it until now. Who do you talk to when your feeling low? I don't want to talk to my friends because i know that they already have enough on their plate with out me adding to the mash, and i don't want to talk to my mum because i know she gets upset when i do, and i don't want that. Should i talk to a teacher? Thats not me though. Why would i talk to someone i barely know about my problems?

I'm not having any epiphany's no sparks of realizations of what to do. Damn it. No idea's. I need fresh air. I'm going to the beach next, week, and i know what your thinking, yeah, its bloody cold. But i love the sea, and i cant go up to the woods, so the beach it be.

Advice, i was talking to a friend the other day, telling her not to let people treat her like crap, because they do, and she goes on and lets them. Like she likes it or something, and then she said that she had been saying the same thing to someone else, and then i thought. How often do people give advice they wouldn't follow? I couldn't think of anything for example, but i would hate to take advice i know the person giving it doesn't, or wouldn't follow.

What would you do? Who would you talk too? Who do you trust?

Every one is different, that i know. Theres a difference. But which do you choose?

Peace out Georgie xx

So, tired.

As the lion king clearly states, "its the circle of life" everyone has their place, and their place must be stuck too, or like with Mufasa's death, bad things happen. But anyway, what has that got to do with anything?
I guess the point i was trying to get to was that, people are born into a family and how they raise you, ultimately determines how you act, what you believe is right and wrong, etcetera. Some people better themselves and others, really don't. But i was thinking, as you do, and i wondered, what will i become? Will i better myself? And if i do, in what way? But the future is along time.


I'm a little down, to be perfectly honest at the moment, and i'm not quite sure why. I don't know whether it's just because I'm a baby and i cant deal with the everyday things or whether its because I'm just tiered, not something a good nights sleep will cure either. But I don't want to talk about it to anyone, I don't want people to think that i'm trying to get attention, so, i'm just going to try to act as normal as possible, I don't want or need people to do whatever. So, i will just keep fighting, staying unnoticed is pretty much priority. And i know how that sounds, not good, its just i know that lots of people are going through worse and dealing so much better. Which is actually really annoying.

I feel like i have so much to do, and no time to do it in. I guess that next week will help though, breaks normally do, i guess. Plus, i have a private study day tomorrow, so hopefully i will get the majority of my work done. So i don't have too much for the holiday. I think that even though i have been working my ass off for the last couple of day's, i have been thinking too much, i cant sleep because my mind is still whirring like a machine. Once i'm asleep, yeah i'm fine but, it takes me about two hours to get to sleep, which means i'm only getting like 6 hours of sleep, not enough, not for me anyway. I wish I could deal with things better, i want to be able to just be all fine. I don't want to seem like i want or need attention, and yeah i know i already said that. It's just true. 


 Some quotes from me to you : 


- Sometimes the best things in the world are the ones that you cant have, and you only appreciate what you have when its gone. its the vicious circle of life that cant be escaped. You live and live and do the same things, but do you ever realize that some things that you are doing, you wont ever do again? and maybe, just maybe you should love whats there and stop waiting for the next thing around the corner

- Life is like a merry-go-round you spin and you spin, things happen but you keep spinning. then you will see a blur, a person? That person will take you off the roundabout show you something new, and then they will plonk you back and you have to spin around till the next person comes along. And eventually you'll find that person that doesn't want to put you back and thats the person that matters.

Life doesn't just begin and then end, you have those bits in the middle that make your life what it is, and i cant complain. Can i? 

Maybe i will feel fine after the holiday, like people have said it has been a very long half term and things should begin to get better now that my dramas over which i still need to post on, oops a little bit late now, i don't know, i just need to focus. 

But hey wont bore you anymore with my moaning. 

Hope everything is cool with you guys.

Peace out, Georgie xx

Time

"Don't fight the river."

Tonight I had a pretty random conversation with my step dad and as when we do have in depth conversations, he was pissed. But we were talking, well he was, i was talking but he wasn't listening. Anyway, we got to talking about me wanting to travel the world, and i was thinking, that by the time i leave college people are going to be going to university and it will be a lot harder to get a job without a degree. Therefore i must assume that I am going to need a degree to get into the writing trade, especially with the amount of competition in the trade anyway. Damn it, why did i have to get myself involved with the competitive trade.
This thought led on to me thinking about traveling. How the hell am i supposed to be able to afford to go to Uni and travel. I need to be able to get a good job.

Which leads me back to my first point, i need to do good. With gcse's, a levels, and if i go to uni getting a good degree.

Life is about choices, and making those choices is hard. And there are many of them. Do i start saving to travel now, or do i work harder closer to the time? Do i work my ass off for the next couple of years, or do i take out a loan? When do i travel? After Uni? Before? During? I'm so confused i cant think.
So, i have decided, just to not think. I have got enough on my mind at the moment than to worry about what i am going to be doing in 4 to 5 years time.
Let me just get through this this year first, then maybe i will start thinking about other things. I'm going to get a job, or try when i reach 16 anyway, should be a lot easier.

Anyway, i'm thinking about where i actually want to go, because I'm not going to be able to cross every square mile of this planet as much as i would like to, i don't see it happening somehow.

I want to;
- ride over the great wall of China on a motor bike.
- shop in New York
- watch gashias dance in japan
- see the beauty of Ireland
- eat coconut in the Caribbean,
- party all night in Ibiza
- walk over New Zealand's mountains and volcanoes,
- stand and watch as Kangaroos jump around in Australia
...
I know that is not much as yet, but i plan to add to this list. I'm going to stop now, because i'm going to watch the end of this lovely and action packed film and chill. Because tomorrow, i need to write up my drama coursework. All in good fun.

Peace out, Georgie xx

Moving too fast

So I'm sorry to those that are waiting for my story but it still isn't done yet. Things are just moving so fast, but slowly at the same time. I seem to never have enough time. And I'm changing and i hate who I'm becoming, i don't even know who it is, i haven't laughed for ages, and i hate that. I love laughing, but nothings funny anymore. Not like it used to be. And that makes me sad. 

School


Last week dragged, i had no time and it was only my first week back at school, it doesn't put a high on things if your first week is like that, my planner is full of coursework due dates, homework, rehearsals, and yeah, i knew that i was going to have to work my ass off but i didn't expect to be so quickly. I also found out that i am now doing my math gcse in January now instead of July, but its everything in one exam, so we have three months to go over everything, I'm sure i will be ok, i just need to get my head down. If not i can always retake it in July, but that will just be the algebra and not everything else too. 
Then we have the drama, i have got a big play at in two weeks! only! Ahh! I'm really excited, but nervous too, one of the reasons being we have a lot of big personalities in our class and some of them don't know how to shut the hell up. Which means none of us can concentrate, our teacher, the actors or the people just trying to watch. Yes, i talk, yes i get restless, but come on! Have some respect, honestly. 
I don't know maybe I'm just over complicating things, but i just feel like im not going to last the year. I don't know how people juggle so many things, school, school work, work, friends, boyfriends, sports. And yes there are some people who do, i know a few. Maybe i just need to get back into routine, i don't know. Hopefully things will cool down a bit and i will be able to breathe again, Because right now I'm struggling to catch my breath.

One more step and im falling off the mountain
One more pill who cares nobodys counting
They told me to sing it to the birds
Sing it to the birds
Noones listening

People

Bad

So I'm a little bit pissed off, and i don't think I'm grudging but, i am still pissed off about it, and now i feel bloody uncomfortable. Basically, the other day i got ditched, i walk to and from school with three girls from school, one of them is one of my best friend and i love her to pieces, the other two are her best friends, two of the many, which i have no problem with by the way, to be honest i wish i had so many, but my three are good enough for me. But anyway on Friday's Shannon has netball and normally i walk with one of the girls because the other does her course at a different school. But because our time tables have changed she now walks on a Friday, but guess what "they forgot me" its a good thing i talk to other people because i would have been a billy all the way home. And to be honest, it hurt me, and it hurt more when one of them lied to my friend. I thought they were fine with me, but now i realize i was wrong, i know its stupid and i will probably forget about it soon, and maybe its playing on my mind because i'm not feeling myself but, i don't know, i'm going to shut up now because, yeah, its stupid. 

Lauren

So, you have finally gone, and i didn't get your room, its still yours, and i stole your cardigan, what? your not going to miss it, you left lots here, all your pictures and your clock, by the way what did you do to it?! its mangled! Yeah, i know your not reading this which is why im going to say i miss you, very much, and i'm sorry we  didn't stay for longer to settle you in. I'm sorry i used to shout at you, i'm sorry that we weren't as close as i wanted, but know that i would have told you anything, and i still would, i hope you know that i never have or will tell your secrets. I went in to your room the other day and lay on your bed, i wanted to cry. I love you so much! And i never told you that. Wow! i make it sound like you died! I know that your only an hour away, so i will be down soon, and you can show me around properly. And im going to change the subject so i don't cry. Moving on. 

Time is flying, and i dint  know where it is going, i feel like its slipping through my fingers, but that is all sad thinking, my time as a little has ended and that is pretty gutting. But now is the time for the good memories, laughing, prom, this year needs to be treasured and made the most of, and my cat is trying to sit on my keyboard so i best give him some loving. 

Sorry for my moan but i feel better for it now. That i have actually had the time to do it makes me feel a lot better. Will be sorting myself out soon and i will be bringing back sunday style too, i just need to prioritize and my priority is my grade, unfortunately for those of you who enjoy listening to m moans!

 Peace out Georgie xx

Inspiration. Motivation. Desperation. Destination.

Yes. Ok, i know its as cheesy as cheddar, but it came to me in the middle of the night that those four aspects are what a lot of us run our lives by. Aren't they? We think of something "Inspiration", We find the "motivation" to carry out our dreams, we may fail a few times but if we want it bad enough our "Desperation" will fade, then after all of the hard work and as long as you keep trying you will reach your "Destination". And that is the sweetest victory, to reach a goal out of sheer determination and, faith. Wouldn't that be the greatest feeling? I couldn't think of any other. To get somewhere or do something and think "yeah, i did that" and surely your heart could explode.

We start at the place where most things do, at the start. Inspiration. A big thing. I often find myself struggling to find it, even for the smallest things, what shall i write my next blog about? What shall i wear tomorrow? What do i want to see before  die? Everything we do is inspired by something else. What do you want to be when you get old? Where do you want to be in ten years? A question i have heard many times? But that isn't what i think that inspiration is about. Isn't it more important to think about tomorrow and the next day before we think about ten years in the future? Isn't the NOW more important? Isn't that why its the present? Because that now really is a gift. Different people get inspiration from different places. They see a beautiful sight. A certain sound. Smell. Voice? They may find it from a piece of text. They find it in the world they live in. Or maybe from the stars. Personally, i don't know. I wish i could but its just something i haven't found yet. Mind you, i haven't lived long enough to know quite yet. I've been in school for ten of my fifteen years. That hasn't given me much time to explore. Or have i been wasting the time i have been given? I don't know, i wonder now, will i ever?  Inspiration is all around us. You just have to see and listen, sometimes only looking and hearing just isn't good enough.

Now, here is, where i believe, we reach the hardest part of out journey. Finding the motivation to get up get out there and discover. Isn't it easier to just not bother? To just say, oh never mind, maybe tomorrow? You would think so, wouldn't you? But then, you denying yourself, and that isn't fair, now is it? Especially if it involves someone else, how selfish to deny yourself and someone else. Im not having a go, don't get me wrong, i do it all the time, and i am ashamed. I just don't know where to find the motivation. I mean, what is it? Where does it come from? And how do i get hold of some? Maybe its just a me thing. Hmm, well if it is, i hope that i grow out of it, i think that its partly will power too, which i have none of. I think that's bad, maybe i should put some of my stubbornness into those and maybe it will help, everyone knows i have enough to share. I need a job. So why haven't i got out there and given my details out yet? They aren't going to come and find me! To go out there and meet new people, i love my friends, more than any of them could ever imagine, but it couldn't hurt to find that special someone? Could it? Looking harder may help me to see better. Its time for me to decide what I'm going to do myself. I need to find time to find myself. Find my place of motivation. 

Desperation. If the journey is started, sometimes it doesn't turn out quite to plan. In fact, rarely do things in life turn out exactly turn out how we want them too, but that doesn't mean that we have to just give up and move on to the challenge. Will you ever finish that one? I don't understand how someone can begin a journey, have the end in their sight just to give up because something doesn't quite work out how they wanted it too. Sometimes all you need to do is add on one simple factor. You wouldn't eat half a slice of cake and then chuck the rest away because you got bored of it! Why do the same to something that has cause more effort and hard work. Why just waste that time. Sometimes a slight twist can make things seem better and then all that work would be worth it again. If you fail you need to get back up again. Peeling your self up off of that road could be your turning point. Picking yourself up and brushing away the road dust could be that last stage. Where you see the glimpse of that shiny city over the hill. You shouldn't wait for the traffic behind you to take over, so see if your ok. Relying on yourself is the way it needs to be, its your dream, no one will carry you there. You need to do it. Else you wouldn't feel half the satisfaction you would if you did all the work your self. 

Destination. You reach your place. They thing that you shed tears over. And that feeling. Wow. Your journey is done. The pain finished. All parts completed. Breathe in the air you deserve. Feel that blow over. Move on. But never forget. You completed a challenge. Take it with you wherever you go. Take the memory with you and use it. You accomplished something you worked for. And for not giving up. You deserve the world. 

It may be a mad one, but its yours. 

Cherish it. Love it. Use it.

4 Bottom Pictures from Elle Art I