Stairs

I'm climbing stairs, they are uneven and tricky. Some times, I'll trip and stumble, sometimes the next step will easy. Like life. Sometimes, you will find that climbing the stairs is as easy as climbing the stairs in you house, and other times your climbing the impossible stair that is rough, uneven, steep and slippery, you could slip off at any moment and have to start again, or someone could appear and pull you up that last little bit, sometimes they will appear again and again, and you will learn to love them. Other times, they look like there about to help you, but they're the ones that end up pushing you down.

Sometimes, you can get pushed down so many times that you just want to sit down and wait for someone to pick you up and just carry up, because you have simply given up, you don't want to have to pick yourself up anymore, you've lost hope. You think you know the out come of the next step, and it hurts. Or, so you think. The point is that you cant just give up on your life, you have to keep going, or you might be stuck on a hard step for longer than you were supposed to be in the first place. You have to keep going for things to get better. Because sometimes there will be a little bit of flat to get to the next flight. No, it wont be easy to get to the top of them, but once you do, gee'z will the view be worth it. Maybe, you will want to get higher, so another flight of stairs will come, but don't worry with a little help you make it.

Your never quite sure who you should trust, as at any moment they could put out a hand and push you down. And sometimes, you'll be the one helping someone else up their next step, so most likely, they'll be back to help you. People come and go, some stay for longer, and some vanish without a word. You cant wish them back. No matter what you wish on, how you wish for it, nor can the strength of your wish, not if they don't want too...

I know that stairs are a strange way to put it, but i guess, i'm the daughter of a stair maker, the metaphor seems solid.

It's a draining process, but it's a process, and it makes you grateful for the areas of flat, and it you think about it that way, think at least your not going downhill.

Anyway a short and complicated blog for you :)

Peace out, Georgie xx

Theres a difference

There is one most common difference between people and that is themselves everyone is different, no matter how similar, in looks, personality. Whatever. I know it doesn't make sense. But then neither does everyday of our lives. Or so it seems.
Theres a difference between unhappiness and sadness. Isn't there? Not one you can explain, but there is something that makes you say one rather than the other. Surely then that means there is a difference. No, its not obvious, and its probably not as complicated as i'm trying to make it, but why have two words that mean the same thing? Is there a point?

Is there a difference between love and hate? No, you have to love someone to wake up and hate them, else you would be indifferent, why would you care if you didn't? So, you have to love to hate. Right? Then, if thats true, how do you make that feeling go away, be it love, or hate, can you just pile it all away, like unwanted clothes, or toys and put it in storage. Let the dust of age settle, but then one day, surely the dust would be disturbed, and so would the emotion, then you have to go through the whole process again.
So what do you do? How do you set it free? It wont fly away, its like a leech and wants to suck that love away, and keep all the hate inside you.

Alone. What is it to be alone? Is it just a feeling of not having everything in its place inside you, or is it actually being by yourself? Or is it both? I had a day at school today where we were supposed to be doing work that we hadn't finished yet. I wasn't with anyone that i knew, and it bothered me that, it effected me, how much work i did. Then i came, home, i had a headache and i was in a bad mood, and the night just got crappy, and i lay on my bed, not wanting to eat because it was lamb, and i don't eat lamb, and because i wanted to cry, and i still do, but it wont come out, and i keep praying that the lump in my throat can be swallowed, but its not having it. Then my mum came up and i could have cried to her, but i know that she hates it when i cry. And i felt so terrible because i told her that i felt alone, and that sometimes i didn't feel like part of the family. And now i realizing that i am the only one left. My sister is gone, moved out and i haven't spoken to her for about a month properly, and i miss her very much. My little brother is 7 and I'm going to be 16 in February. I'm the only Radford in our house. I'm lonely. And i don't like it. I don't know who to talk to. And because Lauren, your not here, i need you the most. Oh dear... here comes the chin wobble. I hadn't really realized how much i missed you, i guess i hadn't thought about it until now. Who do you talk to when your feeling low? I don't want to talk to my friends because i know that they already have enough on their plate with out me adding to the mash, and i don't want to talk to my mum because i know she gets upset when i do, and i don't want that. Should i talk to a teacher? Thats not me though. Why would i talk to someone i barely know about my problems?

I'm not having any epiphany's no sparks of realizations of what to do. Damn it. No idea's. I need fresh air. I'm going to the beach next, week, and i know what your thinking, yeah, its bloody cold. But i love the sea, and i cant go up to the woods, so the beach it be.

Advice, i was talking to a friend the other day, telling her not to let people treat her like crap, because they do, and she goes on and lets them. Like she likes it or something, and then she said that she had been saying the same thing to someone else, and then i thought. How often do people give advice they wouldn't follow? I couldn't think of anything for example, but i would hate to take advice i know the person giving it doesn't, or wouldn't follow.

What would you do? Who would you talk too? Who do you trust?

Every one is different, that i know. Theres a difference. But which do you choose?

Peace out Georgie xx

Moving too fast

So I'm sorry to those that are waiting for my story but it still isn't done yet. Things are just moving so fast, but slowly at the same time. I seem to never have enough time. And I'm changing and i hate who I'm becoming, i don't even know who it is, i haven't laughed for ages, and i hate that. I love laughing, but nothings funny anymore. Not like it used to be. And that makes me sad. 

School


Last week dragged, i had no time and it was only my first week back at school, it doesn't put a high on things if your first week is like that, my planner is full of coursework due dates, homework, rehearsals, and yeah, i knew that i was going to have to work my ass off but i didn't expect to be so quickly. I also found out that i am now doing my math gcse in January now instead of July, but its everything in one exam, so we have three months to go over everything, I'm sure i will be ok, i just need to get my head down. If not i can always retake it in July, but that will just be the algebra and not everything else too. 
Then we have the drama, i have got a big play at in two weeks! only! Ahh! I'm really excited, but nervous too, one of the reasons being we have a lot of big personalities in our class and some of them don't know how to shut the hell up. Which means none of us can concentrate, our teacher, the actors or the people just trying to watch. Yes, i talk, yes i get restless, but come on! Have some respect, honestly. 
I don't know maybe I'm just over complicating things, but i just feel like im not going to last the year. I don't know how people juggle so many things, school, school work, work, friends, boyfriends, sports. And yes there are some people who do, i know a few. Maybe i just need to get back into routine, i don't know. Hopefully things will cool down a bit and i will be able to breathe again, Because right now I'm struggling to catch my breath.

One more step and im falling off the mountain
One more pill who cares nobodys counting
They told me to sing it to the birds
Sing it to the birds
Noones listening

People

Bad

So I'm a little bit pissed off, and i don't think I'm grudging but, i am still pissed off about it, and now i feel bloody uncomfortable. Basically, the other day i got ditched, i walk to and from school with three girls from school, one of them is one of my best friend and i love her to pieces, the other two are her best friends, two of the many, which i have no problem with by the way, to be honest i wish i had so many, but my three are good enough for me. But anyway on Friday's Shannon has netball and normally i walk with one of the girls because the other does her course at a different school. But because our time tables have changed she now walks on a Friday, but guess what "they forgot me" its a good thing i talk to other people because i would have been a billy all the way home. And to be honest, it hurt me, and it hurt more when one of them lied to my friend. I thought they were fine with me, but now i realize i was wrong, i know its stupid and i will probably forget about it soon, and maybe its playing on my mind because i'm not feeling myself but, i don't know, i'm going to shut up now because, yeah, its stupid. 

Lauren

So, you have finally gone, and i didn't get your room, its still yours, and i stole your cardigan, what? your not going to miss it, you left lots here, all your pictures and your clock, by the way what did you do to it?! its mangled! Yeah, i know your not reading this which is why im going to say i miss you, very much, and i'm sorry we  didn't stay for longer to settle you in. I'm sorry i used to shout at you, i'm sorry that we weren't as close as i wanted, but know that i would have told you anything, and i still would, i hope you know that i never have or will tell your secrets. I went in to your room the other day and lay on your bed, i wanted to cry. I love you so much! And i never told you that. Wow! i make it sound like you died! I know that your only an hour away, so i will be down soon, and you can show me around properly. And im going to change the subject so i don't cry. Moving on. 

Time is flying, and i dint  know where it is going, i feel like its slipping through my fingers, but that is all sad thinking, my time as a little has ended and that is pretty gutting. But now is the time for the good memories, laughing, prom, this year needs to be treasured and made the most of, and my cat is trying to sit on my keyboard so i best give him some loving. 

Sorry for my moan but i feel better for it now. That i have actually had the time to do it makes me feel a lot better. Will be sorting myself out soon and i will be bringing back sunday style too, i just need to prioritize and my priority is my grade, unfortunately for those of you who enjoy listening to m moans!

 Peace out Georgie xx