Life at the moment.

Well, looks like i haven't posted in a while as i haven't really had any inspirational ideas to write about. And usually i'd write about love or pain but today i think going to spice it up a little, by just having a nice big chat! I mean yes things have happened, and i have had a lot of things to write about, but i just couldn't find anything interesting to talk about, and then i realized that i didn't really think i needed to. So, here it goes.


So a couple of weeks ago I was grabbed around the throat by some high maniac! But hey it happens to the best of us. However, this made me think and decide that im going to take up self defence. I mean why not i could do it. Right? I cant be that hard to get into, its a hobby and everyone has one. But then there is so many different forms of martial arts, i mean theres: 

• Kung-fu / karate - where sharp blows are targeted to weak points in the body 
• jujitsu  - uses throws holds and blows for protection
• judo - similar to wrestling 
• ect

Personally i think i will take up jujitsu, because i am told that it would suit me best. Plus i don't like the idea of wrestling some one near a park bench, and I'm not graceful enough for kung-fu, so jujitsu it is :) and it looks kind of fun :P, i did find this one place quite close but its for 16 years and over, so i would have to wait until February, or i find somewhere else, but i just don't know where to look. 

So, now its the summer holidays and one week in, I'm feeling quite good. I have done something pretty much everyday. Sunday, i went out with my friends, one who is going on holiday for THREE WEEKS!! I'm going to miss her so much, so last Thursday we went to see Shrek four! Which was really good a lot better than number three, which wasn't really very good to be honest. So we all had a really good night and then on Sunday we went down to the park and took some pictures and brought ice cream and had a really good day :) i miss her already, even though its only been a few days i know that I'm still not going to see her for agesss. :( 
Monday, i didn't go out until three but i still had a good time :P, i met my friend, who i haven't really been close to for ages! but i really love her, she is so nice and caring and lovely! So we took a walk down to the park and had an awesome nice talk, and to be honest a nice bitch :) . Now don't judge me, everyone needs one once in a while. But we were talking about to certain people that have hurt more than one person in there quest for "love" :) And she is going through a really hard time at the moment and I'm really feeling for her because she really doesn't deserve it. So i'm just trying to be there for her. And i'm really enjoying it. Theres a really nice feeling that just pangs when someone tells you that they are grateful to you. It just makes me smile. So I hope that things get better for her soon and i hope that we still stay close when she doesn't need me anymore.
Tuesday, i didn't go out until 6 :O but it didn't matter, i went out with a load of friends, one has got me worried. People keep asking me if i like him. But i don't, i swear i don't. But when people ask me if i like someone, i gets me thinking.. Do i like him? But either way, if i did nothing could happen. Hes my best friends ex. Oh dear. The thing is, i don't often like like people in that way. So when people ask me i think too much, mind you it did happen recently with someone else, who i have known literally forever. Someone asked me if i liked him and i was like "lol no!" and my mind was like, "ummmm do i ?" So yeah a bit of a big dilemma, but no i don't think i do, i think that its just that i'm just getting to know him and just realising how nice he is :). So yeah i went out with a loads of peoples and we watched a film. It was a really good night.
Wednesday, we went to the beach :D and i got a ta-aaa-n :D i love being tan, it makes me feel just really quite more confident. For some retarded reason :), so there was loads of us!  I went with one of my really close friends, but i swear i didn't talk to her like all day! I'm kind of worried, that i'm loosing them, i'm sure that i'm just being paranoid, but its really weird, i will talk to them, and we will have to arrange to meet up, which should be good, mind you i am going on holiday camping to Cornwall, which i'm looking forward to but dreading at the same time. I mean, i'm going with a friend and we have been friends for a long time, but, something has happened and i cant quite put my finger on it but i'm worried that we are going to fall out, or something i am going to say will upset her, i feel like i don't know her anymore, and maybe this holiday will be a good thing, a chance for us to get to know each other again, maybe. Hopefully it will help. I guess. I guess i could just escape into a book or something, but which one to take :/ hmmmmm..... 

Today, well wasn't today a fun day, tiding my mothers house for her. For Free. I'm such a nice daughter. I might ask for money :P. 


Ok Well im sure you have now given up reading this because it is very long and boring so yeah! I'm just trying to remember everything i have done in the summer, because its like my last summer holiday in high school and i don't want to waste it. 


This blog is now going to come to a very abrupt end and im going to say. Good bye :) xx

a relationship.

A relationship. 
Definition : A connection or a relation to someone. A bond. 


There are many relationships around us everyday. They don't have to be sexual or romantic. But they can be, that is why when we hear the word our brains think "boy/girlfriend." But that isn't what a relationship is about, you have a relationship with the people you live with, whether it is a bond of blood or marriage, you are in a relation-ship with them. You are related. You love them, of course you do even though it doesn't feel like it all the time, but you don't always tell them, most of them already know, just by the way you act towards them. Some peoples parents break up. Mine did. It happens. All that means is that they fall out of love. Not that there relation to each other is over. Its you. They are still related to each other, because of you. And that is a good thing. 
Then there are your friends the ones that you can live without. Well i couldn't live without mine, and if you have read my previous blogs then you'll know that i love them with all my heart and no boy, whoever that may turn out to be, could ever replace them. They can be a pain in the ass at times but i still love them, whether that is a bad thing or not i don't know. I have a friend, i know that she is having a bit of a bad time at the moment, not that she would tell me, but i can tell. Im not sure what to do, I'm not that social, even with my friends, and sometimes i just don't know what to say. I want her to talk to her but i know that she doesn't want to talk about it, but at the same time i know that if she wanted to talk me about it then, surely, she would have spoken to me already. I don't know, all i can do is be right here when she needs me. 
Have you ever had a friend that you have loved to pieces for too long to remember but then they change and you don't want to let them go but, this new trait is just too hard to look past? What do you do when your friend changes from the girl you loved into the girl you hate? And god, i don't want to let her go but she's already fading away, slipping through my fingers, is it just now, is she just going through a rough patch? i just don't know. What do i do? Do i just let it go, or do i try to say something?
Then you have the romantic connections. The hardest kind of relationship that a humans put ourselves through. Or, so i've heard. Everyone says that love is the greatest feeling, but i cant help but wonder, when all the pain comes afterwards, is that amazing feeling really worth it? I'm sure that it is but really, think about it, what is the thing that most girls cry over, isn't it boys? Or is that just me? I have never been in love and i am convinced i never will. But, i'm only 15 and i'm hoping that i have many years of life and love ahead. But, is there such a thing. Are we just mistaking other feelings for love? Lust? Friendship? Great fulness? And how do you know when you have fallen? Is love just a powerful feeling of something else or is it what it is? Love. Do some people have it right when they never say the words "i love you" ? is that such a bad thing? Love just confuses everything. Doesnt it?   Or is love really that feeling that doesn't allow you to let go of certain people in your life? The feeling that stops you from sleeping at night. The feeling that if you ever loose them then you will never be close to another person ever again. I guess i will never know until i fall in love. 

Cakes

This is a blog for my Shannon :D i hope it cheers her up :D she deserves all of the below.... in her face :D i love you Shannon Cutting! xx

Cakes. 

Cake is a part of everyday life, it is an everyday word and, if not used carefully can cause extreme pain, for someone who has a big craving for cake. 

Cake has become a part of tradition, we have birthday cakes and wedding cake and christening cake and what the hell cake. At the end of the day come home to cake. But dont eat to much or you'll end up like him --> 

That is Shannon on a good day, she likes to dress up as a pirate :P. 

Im afraid she may very well have to kill to get this chocolate cake. Hey a girl needs her chocolate cake!

Damn it! If only these were real :( 

If you dont know shannon you wont know that she is in love with cookies and therefore the cookie monster and she had an immense  (below)

Hmm i wonder if she knows about this "/ oh dear, what have i done ?

  

And here are the cupcakes that i made to day, which she is blackmailing me into give her ;) 

If you can find your favourite let me know :) 

For you shannon i love you. 

hearts a sign of love

I think its time for a non depressing blog.
Me and my friend were talking today, we were just having a really good chat, having a rant, laughing doing what we normally do, we even made brownies but they failed a bit "/ :D. It was just going so well. We talked about everything friends, boys, food, life, jobs, tattoos even. I've wanted a tattoo forever! and i have a few ideas in my head. My mum has a butterfly with its wings closed on her foot and i quite like it. It's small and cute. So i think that i want one with open wings on the same place. but slightly different. I want it with open wings. For me the closed wings symbolise the protection of my mummys arms. Its the safety that she does and always will offer and it means so much. So i decided that if i had one with open wings in would for ever symbolise my mum but at the same time it would represent the beginning of my own life. I will be setting out and becoming free. 
I also wanted a dragon with butterfly wings, for me this represents the ferocity that i can contain but also the beauty that can be found everywhere around us and the beauty that i find in my friends. 
As we look through pictures, we began to think. Dont you think that is amazing that we can make the shape of a heart with our hands. Is that why the sign of love is that classic heart shape? And if it is, why was that chosen to show the sign of love, it isnt like it can only be made with two people, one will do it. So what is it that makes that picture the symbol of love? 
This realisation also got me wondering why is it that humans are so obsessed with finding love ? And if they loose that love, why do some let it go? 
Wolves mate for life. Once they find their love they stay with them for their lifetime. Do they become bored or unhappy like humans do? Or is it just the advances that we have made that makes us divorce? If we didnt have that choice would we stay with our partners?  And as i walked home i thought. Do humans mate for life? After all not all animals do. Some just stay for a season. Others stay until the "child" is born. Some stay forever. So what were humans made to do?
Anyway i promised that this wouldn't be depressing so, i'll finish on this note. If humans have a soul mate. The question is, do we choose who that soul mate is, or has fate already found it for us. And what if, we never find the one were supposed to be with? 
If fate has already chosen, what is to say that our soul mates have to be a partner, what is to say that are soul mates aren't actually our friends?

random pictures off the internet :)

This was me ten years ago! LOL JOKE i've never been kissed! 

This is me in ten years, minus the feather ;)!

shoes that i will own and wear and love. You will all be jealous!

Irregular choice, i love you! 

my future home library:) 

the waterfall everyone wants their loves kiss under

a pretty awesome bed!!

what you'll do just because you want to

LOL i love it how everything i write about involves love. Oh well it what a girl wants :P xxx

Talk

ok, where do i start? Everyone is talking all at once, but no one is listening. 


My heart is screaming out to you and you just refuse to hear, i love you but you cant tell, i want you to talk to me and tell me everything that you know and feel, but you wont, you dont want to know me any more and only because of one thing, you said that we would be friends forever but at this rate, we wont speak through college and for the rest of our lives. To you it was just talk, but i wanted to make it last. I held on as tight as i could, but you were pushing me away and i flew in the storm. Now your in the eye and everything is calm but on the outside im trying to fight my way back in but i cant get through the walls and im beginning to think that you dont want me to find you anymore. I love you so much and i dont think that you realise how hard it is for me to reach you, but my heart is aching and it just wont stop. Your squeezing the life out of me, without even noticing. I want to talk to you, but i get to you, and i know that it will cause problems that aren't worth it because in the end i'll loose more of you that i cant afford. 


I want you to scream into the sky with me, i want you to let it all out and share the load so that you arent so pressured, i want you to be as free as a bird and fly higher than any other with the wind under your wings. but i know that you wont, your too faithful. I want you to cry on my shoulder and be able to give you advice that i know would work and would solve all of your problems one by one, but life just doesnt work that way. Plus it isnt all down to you, and they cant just be solved like that. i want for you to tell me everything so that i know you inside and out, but you wouldnt want that, so i wont ask. I know that we will be friends until we are old granny, just because of our stubbornness because neither of us will back down. I wish that you could let loose and not be afraid that something you will say will upset someone. I wish you all the happiness that the world can give you and i hope that i can be by your side and see it with my own eyes.


How could you? You dont even know me but your taking away something so dear, today you said sorry, but i know that you arent, you never could be and never will be. your not sorry and even if you were you wouldnt do anything to make me feel better. I thought you were nice, but to you its just words. i know what you want, and now that you have it you wont let it go. You've changed things for me, and you dont even realise, you think that that is how things are, well its not. And unluckily for you, you will never find out. Too bad. You have changed your own relationship, for the worst, and now you will never know what she is really like. Dont get me wrong i dont want to feel this way, and trust me i am happy for you, but please. Is all i can ask. 


Everyone talks but, no ones knows the difference between hearing and listening. You just have to listen, open your ears because there are alot of things that you dont understand. i love you but you dont care, because to you "I love you" is just words and "sorry" means nothing. I dont just talk. To me its not just words. Dont leave me out in the cold. 

confusion and happiness

Confusion. One of my main emotions. It comes on fast and goes away in second. The more that this happens the more confused that i get. Oh its so confusing! Everything is slipping away all my time. And time is running away with the clock!

But, i have had a nice long whine and even though i could go on whining for so much longer im going to embrace my happiness. So. Here is the list of who and what makes me happy!

Shannon: shes funny, shes smart, and i love her! she isnt having too much of a good time at the moment and is not a happy bunny, when she deserves every happiness in the world, i made a with for her recently and i really hope that it comes true, and i will do everything that i can to make it come true and i hope that i know her until we are pushing around zimmer frames complaining about the young kids today, haha, but i wish her every happiness and i love her very much!



Georgia: shes weird, shes crazy but i still love her! She has recently gotten a new boyfriend, at first i was worried that i would begin to see less than her, but now i know that she will always be here for me and she knows that i will always be their for her. I hope that she stays happy forever and that i have a part in that, i will love her for always and forever, no matter where we are. I love you!

Layla: shes strange, shes a laugh and i love her! its been eleven years and we have had some amazing times and that i will never forget. We are like a married couple, we argue but we still love each other, shes my crazy husband Barry and she always will be like i will always be Doris. I would say that i hope we will be friends forever but i already know that  we will always be friends no mattter what ! Thank you and i love you!

Chloe: i know that she doesnt know it, but i love her very much, she is soo great and she doesnt even know it, or that im always here when she needs me. Sometimes things dont always go her way but in time they will and those times will be the ones that she loves the most. I hope that she knows i lover her so much and i wish her everything sweeet that life can give to her. I love you!



Thank you to all of you i will never forget what you have done for me, and what you have done to my life, i wouldnt be who i am with out you !

I love you so much, you have my heart, please dont break it! xxxxx